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29 November 2010

Nanowrimo! Success? Or Mirage of Success?

I started in on this thing called National Novel Writing Month a little late in the game but I also was using something I had already started here on my blog. I know that using something you're already working on before november is "bad" but it's what I did. And I thought "i can do this, 1667 words a day is cake!"

I wrote. I began with what I already had and I wrote off of that and I skipped chunks of story and I had no plot and slowly but surely I wrote a story. I had written bits off to the side that had no place yet in my novel but were a part of it. I doubled up on parts of the plot line on accident and didn't fix it. I wrote a horrible first draft that is far from done, STILL!

I was discussing word count with my friend justin last night and he pointed out to me that all those side bits that I hasn't added into my main document count as word count for my story. All those odds and ends, little paragraphs, snippets of dialog, scenes, scenarios, everything I'd written was still word count even if it didn't fit into my plot yet.

So tonight I took heed of that and copied all of it into a new document, the main piece, the odds and ends, all of it, then copied it into my novel update page on the nanowrimo site....

52,081 Words so far

That makes me a winner, but as you can see from reading this, my novel is still far from completion. Not that anyone expected me to write a publishing ready novel in 30 days, but I'm nowhere near a competed first draft even. But I wrote over 50k words in a month.. Lol
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27 November 2010

Way to piss me off?

You want to know the perfect way to piss me off? Hop on messenger after reading my blog posts and wait til I log in to call me a fucking attention whore. Well Fuck you! I post things on my blog for ME! It's not there for you or anyone else. I share with the world because I know some people will read it and maybe someone can relate to my life but I don't do it for a god damn pity party. I'm not an attention whore. Fuck you. Don't read it if you don't like it. I know you fucking read it and don't comment because you know, god forbid somebody actually know you are reading them. All you do is call me names and shit. Why are we friends again...? Oh, but that's a rhetorical question because I blocked you on messenger and you sure as hell won't ager on my blog...
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Is it bad to be cynical?

I don't know anymore whether I'm cynical or just cold. Or if there is really any difference.

To be Cynical is to distrust or disparage (to belittle) the motives of others. To be bitterly distrustful, contemptuous (disapproval tinged with disgust) or pessimistic. To hold a low opinion of humanity and have a strong disbelief in the sincerity of human motives. Pessimistic is even listed as synonymous to cynical.

But I suppose that about sums up how I've related to most people. I distrust them except for a select small amount. I am unsure of what motivates them and distrust their motivations. I hope i don't belittle others but sometimes I really wonder...

I really thought hard about deleting my post from yesterday, not the one about the book, the other one. I read it over and it really hit me hard, it wasn't bad writing it because I was in one of those moos whee I just write and it pours out of my head but reading it after made me feel too exposed. But who rafa my blog anyway really? I have 3 subscribers and a few other readers but I'm sure a lot of views of my blog are me. I finally set my blog to ignore any views from my phone's browser so that should fix that issue...

I decided that to delete such an honest post would defeat the purpose of keeping records of my writing. So it stays.
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Ruined, not Broken

I'm reading a series again, I call it my "vampire smut" because really what else do you call a vampire romance novel? It's called the black dagger brotherhood by j.r. ward and it's romance sorties coupled with fighting and drinking blood and stuff. Anyway in the last book I read just now Phury sayyid his twin, Zsadist, wasn't broken, but ruined, implying he was unable to be changed, fixed, he was living in a state of perpetual damnation thanks to his horrible past until Bella came along and helped him out of this seemingly unending hell.

As is such with a romance novel or any novel really, the happily ever after is a given. Real life doesn't work that way, but it would be amazing of it did. I can relate to Z on so many levels....

bleh.. That's all I got for you all....
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26 November 2010

Never gonna happen....

I tweet, I'm on twitter a lot and I have a moderate amount of followers but it's kind of funny how I feel so distanced from those I would call friends. I tweet a lot more than I update facebook though it used to be the other way around. You can follow me on twitter if you don't already. That's @amazon626

I get such in my head, random thoughts sometimes. That's a problem tonight too, among other things... The thing that really gets me stuck in the endless thought spiral tonight?

Love. Straight up honest pure love.

See I tweeted earlier - I'm female. I'm gentle and powerful. I'm sweet and bitchy. I'm generous and manipulative. I'm solid and mercurial. You know you love us. <3

A friend tweeted a reply saying "/me runs away" and he's a sweet guy who is awesome. I know he was just joking around, not that I'd ever be physically close enough to him for running away to be necessary, but that's beside the point... Anyway, I responded with joking that this is what most do. Joking but it's true. No, not really. The truth is worse than running. The truth is I make a good slut. Yes, you read that right, slut.

Guys either see me as a friend, one of the guys, or an easy fuck along the way to someone they would rather be with. I dare you to deny that honestly. Does any guy even see my heart? See it as something real, worth holding and not crushing? Doubtful...

And besides that, good kind sweet guys, they don't want to date a single mom because they want something different. I might want to get married and have a real family and all that but like the title says....that ain't ever gonna happen. Never. And that's ok because I resigned myself to that fact years ago.

