My Weight Loss Tracker

22 December 2010

The 12 days of Trekmas

On the first day of Trekmas my true love sent to me...
The captain of the starship enterprise.

On the second day of Trekmas my true love sent to me...
Two plasma conduits
And the captain of the starship enterprise.

On the third day of Trekmas my true love sent to me...
Three lieutenant officers
Two plasma conduits
And the captain of the starship enterprise

On the fourth day of Trekmas my true love sent to me...
Four klingon bat'leths
Three lieutenant officers
Two plasma conduits
And the captain of the starship enterprise.

On the fifth day of Trekmas my true love sent to me...
Five borg cubes
Four klingon bat'leths
Three lieutenant officers
Two plasma conduits
And the captain of the starship enterprise

On the sixth day of Trekmas my true love sent to me...
Six alien species
Five borg cubes
Four klingon bat'leths
Three lieutenant officers
Two plasma conduits
And the captain if the starship enterprise

On the seventh day of Trekmas my true love sent to me...
Seven of Nine
Six Alien species
Five Borg cubes
Four klingon bat'leths
Three lieutenant officers
Two plasma conduits
And the captain of the starship enterprise

On the eighth day of Trekmas my true love sent to me...
Eight medical tricorders
Seven of Nine
Six alien species
Five borg cubes
Four klingon bat'leths
Three lieutenant officers
Two plasma conduits
And the captain of the starship enterprise.

On the ninth day of Trekmas my true love sent to me...
Nine away missions
Eight medical tricorders
Seven of Nine
Six alien species
Five borg cubes
Four klingon bat'leths
Three lieutenant officers
Two plasma conduits
And the captain of the starship enterprise

On the tenth day of Trekmas my true love sent to me...
Ten academy graduates
Nine away missions
Eight medical tricorders
Seven of Nine
Six alien species
Five borg cubes
Four klingon bat'leths
Three lieutenant officers
Two plasma conduits
And the captain of the starship enterprise

On the eleventh day of Trekmas my true love sent to me
Eleven phasers firing
Ten academy graduates
Nine away missions
Eight medical tricorders
Seven of Nine
Six alien species
Five borg cubes
Four klingon bat'leths
Three lieutenant officers
Two plasma conduits
And the captain of the starship enterprise.

On the twelfth day of Trekmas my true love sent to me...
Twelve holodeck getaways
Eleven phasers firing
Ten academy graduates
Nine away missions
Eight medical tricorders
Seven of Nine
Six alien species
Five borg cubes
Four klingon bat'leths
Three lieutenant officers
Two plasma conduits
And the captain of the starship enterprise.

Yup, I'm a geek :-)
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19 December 2010

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

All credit for these wonderful 4 books goes to Ann

I first started reading this series before the first book became a movie and when I saw the first movie it was perfect. It was amazing in every way that made me love the books and I was shocked that they had managed to make that adaptation work. So often I'm disappointed with movies based on books.

The second movie was the worst disappointment. Somehow it was made worse by the greatness of the first. I'm not entirely sure why they did it, but they took the last 3 books and turned them into the second movie. They changed parts. They altered the timeline. They left out important bits. And why didn't they make 4 movies? 4 books, 4 movies. The math seems simple enough. Did they not have the money? Would the actresses not do 4 movies? What caused this? I don't know.

I will say I loved all the books. 4 girls, 4 summers, an amazing friendship and an amazing pair of pants that helped them grow and change into the people they became.

They are wonderful books, and if they aren't on your list of must reads, they should be. Maybe i should look up why they did that with the second movie.... *goes and does that*

Ok, apparently the second movie is based on the last book, so that doesn't explain why they didn't make the other 2 movies or why they would incorporate story from 2 & 3 into it. And leave out major things like who Bee is dating in the 4th book and why and when Bee really went to see her grandmother.

I don't know. I still recommend the books. Read them. Love the sisterhood. See yourself and your friends in them. It's what I did.
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Today is 5/7

Today was supposed to be beef and tomato day but I forgot to cook my beef :-)

Today I had salad with 2 slices of ham, and orange juice for lunch. I got home and had a little cheese and a few pieces of cereal that alex shared with me. And right now my meat is cooking and hopefully will be done soon. I'm hungry, lol.

Ok, beef was done hours ago, had some of that + 3 tomatoes.
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18 December 2010

Today is 4/7

Today was the milk and banana day of the cabbage soup diet. You are allowed to have skim milk and bananas and it's supposed to keep you from wanting sweets, according to one site.

So far today I've had a spinach salad with dried strawberry, strawberry vinaigrette, sliced almond, and 2 slices of roast beef on it. A quart of 2% milk (i don't like skim) a honeycrisp apple, and I did "cheat" a bit. It's not really cheating imo because a. I admit it here on my blog and b. it's my diet so i can follow whatever plan I want to really. But my cheats were a 20 oz cherry coke that my super awesome coworker bought me, and 3/4 of a mcd's double cheeseburger that chris bought me on the way home from work that I shared with alex (hence the 3/4) so that wasn't that bad, and I've only drank like half the cherry coke so far.

Surprisingly i didn't have any bananas on my milk and banana day. Alex decided today instead of half a banana he wanted more so he got a whole one today.

I went super duper nutso cleaning at work, thoroughly swept the entire concrete pad. That was way more activity than I normally do at work because I did a very thorough job of it and ran back and forth helping customers and such. You can't really tell I did much though. It was all tiny dust and dirt that was all over the surface left over from the snow. We've been sweeping it up for a while now.

Oh, and yesterday I also ate a slice of some raisin nut bread that Judy, my son's dad's mom, makes during the holidays. I munched that last night while I was reading my book.

And OMG last night I watched wednesday's episode of survivor on the app on my phone and oh sad day! Jane got kicked off. I adored jane! I was so super happy when may finally got the boot cause he was trying to get rid of her. She was one of my favorites, I wish they hadn't kicked her off. Plus she looked like she was totally going to cry when she came up to sash, holly, and chase and they said they were thinking about getting rid of her. I think my new favorite is dan, cause somehow he's still there despite that he's one of the weakest. He's flown a bit under the radar.

Well that was a touch of digression... Anyway, I'll admit it, I said I wouldn't weigh myself til monday, I said I would have restraint. I have none. I didn't wait til monday. Maybe it's impatience, maybe it's habit because I was weighing myself fridays before, or maybe it's just me being me, but I did. before work it said 199.8 and after work it said 200.4 so that's actually pretty good. :-)

so... See you tomorrow!
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17 December 2010

Today is 3/7

Today I did badly because I was upset by stuff. No I'm not clarifying. About what I was upset about, I mean, I'm clarifying about the "did badly" part.

Today I was allowed soup, fruit, and veggies. Again I didn't follow the plan by having half a banana. I don't understand why you aren't supposed to have them anyway as they are highly nutritious. I didn't eat on my lunch break ay work because of issues. I had packed a lunch with soup, an orange, and some carrot sticks, but didn't eat it. I just recently ate a slice of turkey rolled with half a slice of havarti cheese, but even that I forced myself to eat.

Getting upset really kills my appetite no matter how hungry I was prior to that point. It's irritating because people sometimes think that overweight people are "emotional eaters" and that's the key to "fixing" their issues.

It's funny, I don't know how I reached this point in my life. I've been virtually anorexic, eaten normally, gone on diets, tried riding my bike, jogging, walking, lots of things. The 6 week challenge worked best for weight loss but I was constantly hungry and it's similar now. It's strange how the more I seem to eat, the hungrier I get. With the 6 week challenge you eat 3 meals and snacks in between, and I was always hungry. And now I can eat as many fruits and veggies and as much soup as I want but I'm just hungry again a couple hours later. What's the point of eating a massive plate of food that's good for you, just to feel hungry not even 2 hours later?

But I've learned since I was younger, a few tricks to distract myself from feeling hungry. I get busy, distract myself from it. Or I go to sleep, I'm never hungry for at least an hour after I wake up so that helps. I know that your body feels hunger for a reason but a massive plate of food should tide you over for at least 4 hours, imo.

I didn't exercise today.
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16 December 2010

In update of today...

I had a baked potato w/ fat free sour cream & butter (and s&p), more carrot sticks, cucumber slices, and tea for "dinner" (if you can call eating something at this hour dinner lol)

I know I should be drinking WATER but can't stand the stuff.. Tea is... Almost water... :-)
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15 December 2010

Dear (???)

Dear (???)

I don't know who you are yet but here I am writing this all the same. Maybe I already know you or maybe we've never met. All I know is whoever you are, you're going to be the next person to have my heart.

I hope you'll take that job seriously and handle it with care because it's been damaged before. And if you're holding it I know you will because you had to work hard for that little gem. You had to earn my trust and win me over which is certainly no simple task. You wouldn't be careless with what you worked so hard for.

I'd like you to know I'm fiercely loyal but I'm also extremely independent and defiant. I don't take orders well but well placed subtle suggestions are usually highly effective. I'm opinionated and strong willed and I usually have to get in the last word in an argument or a debate.

I'm very self conscious about things like my weight and my hair so teasing me if I'm in a bad mood could just provoke a defensive response. It's not that I view you as an attacker, but simply a trained response.

There are things I already know about you even though I may not have met you yet. I know that you are patient and kind. I know that you have some similar moral beliefs as my own because otherwise we would never be a good match. My morals are simple: don't hurt people intentionally. It's that simple.

Until we meet on these terms,

*a friend who would rather remain anonymous suggested I write a letter to my future relationship. Said this might help me to be more optimistic about the potential. I doubt it, but I wrote it. It took me 4 days, but there it is...
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Today is 2/7

So today was day 2. On day 2 you are supposed to eat soup and veggies. Well I was feeling extremely dizzy so again I'm not following to the exact specifications.

So far today I've had 2 bowls of soup, some salad with honey mustard salad dressing, 1 slice of deli havarti cheese, and 2 slices of thin sliced deli turkey breast, some baby carrots and cucumber slices, and the same green tea blend i had yesterday.

My exercise today was walking to and from the grocery store, which is actually quite the workout when you walk back home with all the groceries.

I feel a lot better now that I had a little protein and that makes me not feel bad about throwing the turkey and cheese on my salad. Also today you are allowed to have a baked potato with butter. I will have one before I go to sleep. Those who know my sleeping habits know I never go to sleep before 2am so another meal will be happening at some point tonight.

Anyway, I'm very much resisting the urge to step on the scale. I actually haven't weighed myself since wednesday (i think?) last week when I was about 205 which I've already said. My new weigh in day in monday so I'm not going to step on the scale til then. I think. Maybe. I might take a peek at some point.... Lol as you can see i have so much self-discipline... :-)
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14 December 2010

Today is 1/7

Today I started day 1 of the cabbage soup diet. On day 1 you can have soup, fruits excluding banana, and water, unsweetened tea, and cranberry juice.

So fat I've cheated a little. But it's MY diet and it wasn't much. I've had about 30 oz of soup, half a banana (the other half of alex's breakfast banana), some apricots, a really thin slice of cheddar cheese (sorry, but i couldn't cut some up for alex and not have any myself) and some unsweetened orange passionfruit jasmin green tea.

I started to do my tae bo cardio dvd then decided after half through it that I was not keeping up so I turned it off and turned on some music and danced around with alex. Not as strenuous but still moving and also I think alex counts as working out with a 20lb weight :-p

Just because I'm doing something new here, I'm going to post every day at least during this x day thing. So look forward to many blog posts!
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Bland soup? Hardly!

Nobody could call my soup bland. It's almost too spicy for me to eat without a glass of milk or something (not that it takes much to be too spicy for me) and it's good. After everyone telling horror stories about the soup being bland and gross I was dreading it slightly but this is yummy. It might just be the spices and i had to add a little salt to my bowl in the end, but overall it's a nice soup.
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The New Plan

As some may know, I'm trying to be healthier and lose some weight. I'm trying to get in shape so that i can be happier, healthier, and able to play with my son more. I can't run after him in the park because I can't really run very far without the terrible pounding heart, gasping for breath, feeling like I'm going to die, and that's after only like 30 yards? I don't know specifically how far i can run but you get the point.

I made a new chart that spans up to a year from today but depending on my loss rate I could reach my goal in half that time. My goals range from 1.5-3 lbs a week. I didn't want to think of less than that when i wrote it but I do realize that as a realty as well.

I'm trying this thing called the cabbage soup diet to kick off this new plan. Currently I'm at 205(ish) and I want more than anything to drop below that 200 mark before the new year starts. I think that might motivate me more than anything else and help me deal with the smaller losses.

The cabbage soup diet is a 7 day eating plan based on a soup that obviously has cabbage in it. There are several recipes but I deviated and my soup is cabbage, green pepper, green onion, carrot, celery, lentils, garlic salt, crushed red pepper, savory, basil, thyme, and black pepper. The only sodium in it is from the garlic salt and if I'd had garlic powder I would have used it instead.

My previous weigh in day was fridays but I'm changing that to mondays. The change is purely because of when I started writing the new plan out and has no other significance then that. :-)

I also plan on continuing my exercising, putting more pressure on myself to actually keep up on that. There is no reason i shouldn't be working out every day even if it's just going for a wall and i know that. I just have a bad habit of putting it off for various reasons. It's late. My dvd player keeps messing up the workout video. I'm tired. I can do it later. I can just do more at work today. I have every excuse you could imagine and then some.

Kenny, you made me feel guilty for that and THANK YOU for doing that. You are doing so awesome on your healthy lifestyle that you make me WANT to be doing just as well. :-)

Anyway... Wish me luck?
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09 December 2010

Weird winter poem thing

If the sweet smell of candy canes were all but there
If the sharp scent of pine never filled up the air
And the crisp morning air never filled up with snow
Then what would exist of the winter we know?

If the chanukah candles sat in a drawer never lit
If the stockings never got hung for saint nick
If the bright decorations of kwanzaa were hidden
What if celebrating the holidays was simply forbidden?

If the churches never opened their doors christmas eve
If children were taught they aught not to believe
If it were illegal to sing holiday songs
All the magic of winter would simply be gone.

No matter what is celebrated during this season
We all celebrate it for similar reasons
For joy and cheer and family and love
For believing in someone looking down from above

The winter is beautiful for what we make it
Tolerating religions and giving donations.
For celebrating where we come from or what we believe
Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and New Years Eve.
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01 December 2010

I'm Contradictory Like That

If you want to make me mad at you tell me not to do something. If you want to make me frustrated and pissed off and defiant, tell me not to do something or that I can't do it.

I'm the person who does the opposite because I can, to be different, to defy authority. You want to offer me advice? Ok, but it's my choice whether to follow it or not. Don't like that? Tough...

I'm defiant. I don't like authority. I don't like being bossed around. Guidance is acceptable, but nothing else....

I'm more likely to do the opposite when bossed around....
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29 November 2010

Nanowrimo! Success? Or Mirage of Success?

I started in on this thing called National Novel Writing Month a little late in the game but I also was using something I had already started here on my blog. I know that using something you're already working on before november is "bad" but it's what I did. And I thought "i can do this, 1667 words a day is cake!"

I wrote. I began with what I already had and I wrote off of that and I skipped chunks of story and I had no plot and slowly but surely I wrote a story. I had written bits off to the side that had no place yet in my novel but were a part of it. I doubled up on parts of the plot line on accident and didn't fix it. I wrote a horrible first draft that is far from done, STILL!

I was discussing word count with my friend justin last night and he pointed out to me that all those side bits that I hasn't added into my main document count as word count for my story. All those odds and ends, little paragraphs, snippets of dialog, scenes, scenarios, everything I'd written was still word count even if it didn't fit into my plot yet.

So tonight I took heed of that and copied all of it into a new document, the main piece, the odds and ends, all of it, then copied it into my novel update page on the nanowrimo site....

52,081 Words so far

That makes me a winner, but as you can see from reading this, my novel is still far from completion. Not that anyone expected me to write a publishing ready novel in 30 days, but I'm nowhere near a competed first draft even. But I wrote over 50k words in a month.. Lol
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27 November 2010

Way to piss me off?

You want to know the perfect way to piss me off? Hop on messenger after reading my blog posts and wait til I log in to call me a fucking attention whore. Well Fuck you! I post things on my blog for ME! It's not there for you or anyone else. I share with the world because I know some people will read it and maybe someone can relate to my life but I don't do it for a god damn pity party. I'm not an attention whore. Fuck you. Don't read it if you don't like it. I know you fucking read it and don't comment because you know, god forbid somebody actually know you are reading them. All you do is call me names and shit. Why are we friends again...? Oh, but that's a rhetorical question because I blocked you on messenger and you sure as hell won't ager on my blog...
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Is it bad to be cynical?

I don't know anymore whether I'm cynical or just cold. Or if there is really any difference.

To be Cynical is to distrust or disparage (to belittle) the motives of others. To be bitterly distrustful, contemptuous (disapproval tinged with disgust) or pessimistic. To hold a low opinion of humanity and have a strong disbelief in the sincerity of human motives. Pessimistic is even listed as synonymous to cynical.

But I suppose that about sums up how I've related to most people. I distrust them except for a select small amount. I am unsure of what motivates them and distrust their motivations. I hope i don't belittle others but sometimes I really wonder...

I really thought hard about deleting my post from yesterday, not the one about the book, the other one. I read it over and it really hit me hard, it wasn't bad writing it because I was in one of those moos whee I just write and it pours out of my head but reading it after made me feel too exposed. But who rafa my blog anyway really? I have 3 subscribers and a few other readers but I'm sure a lot of views of my blog are me. I finally set my blog to ignore any views from my phone's browser so that should fix that issue...

I decided that to delete such an honest post would defeat the purpose of keeping records of my writing. So it stays.
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Ruined, not Broken

I'm reading a series again, I call it my "vampire smut" because really what else do you call a vampire romance novel? It's called the black dagger brotherhood by j.r. ward and it's romance sorties coupled with fighting and drinking blood and stuff. Anyway in the last book I read just now Phury sayyid his twin, Zsadist, wasn't broken, but ruined, implying he was unable to be changed, fixed, he was living in a state of perpetual damnation thanks to his horrible past until Bella came along and helped him out of this seemingly unending hell.

As is such with a romance novel or any novel really, the happily ever after is a given. Real life doesn't work that way, but it would be amazing of it did. I can relate to Z on so many levels....

bleh.. That's all I got for you all....
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26 November 2010

Never gonna happen....

I tweet, I'm on twitter a lot and I have a moderate amount of followers but it's kind of funny how I feel so distanced from those I would call friends. I tweet a lot more than I update facebook though it used to be the other way around. You can follow me on twitter if you don't already. That's @amazon626

I get such in my head, random thoughts sometimes. That's a problem tonight too, among other things... The thing that really gets me stuck in the endless thought spiral tonight?

Love. Straight up honest pure love.

See I tweeted earlier - I'm female. I'm gentle and powerful. I'm sweet and bitchy. I'm generous and manipulative. I'm solid and mercurial. You know you love us. <3

A friend tweeted a reply saying "/me runs away" and he's a sweet guy who is awesome. I know he was just joking around, not that I'd ever be physically close enough to him for running away to be necessary, but that's beside the point... Anyway, I responded with joking that this is what most do. Joking but it's true. No, not really. The truth is worse than running. The truth is I make a good slut. Yes, you read that right, slut.

Guys either see me as a friend, one of the guys, or an easy fuck along the way to someone they would rather be with. I dare you to deny that honestly. Does any guy even see my heart? See it as something real, worth holding and not crushing? Doubtful...

And besides that, good kind sweet guys, they don't want to date a single mom because they want something different. I might want to get married and have a real family and all that but like the title says....that ain't ever gonna happen. Never. And that's ok because I resigned myself to that fact years ago.

I know some people get so put off by my "negative thinking" but I don't see it that way. Real life isn't like a romance novel where some handsome man finally comes along and we live happily ever after (and of course, always have an orgasm and see stars when making love after going horseback riding on a vast beach....) because real life doesn't do that. Real life is the thing that slaps you around when you dream too big. So I'm not being negative. I'm being realistic.
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20 November 2010

Writing part whatever.. Lol

It had been a long day for clarissa as she sat pretending not to be worried, reading a book in the large recliner in her living room. She had been reading the same book for hours, rereading pages occasionally or simply starting at a particular page for hours as she let Darius and Wren's moods permeate her.

Darius and Wren had been glued to the tv's in the house waiting for the news to come on all day. Finally the reporter on the evening news said, "after the break we have an interview with a woman who says she was attacked by a teenager on the beach."

Darius and Wren shared a look then glared at Clarissa who was curled up in the chair pretending not to notice them. Wren cleared his throat loudly until Clarissa finally looked up at them.


"You know what. What the hell were you thinking?"

"We have been through this. I was hungry. I ate."

"You attacked someone!"

"Wren, you don't have to yell. I'm sure she realizes it was wrong to just attack someone, don't you?"

"Of course I do! I'm not a complete idiot!"

"Right, because a complete idiot would have done what? Killed the girl so she couldn't run then had murder charges on top of everything else?"

"Asshole," she muttered under her breath, then louder she said, "At least they think I'm a teenager. She can't have the best description of me and they will be searching the high school probably."

"You look like a teenager. You better hope nobody realizes it was you!"

"Welcome back to the evening news. When you go for a morning jog you don't think about much more than getting exercise. This morning in the south part of Ecola Park, Jessica Schneider was out for her morning jog and was attacked by a teenager. Jessica, tell us your story."

The blonde woman from the beach was laying in a hospital bed with bruises on her face and neck. "I was out for my normal morning jog and a girl came our from nowhere and tackled me down to the ground. She bit my neck with what felt like fangs. She looked kind of like one of those gothic kids with black hair and pale skin. Then this big guy ran up and pulled her off of me and I ran away back to my cat as fast as I could."

"Thank you, Jessica, for sharing. The police are looking for any information on the girl who attacked her or the man who pulled her off. She is described as a small female age 14-17 with pale skin, curly black hair, and possibly cosmetic fangs. The man is about 6 foot medium built with dooley red hair. Any information should be reported to the Seaside Police Department or the Clatsop County Sheriff's office. In other news-"

Darius shut off the tv and violently threw the remote across the room. It crashed into the wall, breaking into 3 pieces on impact. Wren looked at him strangely and Clarissa pretended to be absorbed in her book again through she had been on page 124 for 20 minutes now.

"He's going to come," Darius said in a hollow tone.

"who is?" Clarissa asked,looking up over the spine of the book.

"My father."

Wren suddenly looked scared. "Why? Why would he come?"

"How many 6' red head live here and might be seen with a girl who might attack a human? A girl with ' cosmetic fangs' seen with the black sheep son of the most powerful warlock in the west coast branch of the family? I think the better question is why wouldn't he come?"

Clarissa ducked down below her book again and started crying silently. She knew this was all her fault and she didn't know a lot about Darius's father other than that he used to beat up on darius because he wasn't like his siblings and that like Clarissa, he had gotten emancipated at 16.

Darius was by her chair before she even realized he had moved and she flinched as he wiped away her tears. "This is not your fault in any way. I don't want to see you crying. I'll protect you when they come after you. You don't have to worry about a thing."

"Not my fault? How is this not my fault? I'm the one who attacked her. I'm the one who turned into a fucking vampire. I'm the one who is going to get you into trouble with that asshole abusive father of yours."

"You told her about him?" Wren spoke up sounding surprised and shocked.

"I told her a little bit about myself. We are friends."

Clarissa slipped past Darius quickly and retreated to her room. She quietly sank down into her desk chair and rested her head in her hands. This was her fault but it didn't mean that it had to be a bad thing, a negative thing.

She resolved to make things better with Darius's family and this situation. She wouldn't attack humans. She Would be on her best behavior until the while thing just blew over.

Darius knocked on her door frame then walked into the room. "Can we talk?"

"Sure, what's going on?"

"I know my father and he is going to do whatever he can to find you so i want you to do something for me. I'd like you to carry this with you."

He held out a small crystal that was softly tinted purple. It was about the size of a pen cap and perfectly shaped with no superficial flaws and Clarissa could feel it pulsing as though it had a life force. At the top was some metal lattice work and it was attached to a delicate looking silver chain.

"What is it?"

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11 November 2010

Writing part.... 6?

I'd always wondered what it would be like to explore the country but I never thought I'd be doing it alone. I guess I always thought that Darius or my cousin Sherry would be with me. The truth was it was downright lonely getting into the car and driving around alone and I found myself commenting on things only to realize after I'd said it I was alone. I thought I was starting to lose it.

It was about 3 weeks after I'd left that I finally found someone and it was after I'd had a dream. A weird child-like stereo voice said, "Who you must seek is not in the legends, but is a legend. You must find a young girl with old woman's hair and pale skin. She is the one you seek and she is in the land of opportunity. California."

I called Darius and said, "do you know of a young girl with old hair and pale skin in california?"


"I'm supposed to look for her, a young girl with old woman hair and pale skin who lives in california. Ask Wren if he's seen her."

"Hey Wren! You have any visions about Clarissa meeting some young girl with old woman hair and pale skin in california?"

I heard a muffled "give me the phone" and an exchanging of hands occurred then in an 'i just woke up' kind of way Wren said, "what's up?"

"I had a dream where a voice told me I'd find a young girl with old woman hair and pale skin in california and she was the one I need to find. Know anything? Cause cali is a pretty big state to be blindly searching through."

"Nope, no clue who she is or where. I'll get back to you if I get any information but I'd just head there blind for now."

"Thanks. Can I talk to D again?"

"yea, one second."

Phone shuffle again. "hey, he help you out?"

"not quite, but he will let me know if he gets anything. For now I'm headed to california blind. Promise me you won't come down south looking for me."

"i shouldn't promise that but i will. I won't come looking for you."

"Thank you."

"I miss you."

"I miss you too. I even try to talk to you sometimes then remember you aren't here."

"heh, I do the same thing except Wren thinks I'm talking to him. Sometimes I get weird looks because I'll say something that's just an inside joke between us."

"heh, he wouldn't get a lot of things that are between us."

"You are driving safe, right? No driving when you are tired or speeding or anything."

"I'm a very safe driver, thank you very much."

"Yea, that's why your driving scares the living daylights out of both me and Wren."

I heard a faint reply from Wren, "Hey, leave me out of this."

Darius chuckled, "Wren objects."

"So I heard. Look, I'm gonna get off the phone and get going. Take care of yourself."

"will do, talk to you later."


I hung up the phone and started the car. Starting at the screen until it went black didn't help me any with knowing where to go so I just figured I'd start in the south and work my way north. Ready or not, California, here I come.
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08 November 2010

In case you read...

My "writing" posts are raw unedited incomplete and out of order posts regarding my nanowrimo project. They are really only being posted because it's the only way I have to get my phone written work to my computer where the whole project is at.

Feel free to read them if you like, comment, etc. Just don't expect them to be in order or always make sense. :-)

Happy Reading
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writing 5

"I love the smell of the salt water, the scent that the ocean gives off. It makes me feel like a kid again."

Darius looked down at me and smiled. "But the ocean here is as different from where you lived as a kid as this whole place is. Different too."

"And now so is my life."

"Growing older makes a difference."

"So does becoming a demon, D. This isn't exactly my idea of the ideal way to spend my life but I guess I'm not really me anymore. I mean, I'm still Clarissa Habbernash, but I'm not clarissa the skinny human whose hair might make her topple over. I'm Clarissa, the immortal demon girl who isn't too skinny anymore but whose boobs and butt now balance out her hair."

I clasped my hands over my mouth as soon as I realized I had said it and blushed furiously. Darius just grinned at me.

"Please forget I said that. Please please please forget I said that," I begged.

"Why? It was cute."

"Because it's super embarrassing. Pre-teens hope for boobs, not 22 year olds. We nr usually long since realized that barring surgery it's not gonna happen."

"It's still cute."

"It's almost sunrise, we should probably head back. Wren might wake up and wonder where we are."
"Even if he does wake up he'll be fine on his own. He knows where he's at and how to do things.

Cape Meares?
Rockaway beach?
Ecola state park?
Gold beach?
north of manzanita?

"They know someone is hiding the little blood sucker and they won't rest until they find our who she is and who is hiding her. If we run now they will know it's us."

"Wren, she can hear you."

"I don't care if she can hear me. I hope she can. It's all her fault we are in this mess and you walk around looking all high and mighty and authoritative but the reality is you can't and won't be able to protect her from our entire family. If either of us leave they will hunt us down knowing she is here. They will discover we are demons. We will all die."

"there are other options, other resources."

"Don't fool yourself, D, we knew we were going to get caught and the only way to avoid it is for her to leave."

"You seem to forget that you are the one who turned her, not me. She didn't know what was going on and neither did I when you turned me. Maybe you should have just let me die. And her. And lived your sad lonely demon immortal life."

"You think you would rather have died? Then go see if they accept her. Go see the family. Take her with you. They will kill you both and feel no remorse. You were there today and know it's true or you would have spoken up."

I heard a door slam and knew Darius had gone out the door in a fit of rage. Wren who was also quite angry stormed out the back door and I was left alone in my house again. I couldn't understand why Darius was arguing with the logic of what Wren was saying. I could see it plain as day and though i dreaded being alone I knew what I had to do.

I had to leave until things calmed down. I could come back when things were cleared up here but until then I was endangering Darius's and Wren's lives. They had saved my life and it was only fair that i didn't risk theirs.

I rose from my desk where i had been starting at "Dear Grandma" for their whole argument and while they were out and angry I gathered all the spare blankets and pillows. I also went into the attic and pulled down the luggage. I had money but I wasn't going to go around flaunting it. I had to take what I owned because i wanted to look like a girl on a trip, nour someone running from the law. So I started packing.

Wren returned before Darius and knocked on my door. I was done packing most of my things and had attached the bags our if sight so I wasn't worried when I called for him to enter as I was back seated at my desk putting the finishing touches on a letter.

"Hey," he said, looking awkward in my doorway.

"Hi, how's it going?"

"Ah, same old, same old. Look, um, about earlier, I, you know, didn't mean anything by it really. Nothing personal anyway." He shuffled his feet and stared at the expanse of white painted wall to the right of my head.

"You mean your argument with D?"

"uh, yea," he said in a low voice, shifting his gaze to his feet.

"Don't even worry about it. I get the logic. You guys are in danger of being discovered as my creator and being demons yourselves because I attacked a few people. I might learn to control my impulses but for now I'm a danger to you."

He looked up at me, "D doesn't get it so clearly. You might not know it to look at the guy but he's a softie at heart. He's also one of the best friends you'll ever have. He's stuck his neck out on the line for me so many times that when he had his accident I couldn't let it go like that. I had to do what I did. He's been there for me through thick and thin and i had to finally make it up to him by saving him."

"What kind of accident was it?"

"He was out hiking by himself on some trails when we were camping. He hasn't come back yet or checked in for 2 hours which was unlike him so I did a locator spell. When we camp we always have all our stuff with us to do basic things. His life force felt weak and I ran to where he was. Attacked by an animal or something and was almost dead. Would have died if I hadn't helped him out. When he came to he couldn't remember anything that had happened since he'd left on his hike."
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06 November 2010

Writing 4

This is not in any particular way a direct continuance of my lay writing post so if it doesn't make sense how it's arrived at this point in the story that's ok. It'll all make sense when I'm done writing. I'm using this for nanowrimo this year :-)

"I'm not hungry anymore," I quietly whispered to Darius, "It's been 2 hours since my last dose so I think it's safe to say I need to," I paused and swallowed hard, reminded of the cartoons we'd been watching, you know how they gulp and pull at the neckline of their shirt, "take the last potion and sleep."

Darius looked down at me. I could feel his worry through his presence but his voice was steady as a rock. "You'll probably be more comfortable waking up at your place so we set aside all the stuff we'll need to do the entire transformation in a bag. We just need to go wake up Wren again."

"He's not gonna be happy about that."

"Yea, he's like a cat, sleeps way too much. But if it's time then it's time. He'll just have to deal with it. He can sleep when you sleep."

Darius left the room to go get Wren and left me watching cartoons. I'd had 12 doses of their brew approximately every 10-20 minutes which was really worrying D. He thought it might mean something different and didn't like it. But there was no turning back now which was why the whole thing was forbidden I suppose.

We all got into Darius's car and drive back to my place where they set up my bedroom with crystals and candles.

"This might not taste very good but it'll taste better then your last dose of brew did," Wren said, offering me a small cup of deep red liquid.

"Once you drink this you need to go lay down immediately. We'll take care of the rest." Darius pulled me to him and hugged me tight then backed up.

"Ok, bottoms up? Cheers? Um.... I'm just going to drink this now." I gulped down the contents of the glass which oddly tasted like salty copper. Not good but not totally awful either. I instantly started to feel woozy and made my way down the hallway to my bedroom slowly and carefully.

I laid down on the soft bed careful not to disturb any of the crystals and stared up at the ceiling. I could feel Darius and Wren walking down the hallway towards my room and I could also feel their anxiety mounting.

They entered the room wearing dark hooded robes and lit the candles they had placed in the 4 directions. Then they placed their hands palms down over my body and began chanting in a strange and unfamiliar language with an odd cadence.

As if they had willed it, though I knew it was the last potion i had drank, my eyelids grew heavy. I turned my gaze to Darius's eyes and felt a rush of emotions that I couldn't distinguish from one another passing through him. The more I tried to identify them the more complex and entangled they seemed to become. Or that may have been the tiredness. Then the sleep overtook me.

Strangely, Darius and Wren's presences faded and I briefly felt overwhelmingly alone. Then what felt like a thousand presences and somehow yet only one, encapsulated me. Instead of feeling claustrophobic I felt warm and comforted by the pressure of this entity.

Child-like voices surrounded me chattering, indistinguishable from one another until as one they seemed to recite something. No, not as one, more that there was a singular voice and the others slightly trailed behind as though they were trying to be in unison but not quite successful. Like an echo in a large hall.

"When you awaken from this dream, little one, you shall be of the immortals. With your death, we give you life. Your senses, we enhance. You're a superior being. We see your heart is pure and untainted and that you knew not what would become of you in the beginning. You must embrace your fate. Your friends are arrogant and we apologize but though we will bestow many gifts upon you we must also curse you. They have arrogantly thought to defy fate and in doing so have created their undoing.

"They do not fear what your fate may be needlessly. Forget what you think you know of those who dwell in darkness and feed upon the blood of humans. Those myths and fairytales know little of the truth. As do your friends.

"Your acute vision will require the darkest protection in sunlight. A whisper half a mile away will sound like it was whispered into your ear. all of your senses will be enhanced as this including your 6th, your psychic abilities which until now lay dormant. You have an extraordinary ability to perceive other's energies and emotions. You always have and now it is enhanced.

"You will drink human blood and while this will be vital to your existence, it is not necessary every day, nor is it your solitary form of sustenence. You may learn not to kill, drink without killing. You shall not be forced to stay indoors during daylight hours. You are not required to sleep.

"Very little can hurt you, including garlic, wood, crosses, holy water, and silver. Those are human myths used to placate themselves into thinking they have some kind of safety. The myth of being sired stems from the process of demonification.
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03 November 2010

Writing part 3

Part 1 is under august
Part 2 is in september


"Yes, traits are the only reason it's ok for me to give you the brew. If you weren't positive it would just kill you."

I watched him as he slowly sipped the water, then I turned away toads the living room and stared at the tv. The grey screen was familiar but this new red screen was just a reminder of everything that had changed. I squeezed my eyes shut and slowly counted to 5 before opening them but nothing changed.

"It's not that bad is it?"

I turned towards him and managed to mumble out some sort of apology before leaving the room. I couldn't deal with this and my stomach was grumbling at me and I just wanted to go to sleep. I stumbled down the hallway and through the doorway to the bathroom, pausing to look in the mirror. It was like the lights had finally been turned on and I could see clearly how bad out had been because suddenly I saw the old me. My eyes were bright and there were no bags under them. My cheeks didn't look like skin stretched over the bone anymore and I actually had defined arm muscles again. Instead of hanging loosely off my boney shoulders and hips, my clothes almost fit.

And I had boobs again! I'd been losing weight so rapidly I had given up all hope of ever having enough there to bother with a bra again. I grinned at myself in the mirror and instantly panicked. My heart raced fast and it took me a moment to realize that I had scared myself somehow. I stumbled away from the mirror and into the bedroom.
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02 November 2010


I wrote a blog for halloween. A long blog. And then it wouldn't post. And then it wouldn't show up anymore. Stupid blog..
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29 October 2010

Misunderstandings... -shrug-

Is it fair to blame me for you getting yelled at, as a pic, when I took too long of a lunch? You were supposed to move tables with another employee which now isn't going to get done and you're going to get yelled at by another manager because of me? I'm sorry but that does not compute.

What happened? A manager did indeed call me and ask me to take a half an hour lunch from 7-7:30 but then he said in that same call to make it 6-6:30. When the person covering my lunch came out I said "it's half an hour, right?" he said no, it's an hour. So I tried to call both the 2621 & 2605 phones and got absolutely no answer. I told the person covering my lunch I'd check the chart inside, I did, it said 6-7 in pen changed from my originally scheduled lunch. So I took an hour.

I was never contacted and told during my lunch to come back. Nobody called the break room, I never heard an overhead for me, nothing. So to say it's not his fault at all is asinine as he's a manager, a Person In Charge, a 4th. I'm a peon. If anything comes of this via manager of discipline I'll just tell them exactly what happened. I'm not going to let this bother me anymore tonight because it's pointless to dwell on. I got it out here. I'm done thinking about it.
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Why Geek/Gamer Girls Make Amazingly Awesome Girlfriends

I was browsing the internet the other day looking for reasons why geek/gamer girls are so awesome. I found the net highly lacking in this quality information and I'll just chalk it up to the fact that people sometimes still think we don't exist. Baffling, I know, but truth. Go ahead and walk into the auction house in WoW and announce you are a real life girl if you don't believe me. You get everything from people hitting on you based off your avatar to calling you a liar and telling you you suck at playing.

Apparently, in my experience of playing mmo games, being a female gamer means one or more of these things..
1) you are lying and really a guy
2) you are someone's girlfriend
3) you suck at the game
4) you don't exist
5) you are fat
6) you are ugly

Now that's not very fair is it? Thankfully there are more of us than most realize and we are much more obvious about our existence than our mystical brethren. (sasquatch, nessie, santa clause, etc.) We can bust these myths that we don't exist. We can stand on our own 2 feet and prove we are just as good as the boys and we will pwn your 4$$ (can I get a hell yeah? XD)

This list isn't just about geek/gamer girls being awesome girlfriends, but about us in general being awesome altogether. It's that anything we can do that us awesome is everything that makes us great girlfriends and then some.

1) We know how to play video games. Yes, there are girls out there who love to play games like The Sims and Mario Party. I'm one of them, but gamer girls like to play rpg and fps just as much as those games, if they like those. Some girls can't stand those other games.

2) She more than likely owns several pairs of shoes like any other girl but she's likely to swoon over those +5 agility boots in the ah she's trying to bid for than those 4" stilettos at the mall.

3) Speaking of the mall, the only times you'll find her there is if there's a movie theater and a new movie she wants to see is playing, if there is an arcade with games she loves, if there's a collectable shop inside, or if she was dragged there by someone else. Unless she's like me and likes walking around the mall just to walk around the mall sometimes. :-)

4) She's the kind of girl who will stand in line camping out with you for 2 days to get into the latest Star Trek or Harry Potter flick. She won't mind if she misses a shower or had to sleep in a sleeping bah on the cement. Plus you can take turns holding the spot for each other's bathroom breaks.

5) She is smart. In general geeky girls tend to be pretty intelligent. You won't be hearing your buddies cracking dumb blonde jokes behind your back about her.

6) She knows how to read instruction manuals, and usually will. Not one to arrogantly throw out the manual and the box immediately after taking thee product out, your cool calm collected geeky girl might first try to work her powers to use products before reading it, but at least she kept it in case that failed. Oh yea, and she understands the manual will enough to follow it too.

7) She isn't overly needy but when she wants your attention she knows how to get it. She isn't going to interrupt your raid, but she is going to expect you to put down that xbox controller and have some dinner at the table once in a while. If you spend her birthday or your anniversary on gaming all day i can guarantee she'll be pissed, but an all day star trek movie marathon might be right up her alley for those special days.

8) LAN party partner? Check. Halo teammate or opponent? Check. Raid party member? Check. She'll go to that movie, that convention, that museum exhibit. She'll invest time in your interests because she cares about you and what you like.

The fact is I could go on but I'll hand off to my friends now. I asked a few friends to contribute to my list and let them know I'd give them credit for it. I'd never steal their contributions and call them my own obviously. :-)

So first we have Daniel, if you would like to follow this wonderful fellow who from my understanding always follows back on twitter he is @twisteddaniel

1) Because you can both be making SciFi sounds together while driving

2) When you extend your hand for automatic doors you don't feel like a complete idiot

3) People will think you're speaking in code all the time when you have a Geek Girlfriend

4) Geeks make best lovers due to excessive electronics. *tap tap, circle, slide tap tap, eight figure, etc.*

5) When you have geek girlfriend, everyone is secretly jealous. Or at least other geeks

6) You always have a teammate when playing videogames in your mother's basement

*tiffany note* I don't necessarily agree with the "in your mother's basement" part of that last one

Next up is the wonderful and awesome Tim from oregon, who I also met through the twitterverse. He's pretty cool to chat with. On twitter he is @kingisaaclinksr

1. More tolerant of your gaming habits, because let's face it, they would be right there, playing with you ;)

2. Be open to more things like Conventions or Fanfests

3. Would discuss geeky and/or tech topics.

4. Would watch Anime with me, that would be pretty darn cool

5. Wouldn't mind my habit of collecting things, even if I don't right now.

6. Could have a serious Kirk VS Picard argument ;)

7. Would have less issues around technology, or even be better at understanding them than me :)

I meant to have more contributions but out didn't pan out. Might post their stuff later.
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The Science of Weight Loss

So I wrote all about the science of how to lose weight before and then I found this formula. I realize there is more to it than this but this is just the basic stuff you need to know to do this whole weight loss thing.

If you want to lose weight figure out your BMR which for women is 655+(4.35*weight in pounds)+(4.7*height in inches)+(4.7*age in years) then you take that number and you multiply it by 1.2 (sedentary) 1.375 (lightly active) 1.55 (moderately active) 1.725 (very active) 1.9 (extra active) and that final number is how many calories it takes to maintain your current weight. Then you decrease that amount of caloric intake to lose weight. So say you you want to lose 1lb a week, you decrease your maintenance intake by 500 and you will lose 1lb a week without having to exercise.

So if you are a man, figuring out your BMR is a little different a formula but you still multiply it by ike mm the same numbers for your activity level. For you it is BMR=66+(6.23*your weight in pounds)+(12.7*your height in inches)+(6.8*your age in years)

So for me my formula is BMR=655+(4.35*204)+(4.7*62)+(4.7*23) and if I multiply it by sedentary I get 2330.28 and if I multiply it by lightly active I get 2670.1125 so that's my maintenance daily calories. More to come later.
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24 October 2010


I will say it loud and proud that I am 100% against the sale of liquor in our grocery stores. I will be voting no on initiatives 1100 and 1105 on this november's ballots. I do not think that it is appropriate to sell liquor in stores where teenagers shop, where they already make purchases of beer or grab it and run out the doors. Granted I also think that if you are old enough to vote and live on your own and die for your country in a war you should be allowed to legally partake in fermented beverages.

The fact is that a kid can go into a stripe and when nobody is paying attention, slip a candy bar into their pocket. How big are small bottles of liquor? How often do people check id's when selling stuff? It's easy to say that it doesn't happen but it probably happens a lot more than you'd think and it's not like that's going to change. So why risk more underage drinking by putting hard alcohol into our grocery stores?
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16 October 2010

My Biggest Food & Exercise Pitfalls

1. I eat food that is unhealthy and/or high in calories.
2. I convince myself I can put off exercising until the next day.
3. I don't eat all day then I eat more than i should for one meal.
4. I don't eat all day. Period. Either because i don't feel hungry, I forget, or on occasion on purpose.
5. I snack all day.
6. I start to work out and then give up because it's "too hard"
7. I don't drink enough water during the day.

There might be more, but these are the main ones I can think of right now.
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Weight check in

This time is going to be a quickie post and go, nothing really much to say. 204.2 yesterday w/ 0.6 loss from last friday's 204.8 which again is still a loss but it's a little one. I've been weighing myself on average at 11-1 on fridays, thereabouts of shortly after I wake up.

I'm still working on my goals, will keep you all updated on those once I'm done writing that blog out. :-)
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14 October 2010

Growing Older

I feel like some day I'm just going to wake up and say "what happened?" because I feel like time is going by too fast. We only have say, 80 years on average of life, and by that, I'm over 1/4 through it. I'm 23. The farthest I've been from home was a trip to washington dc. I've never been to college. I've never been out of the country. I've never published a book or sold a drawing so I'm really not a very accomplished artist.

What am I? A single mom who works in retail and is still trying to figure things out. I wish I was one of those "women who come into their power" influential people but I'm not. I'm nobody. In term of influence and power that is. I don't know how people manage to do things sometimes.

Weird things that I never used to think about are now inserting themselves into my head. Work and rent and bills are at the top and things like video games and reading books have somehow worked their way to the bottom. And it's like there's this kid inside, the younger me, saying "hey, I'm still here" but I'm an "adult" now and have to "grow up" and I hate it. I don't want to be all grown up. But on the flip side I don't want to be like my 50 year old pot smoking dad.

I find myself lately trying to figure out why I find teenagers so annoying but then i remember that i found them annoying when I was one too. I wonder if that makes me old, finding them annoying, but then i think about thinks I love. I love playing in the rain and twirling around in falling snow. I love splashing in mid puddles and dressing up in costumes. I love video games and cartoons and going exploring in the trees. And those are not things "stuffy adults" do. So I think I'm safe for now.

I know some people might be saying "23 isn't old" but see, it is toa girl who feels like is was just yesterday she was going to her first day of high school and in reality that was almost 10 years ago. And having a child makes me think about life different. He's going to be 1 next month and it feels like time just flew by. But that's what we do. We get older.
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13 October 2010

Creativity Block

I want to write or draw or do something but for some reason right now I'm like 98% creatively failing.

This sucks.
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10 October 2010

If anyone is interested...

I have limitations on what I can do in what amount of time but if anyone is interested in it, this holiday season I'm trying to sell goodies. I can bake, sew, knit, and I'm a fairly decent artist. I don't have anything official pricing wise but if you are interested at all even just in getting more info please feel free to email me.
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09 October 2010

October 8 weigh in and new goals

So I used this week as a slack off, eat junk, be lazy week. I ate garlic fries and drank soda at the mariners games friday and sunday, I had a dominos pizza and cheesy breadsticks monday-wed, I had a corn dog and potato wedges, the list goes on. I didn't try to work out, I went for one walk from my apartment to the office to pay my rent and back. It was a lazy week compared to the other weeks. Well, I did climb stairs at the m's games and such too.

So riddle me this... I weighed in today at 204.8 lbs. How? 206.0 last friday having gone down only 0.8 working so fucking hard and then turn around this week eating crap and not working out and losing 1.2?? *sigh*

I'm working on the plan. It's planned but to type it would take longer than I want to type on my phone right now and also this blog was STARTED over 14 hours ago. Posting it now. :-)
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07 October 2010

Be You

There have been moments in my life when I've done things for the singular purpose of making others happy with me, pleasing them, playing a role in life that is not my own happy little comfort zone to be in. Then something occurred to me. By being that person I was living a lie, a hollow life that wasn't good for anyone involved. Even if it was only for 5 minutes.

Nobody should ever feel like their opinions and thoughts are not valued. Nobody should ever feel like they are not good enough just how they are. Nobody should ever feel like they have to change to make other people happy. Ever.

I will raise my son to know that if he is gay or straight that is ok. I will raise him to know that whether he wants to play football or do ballet doesn't matter. If he loves may or decides to be a vegetarian, if he loves star trek like his mommy or would rather see a good car race instead that's all ok too. I will raise him to know whoever he is, whatever he loves, that is his passion and him as a person and i will love him no matter who he is. Because first and foremost he is Alex, my son.

Always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. - Judy Garland
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05 October 2010

Costumes and Cosplay

I went to walmart saturday night and got alex a little baby yoda costume and a superman costume. They are both too big but that just means he can wear them longer. But now my question is this-why don't costume makers make BABY costumes like these? I had to get toddler sizes which is why they are too big.

Anyway, I'd like to talk for a moment about costumes and cosplay. They are the same thing but called differently when you wear them at different times, I think. Say if my son is superman for halloween that typically is a costume but if I take him to comic can like that it is now cosplay. Of course some cosplay is 100% impractical for halloween. I suppose they are interchangeable terms though, either way you look at it.

So now alex has a couple costumes. :-)
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03 October 2010

Reassessing the Situation and Applying Science. And glitter :-)

Ok so I said I'd update you all with my reassessed goals and plans so here I am again. I weighed in at 206.0 on friday and yes 0.8 lbs loss is still a loss but I was disappointed in myself and I want to change that. My goals may or may not be too steep for me, but I'll deal with that as soon as that time comes.

It takes 3500 calories burnt off to lose a pound of body fat. That information is in my last blog. So the accurate way to figure out how to do this would be to mark down everything you do during the day no matter how mundane and then figure out how many calories each burns. Washed the dishes? Took a shower? Sat at the movies? All counts. And at the same time add in how much and what you arte eating. Then you would adjust your intake and output to be equal and hopefully you calculated right and have discovered your maintenance level. That's too much work. I'm going to do the quick version.

My version means I just pick a number to set my caloric intake at. Then I'm going to set an activity increase level. Then I'm going to weigh myself friday and set from there new weekly goals.

And the glitter? I'm going to trey my best to feel pretty and happy with myself every day no matter what my goal is and how far or close I an to it. The point of my weight loss is to be healthy and happy and most of the time I'm not really either. Unless I'm tickling alex.
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01 October 2010

October 1st Weigh In (time to reassess)

The fact that I'm a geek should have come up before this point in this while situation. Weight loss is scientifically proven so why not apply that science? Duh!

Science says that there are 3500 calories in a pound of body fat. That translates to be if you cut your intake by 500 calories a day you will lose a pound a week.
But the problem with that is pretty obvious with society today. We are gaining weight. So first you have to figure out how to stop gaining (IE figure out the calories it would take to maintain your current weight without gaining or losing) THEN cut the intake from there. Humans are meant to intake as many calories as they burn in a normal day. So to lose 3.5 lbs a week I would need to decrease my intake and increase my activity enough to burn off 1750 calories per day, and that's off of maintenance intake/exercise.

That's a lot. Especially for a single mom working 5 days a week. But ok, that's the science. So what activities burn calories that I could, say, incorporate into my time at work? I spend 8 hours a day 5 days a week at work.

According to a website, going for a moderate paced 4 hour walk pushing a stroller at my current weight would burn almost that many calories, the amount necessary to per week lose 3.5 lbs. Not that going for a 4 hour moderately paced walk pushing a stroller every day is absolutely a realistic thing I could do, but it's nice to know it's an option.

Also apparently as you lose weight it takes more activity to burn the same number of calories. I guess out makes sense that walking for 30 minutes and moving 250 lbs of weight takes more work than walking 30 minutes and moving 150 lbs of weight. So to combat that would it work to like.. Put on ankle weights and things to burn more calories while walking? Like if I put a 5lb ankle weight on each leg and made myself wear those all day at work I'd essentially "weigh" 10 lbs more and burn calories faster? I don't know.

Anyway, I weighed in today at 206.0 and my goal this week was 201.4-200.6 so i obviously failed my goal again. And last friday i was 206.8 so I only lost .8 in the last week. I'm disappointed in myself. But no matter how disappointed I am I am refusing to let that get me down or discourage me. I think. I hope.

I don't know, I think I need to reassess my goals and factor in this new science aspect and see how that works out for me.

Next friday's goal is likely to change so I'm not even going to post it here this week. I'll update tomorrow or sunday with more details.
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29 September 2010

"That's a bit OCD don't you think?"

I was told this today by the morning fuel center guy when I came in to the kiosk and checked the drawer total and commented that someone again had dropped a dollar amount into the safe that wasn't a $50 or $100 increment. My reaction to this in my mind?
Really? REALLY!? I wonder if he's never noticed how I rearrange things in the kiosk that he's moved BACK to the way they were. I wonder if he's ever noticed how I move the cones the way I like them and think logically they should be. I wonder if he's ever noticed how many times I do these things. Every shift. And he moves them back. He tries to impose how he works, how he does things on me by letting me know how he does it. I ignore how he does it. How I do it works. I don't like change. I like routine. I like the garbage can to be there when i blindly throw my crumpled notes where it always was, not where I never remember he's moved it to. Because oh gee, I AM OCD! No wonder those things I do "seem a bit OCD" to you. They are! I am!

What I actually said? "Well I am kinda OCD" He replies "Just let it go" I reply "easier said than done" and once have the opportunity to, I do a drop that balances the drop amount to what I think it should be, ending in "50.00" or "00.00" instead of the "10.00" it said when I checked it.

It's how I am. It's what I do. It's who I am. People shouldn't try to change that.

A manager once tried to make me do my section inside the store the "wrong" way. Back before I saturated working out at fuel regularly I was on the sales floor and I recovered and customer serviced the area known as "paint through variety" which was paint, auto, plumbing, tools, lightbulbs, lamps, curtains, rugs, pillows. That was the way I recovered my section. Starting at paint and ending at pillows. Well I made a PIC mad or frustrated with me and she threatened to send me home early if I didn't go to the pillows and recover my section. I tried to tell heer I was going to paint right then to do that, but she was mad or whatev and wouldn't listen to me. So I went to pillows. I really really tried to do them. I did. I wound up sitting on the flor barely straightening the pillows trying really hard not to cry. I couldn't make myself start at pillows.

My coworkers and managers don't have to get it to just accept it as it is. I don't get why people do things sometimes but that doesn't mean I don't accept it. I just shrug and do my thing. That's simple enough a thing to do.

It's like in video games, I have to do my thing, which happens to be everything. I'm not focused on winning the game, getting the max level character, being the highest ranked, I just want to figure out everything. I want to know why that cave is over there. I want to know how the high priestess came into her position. I want to know why the night elves and dwarves get along but the trolls and blood elves are on the other faction. I want to do all the quests even if it's a starting zone quest and worthless for anything more than just doing it. How in runescape I'll pick up that 1 coin you didn't off that drop, it adds up. In real life i pick up pennies and aluminum cans. That's money.

I don't know, I'm just different I guess. :-)
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28 September 2010

You Are Not Me!

You are not me and thank all that is good I'm not you because I think I would hate myself. I make decisions regarding my life while taking into account that I do have a little boy to take care of too. And I'd like to think I'm doing an ok job of that.

I took my son to emerald city comic con and sakura con back in march and april this year. I also took him to an improv show with 3 cast members of the guild. Yes, he was just under/over 4 months but I don't think there was anything wrong with what I did.

I have been criticized for everything from what I did and didn't do while i was pregnant to what I let my child play with or where I let him play. Places I take him, things I talk about doing, things I let him eat. I'm sick of it.

Are you his mother? No? Then stfu!

Are you a mother or father? Yes? Then I value your ASKED FOR opinions and advice but if i didn't ask for it, stfu. No? Then stfu!

Unless I ask for it, whether you are a parent or not, don't give me "help" and "advice" that is really criticizing the way I do things. I don't question your parenting. I don't starve or freeze or otherwise abuse my child. He's a happy healthy little boy who loves being around people, playing with his toys, being tickled and swung upside down.

Happy & Healthy. The important things.

And this post is not directed at any of the people whose opinions I very much value and I hope you guys realize that I'm not talking about you. :-)
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25 September 2010

September 24 Weight Update

So I tried to type out this whole blog entry yesterday with my phone but lately my phone has been doing this whole "I'm going to quit typing on the keyboard for you hahaha" thing and pissing me off.

So I'm posting it a day later but I did write it yesterday.

So I'm trying really hard not to eat "bad" foods but it's hard to change 23 years worth of eating habits in a few weeks. They say it takes about a month to create a habit so I hope it'll get easier...

Anyway, this week's goal was Sept 24 weigh in 204.8-204.2
And I weighed in at 206.8 so I didn't make the goal. But i also have yet to make my week's goals so maybe I'm being a little too ambitious with the amounts? Or maybe i'm not putting in nearly enough effort?

Last week's weigh in was 209.6 when the goal was 208.2-207.8 which was a loss of 2.4 and that puts this week's loss at 2.8 also, but that's no 3.4-3.6 and I know it's still good but it's frustrating.

I've cut down my portions, been eating kinda better, been going on walks, and it's just slow going.

Next week's goal is the Oct 1 weigh in for 201.4-200.6 but I don't think I'm losing 5lbs this week with my current rate of 2.5 ish.

My goals
- no fried deli food
- no soda
- no desserts over 150 cal
- keep going for walks
- try to do a workout dvd twice (or more) this week (i have 3, 2 from mcd's when I worked there and a tae bo cardio)
- Drink more water, this is really hard for me. I don't know why, but it is.

See you next week (or before then if I feel like posting and you feel like reading)
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22 September 2010

growed ups

If I was everything I wanted to be when I was little I'd be an artist, writer, cartoonist, poet, actress, marine biologist, archaeologist, psychologist, treacher, dog trainer, vet, radio dj, Captain of a starfleet ship, stay at home mom in a rock band. Oh, and married to garret wang or wil wheaton. (ensign kim on voyager/wesley crusher on tng)
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21 September 2010

In the world of me.

I am Tiffany but who does that make me? I'm a fun loving awkward silly geeky gamer girl and that equates me to the status of unicorns and santa clause. You know, because girls don't play video games. Of course not, because why would a girl like to kill things and actually be good at it?

But I'm the girl who doesn't just want to kill things, but I want to explore every corner, every cave, every aspect of the game. I want to know how to do skills like cooking well so that unlike those people who have to buy the best food, I make enough for myself and some to sell. My cooking and leather working and skinning in WoW was higher than some of the level 70's in my guild.

I always find it interesting when people ask me how I became a gamer. It's funny because for me it's a question I can't answer. That's on part with asking me how I got hair. Or why my eyes are blue. It's how I am, it's who I am, I'm a gamer. I don't remember a time when I didn't play video games. We even used to have this gaming system that had 4 different colored buttons and to had to press the right button. I remember playing the nes at a very young age, gameboy before it was in color and had a touch screen. I remember the first gameboy colors. The color sucked on them. I played super nintendo at my friend amanda's house. I played classic sim city when I was like 9. I played castle of the wins and treasure mountain and jill of the jungle and the oregon trail and the amazon trail and where in the world is carmen san diego... I joke that I was born with a nes controller in my hands but it's really only half a joke. I didn't play muds like my brother did but he tried to get me to play. It confused me. But now what he tried to explain to me makes more sense. I think had he let me ask questions and play more I would have eventually gotten it but I never really did. Besides that I do better with visuals than fast moving text.

Anyway, I think that's what I wanted to say here? I don't know. My random ramblings.
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I Sell Cancer

I know that's a dramatic title for my post but I literally sell nothing that is good and healthy except maybe the beef jerky. I sell candy, gum, 5 hour energy, chips, and tobacco products. Our biggest seller being cigarettes. Hence, I sell cancer.

Every time I id someone and their birthday is between 92 and 85 I want to scream at them. Especially those 92-90 little kids just turned 18 going out buying cigarettes and even sometimes getting them for their friends who are underaged. I know they are old enough to make their own decisions but it's not smart to smoke. It's not cool. It's not healthy. It's not better than doing illegal stuff as some lady tried to tell me once. It's slinky paying astronomical prices for something that will ultimately make you very sick if you continue using it.

There are little kids dying of cancer and have no choice and here you have people willingly going out and buying something that is known to cause cancer. There are people around you who wil get sick because of you. Did you think about that? Your significant other later on down the road could get cancer just because they were around you while you smoked. Or your kid could. Did you know new studies show smoking while pregnant also gives your child a higher risk of becoming addicted to nicotine if they ever smoke?

I used to smoke so don't think I'm on some high horse ranting with no knowledge of what it is like. Of course my quitting circumstances were basically keep feeling insanely nauseous and possibly puke or quit smoking and be healthier for both myself and my baby. I took quitting, obviously. Not to mention good incentive was last year I lost 3 amazing people to cancer.

The first to get sick was my grandpa, he was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer in 07 and he went through chemo and radiation like a champ. He was told he had 2 weeks to 2 months when he was diagnosed and he lived about 2.5 years so just goes to show how wrong doctors can be.

The next to get sick was my great uncle darl. He got pancreatic cancer and he passed away in november last year, the last to go.

And then there was my great uncle Bruce, he had a brain tumor. It was weird because his was so sudden and unexpected. I remember being told he fell down in the early morning and nobody knew why and he was taken to the hospital. Then I was told he had an infected tooth our something and the next thing I knew they were saying he had a tumor. Turned out all those years he spent in the navy and all as a dental tech with the x-ray machines have him brain cancer and he was gone so fast I was shocked. I couldn't believe it.

Then in january while I'm trying to find out information about my dad's family to get them birth announcements, I find out that my dad's dad passed away in january so we all took a trip to southeast for that funeral.

My cousin's friend just died of cancer. My friend just told me her grandma has between hiding from the family that she has breast cancer and probably won't make it to christmas. My other friend said her oldest sister didn't tell the family that for the last 2 years she's been getting chemo and stuff for skin cancer and she only told them at her younger sibling's birthday part because she was finally "in remission" or whatever. My cousin's cat had skin cancer even so anyone can be touched by cancer whether they have human family or just pets.

I guess my point is... Put on sunblock and put down the cigarette and don't get cancer.
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19 September 2010

Autistic Child Case

I'm recommending to you all this interesting article on about a 9 year old autistic girl whose family is receiving money in her individual case. read the article and some of the below comments before you read ther rest of my blog entry or it might not make a lot of sense.

I found this article on my cousin's facebook page and I thought it was too cool not to share with you all. I think it's interesting to know that there are some links to vaccines and autism but the reality is that this is a case specific event. The specific underlying factors in this case are what made it through, and those are not necessarily the same for a lot of cases of autism.

The thing people don't seem to grasp about autism is that it is a spectrum disorder. Some people are totally debilitated by it while others are relatively ok. some people are super smart and have social issues that no amount of "socialization" fixes and some people lack mental capacity due to it. The causes aren't really known but it could just be hard wired into our brains.

People try so hard to find cures and pills to make things all better but sometimes a disorder is just a disorder. Maybe you can't fix it. I think some people are just happy to know there is a reason why they are the way they are. I know I'd partially be happy to officially know if I'm aspie or not. That is an autism spectrum disorder. I'm worried that if I am it might be an issue but then I'm also curious because it would explain a lot. It's weird because I'd like to know but not and it wouldn't change who or how I am but just put an explanation behind it. It's not like I'm not smart because anyone who knows me at all knows that, but I am lacking in some social skills, I'm very "stick in the mud" opinionated. I'll listen to other's opinions but I rarely change mine. I ramble on about random things that most people don't care about. There are other things too but mostly if you look back in my posts there is a site a friend linked to me and it has a test on it. Every time I've taken that test it says I'm probably an aspie.

Anyway, moving on, I wanted to make a commentary on the things listed below by the "nazi conspiracy theorist" who is trying to say that getting vaccinated is causing brain damage. I know that person is saying a lot of things and i know the government isn't the best at letting us know everything but I seriously doubt that evey single person who has gotten vaccinated is brain damaged due to those vaccines. I for one haven't gotten a yearly flu shot and I don't have any autoimmune disorder or anything from childhood vaccines. Of course that person would argue that I don't get yearly flu shots so of course I'm not damaged. But the reason I don't get the shot has nothing to do with mercury or conspiracies and more to do with I feel that my body can handle the germs of the world. I haven't had the flu in... I can't even remember how long, and I get maybe a cold every winter. if I'm unlucky I get 2. I got the h1n1 last year before alex was born only for him. and while I was in the hospital I got the whooping cough one for him too.

I think you'd have to be partly insane to believe everything that person is saying about getting vaccinated. vaccines do help the very young to make it through their childhood healthy. I wouldn't doubt that children survive fine without the vaccines but I would not want to risk my child getting something like the measles or small pox and getting really sick because I didn't get him vaccinated. I do not plan on getting him vaccinated for the flu yearly because I don't think it's necessary. Unless he has any underlying health issues I don't see a problem with not getting one. I have a healthy kid who made it through his first cold and flu season with one cold. I don't shelter him, he goes out and spends time around people. We go to mariners games and conventions and we went to the fair. We ride the bus places and he is a happy healthy kid.

I didn't mean to get off topic. I know I kind of got focused in on my life and my kid but this is my blog too. lol
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18 September 2010

September 17 (18) weight

So I was at the puyallup fair yesterday and seriously I don't know anyone who can eat well at the fair. I got scones, the best scones ever. It's like how I can't go to a mariners game and not have garlic fries, puyallup fair scones are exactly the same situation.

I walked a ton, alex couldn't go on any of the rides because he's too short/young, but I went on the roller coaster twice, the swings that go up in the air and around, I went down the giant slide with apparently over 100 stairs, on the haunted mansion ride which was short and surprisingly actually scared me, and then I rode on the antique carousel. (not in that order)

I got a pass from my work that came with 6 rides which is the only reason I went on any rides except the carousel. I got $10 in food from that pass too and at the fair i ate a cheeseburger, fries, 2 scones, some milk, an elephant ear, and tons of water.

We got to see cows and llamas and alpacas and baby pigs. Alex loves seeing the animals so that was nice. He seemed most interested in the extremely active baby pigs. Oh, and we saw some of the 4h dogs.

Getting on with things, I weighed myself yesterday morning but I don't remember what it was and I forgot to post so I did it again this morning and....
This week's goal was 208.2-207.8 so I did not reach this week's goal.
Last week I was 212 so that was a change of 2.4 which is still pretty good.

Sept 24 weigh in 204.8-204.2 <- next friday

My goals for the next week
- again no fried deli food as I failed that last week
- keep trying to go for walks
- no soda
- no deserts over 150 calories
- more water (I'm really bad about drinking water)
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16 September 2010

Geek and Gamer Girls

Now I know that not a lot of people may not have seen this video. There are some who don't care. Heck, most people probably don't even care about my opinion of this but along the lines of anomaly podcast who are geeky girls I too am an "anomaly" and I want to say something.

If you haven't seen the video yet you should go watch it. Basically some geeky girls got together and write a parody of California Girls. I don't like the original song at all in the first place. I think it, along with other songs by Katy Perry, is annoying, stereotypical, and degrading. I like a few of her songs mostly because they are poppy and catchy.

I absolutely loved everything about this video and song at first. I watched it then I read a blog. I watched it again. I read comments on the video and on the blog and I watched the video a third time. The song is catchy. It's Katy Perry catchy. But the video portrays women who are geeks and gamers to be precisely the objects of men's fantasies. Yes some gamer girls are hot. Michelle Boyd, Felicia Day, etc. But whether we are all hot or not shouldn't matter when it comes to kicking ass at video games. They put strategically placed geeky objects to hide the naughty bits of their naked bodies laying on a bed of comics. That's totally how geeky gamer girls want to NOT be seen by guys. Imo.

I could go into more extensive detail but I'd rather just direct you to another blog. The one I read that made me see other things. I (mostly) share anne's opinion.

Alas! Twitter!
spaltor: Check it out & join the discussion in the "comments." RT @Sevryll Anomalous Musings: Anomaly of: Geek and Gamer Girls
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My SDCC cosplays

So sdcc is 4 days and while I have 5 cosplay outfits they are mostly not comic con outfits. I have a chinese dress, a kimono, a hell girl school outfit, a princess serenity dress, and a rocket grunt outfit. My plans to make my might elf rogue outfit are coming together nicely. So for sdcc I was thinking sci-fi tv, computer gaming, comic hero, console gamer. I came up with Classic Trek for tv, WoW for computer gamer, basing of my ability to lose weight, either cat woman or wonder woman for comic hero, and I'm not sure if using my rocket grunt and alexchu hat (if it still fits him then) will work our not even tho pokemon is pretty well known across the span of geeks.
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15 September 2010


I had a deli burrito for "lunch" today. And some ice cream but it wasn't even 1/4 of the container. But I didn't say I wasn't going to eat ice cream. I said no deli food. Fail. Oh well.
At last it tasted good. :-)
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10 September 2010

September 10 weigh in

The results are in. 212.0
It's no 211.5 but it's better than I expected.

No previous week goal

Next week's goal - 208.2-207.8

This week's plan...
No soda
More water
No fried deli food or microwave meals for work lunch breaks.
Exercise at least 3x (even if it's just a walk around the complex)
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09 September 2010

Weight Goals Outlined

I felt like I needed an official goal outlined for my weight. As you all know, my lovely readers, I'm trying to be healthier for my son. Well, and for myself. Some know of my "project x" web series plans and I want to slim down a bit before filming happens too. I know that sounds a bit shallow, vain, etc. But hey, at least I'm being honest.

So I set myself a difficult but not impossible goal. If I exceed my goal 1 week then that means I work just as hard the next week. If I fail to reach my goal 1 week I work harder the next week. If I don't reach my goal that's ok but it's a goal ZONE I'm trying for and the lower it gets the farther apart the zone gets. My goal is to reach 135-140 lbs by my february 4, 2011 weigh in.

I will weigh in every friday around noon and record my weight here on my blog. I will also list here my goals for every week now on this blog. Also on my friday blogs I will list the previous weeks goal + success or failure to meet it and also the next week's goal.

To reach my goal...
Sept 10 weigh in should be at or below 211.5
Sept 17 weigh in 208.2-207.8
Sept 24 weigh in 204.8-204.2
Oct 1 weigh in 201.4-200.6
Oct 8 weigh in 198.0-!97.0
Oct 15 weigh in 194.6-193.4
Oct 22 weigh in 191.2-189.8
Oct 29 weigh in 187.8-186.2
Nov 5 weigh in 184.4-182.6
Nov 12 weigh in 181.0-179.0
Nov 19 weigh in 177.6-175.4
Nov 26 weigh in 174.2-171.8
Dec 3 weigh in 170.8-168.2
Dec 10 weigh in 167.4-164.6
Dec 17 weigh in 164.0-161.0
Dec 24 weigh in 160.6-157.4
Dec 31 weigh in 157.2-153.8
Jan 7 weigh in 153.8-150.2
Jan 14 weigh in 150.4-146.6
Jan 21 weigh in 147.0-143.0
Jan 28 weigh in 143.6-139.4
February 4 final weigh in 140.2-135.8

The first weight listed is decreasing at 3.4, the second is decreasing at 3.6. Each week the closer i am to the lower number, the better. But the higher number is there to help me not get frustrated with myself, angry, give up, etc. I was hoping for more readers interested in keeping me on track but so far i haven't posted my weight in a few weeks and nobody has commented. It's ultimately my choice but the thought of having to check in and having people knowing what is going on was supposed to help. It's hard to want to exercise when it's hot outside, or you've been at work all day. It's hard to want to eat healthier when it's easier to just get deli food... Just saying....

I know I'll probably hit a plateau at some point before my goal. Maybe several. But my point is to TRY. If I stay stuck too long I might extend my deadline a little. See, there are several reasons for that peculiar date.
- It's right at the start of con seaton for me.
- It's approximately 5 months away (give or take a week) and that seems reasonable.
- It gives me maintenance time before summer (can I get there AND stay there until summer hits?)
- my original goal was my birthday to new years and this is the closest reasonable time period/weight goal ratio now
- Avoidance of major workouts happening in the summer heat.

There are more reasons, but I'm sure you're sick of reading my blog now, lovely reader. Have a good day. I'll be posting my (highly unlikely under 211.5) weight tomorrow.
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04 September 2010


So I'm kind of mad at myself because I was supposed to call and I forgot and now I don't know what I'm going to do really because i may our may not be able to get something done now.

I know, somewhat cryptic.

I'm also frustrated because someone not too long ago accused me of not being able to let anything go. The things that have happened in my life in the last several years are my business, nobody else's. The way I feel about the people I interact with, how I interact with them, and the things i do and don't do with or around them are my choices. You never have and never will walk my life so who are you to point out nonexistant flaws? I don't have to trust someone to forgive them. They are not the same thing. I can forgive the person who wronged me but not trust them. They might be "one and the same" to you but I'm not you. Would you trust someone who stole from you? Probably not, but you could forgive them. Would you trust someone who lied to you? Probably not but also, you could forgive them. Would you trust someone who hurt you in some way, abused you somehow? Probably not, but once again that is someone you could forgive. It's not one and the same.

Trust 1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

Forgive 1. To excuse for a fault or an offense pardon 2. To renounce anger or resentment against.

Last I checked excusing a fault and renouncing anger and resentment doesn't mean that you feel like you can rely on that person's integrity or character. Maybe that's just me. Doubt it though.
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03 September 2010

I'm a radical thinker

I know, totally radical concepts. At my work there are 10 gas pumps. 4 to the left, 4 to the right, and 2 in the middle. We have 12 tall orange cones. 2 hold the free swinging doors of our supply cabinet. You would think the other 10 would be placed as the pumps, 4 to the left, 4 to the right, 2 in the middle. Nope. They are arranged 90% of the time 3 to the left, 3 to the right, 4 in the middle. Does this make sense to you? Because I fail to see the logic or practicality in this cone to pump arrangement. I realize it's a radical thought, but the number of cones in the lane might be better off as the same as the number of pumps in the lane. Call me crazy....

Now inside the kiosk we have a nice squishy pad to stand on and a little movable wooden post holding up the right counter. When the pad is positioned the long way (short end closest to pass through drawer) the little wooden post can be placed at the farthest corner of the counter for maximum stability of our counter. Also when the mat and post are in those positions they don't block the safe door or drop spot. This makes sense to keep it in this position, right? Then why do i come in to find it changed in the morning constantly? The post so far in that ther counter is unstable, the may and post blocking access to to safe door and drop slot. again, i realize this is a radical concept, to do things logically...

Insanity, right? Lol
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