I know some people get so put off by my "negative thinking" but I don't see it that way. Real life isn't like a romance novel where some handsome man finally comes along and we live happily ever after (and of course, always have an orgasm and see stars when making love after going horseback riding on a vast beach....) because real life doesn't do that. Real life is the thing that slaps you around when you dream too big. So I'm not being negative. I'm being realistic.
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20 November 2010

Writing part whatever.. Lol

It had been a long day for clarissa as she sat pretending not to be worried, reading a book in the large recliner in her living room. She had been reading the same book for hours, rereading pages occasionally or simply starting at a particular page for hours as she let Darius and Wren's moods permeate her.

Darius and Wren had been glued to the tv's in the house waiting for the news to come on all day. Finally the reporter on the evening news said, "after the break we have an interview with a woman who says she was attacked by a teenager on the beach."

Darius and Wren shared a look then glared at Clarissa who was curled up in the chair pretending not to notice them. Wren cleared his throat loudly until Clarissa finally looked up at them.


"You know what. What the hell were you thinking?"

"We have been through this. I was hungry. I ate."

"You attacked someone!"

"Wren, you don't have to yell. I'm sure she realizes it was wrong to just attack someone, don't you?"

"Of course I do! I'm not a complete idiot!"

"Right, because a complete idiot would have done what? Killed the girl so she couldn't run then had murder charges on top of everything else?"

"Asshole," she muttered under her breath, then louder she said, "At least they think I'm a teenager. She can't have the best description of me and they will be searching the high school probably."

"You look like a teenager. You better hope nobody realizes it was you!"

"Welcome back to the evening news. When you go for a morning jog you don't think about much more than getting exercise. This morning in the south part of Ecola Park, Jessica Schneider was out for her morning jog and was attacked by a teenager. Jessica, tell us your story."

The blonde woman from the beach was laying in a hospital bed with bruises on her face and neck. "I was out for my normal morning jog and a girl came our from nowhere and tackled me down to the ground. She bit my neck with what felt like fangs. She looked kind of like one of those gothic kids with black hair and pale skin. Then this big guy ran up and pulled her off of me and I ran away back to my cat as fast as I could."

"Thank you, Jessica, for sharing. The police are looking for any information on the girl who attacked her or the man who pulled her off. She is described as a small female age 14-17 with pale skin, curly black hair, and possibly cosmetic fangs. The man is about 6 foot medium built with dooley red hair. Any information should be reported to the Seaside Police Department or the Clatsop County Sheriff's office. In other news-"

Darius shut off the tv and violently threw the remote across the room. It crashed into the wall, breaking into 3 pieces on impact. Wren looked at him strangely and Clarissa pretended to be absorbed in her book again through she had been on page 124 for 20 minutes now.

"He's going to come," Darius said in a hollow tone.

"who is?" Clarissa asked,looking up over the spine of the book.

"My father."

Wren suddenly looked scared. "Why? Why would he come?"

"How many 6' red head live here and might be seen with a girl who might attack a human? A girl with ' cosmetic fangs' seen with the black sheep son of the most powerful warlock in the west coast branch of the family? I think the better question is why wouldn't he come?"

Clarissa ducked down below her book again and started crying silently. She knew this was all her fault and she didn't know a lot about Darius's father other than that he used to beat up on darius because he wasn't like his siblings and that like Clarissa, he had gotten emancipated at 16.

Darius was by her chair before she even realized he had moved and she flinched as he wiped away her tears. "This is not your fault in any way. I don't want to see you crying. I'll protect you when they come after you. You don't have to worry about a thing."

"Not my fault? How is this not my fault? I'm the one who attacked her. I'm the one who turned into a fucking vampire. I'm the one who is going to get you into trouble with that asshole abusive father of yours."

"You told her about him?" Wren spoke up sounding surprised and shocked.

"I told her a little bit about myself. We are friends."

Clarissa slipped past Darius quickly and retreated to her room. She quietly sank down into her desk chair and rested her head in her hands. This was her fault but it didn't mean that it had to be a bad thing, a negative thing.

She resolved to make things better with Darius's family and this situation. She wouldn't attack humans. She Would be on her best behavior until the while thing just blew over.

Darius knocked on her door frame then walked into the room. "Can we talk?"

"Sure, what's going on?"

"I know my father and he is going to do whatever he can to find you so i want you to do something for me. I'd like you to carry this with you."

He held out a small crystal that was softly tinted purple. It was about the size of a pen cap and perfectly shaped with no superficial flaws and Clarissa could feel it pulsing as though it had a life force. At the top was some metal lattice work and it was attached to a delicate looking silver chain.

"What is it?"

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11 November 2010

Writing part.... 6?

I'd always wondered what it would be like to explore the country but I never thought I'd be doing it alone. I guess I always thought that Darius or my cousin Sherry would be with me. The truth was it was downright lonely getting into the car and driving around alone and I found myself commenting on things only to realize after I'd said it I was alone. I thought I was starting to lose it.

It was about 3 weeks after I'd left that I finally found someone and it was after I'd had a dream. A weird child-like stereo voice said, "Who you must seek is not in the legends, but is a legend. You must find a young girl with old woman's hair and pale skin. She is the one you seek and she is in the land of opportunity. California."

I called Darius and said, "do you know of a young girl with old hair and pale skin in california?"


"I'm supposed to look for her, a young girl with old woman hair and pale skin who lives in california. Ask Wren if he's seen her."

"Hey Wren! You have any visions about Clarissa meeting some young girl with old woman hair and pale skin in california?"

I heard a muffled "give me the phone" and an exchanging of hands occurred then in an 'i just woke up' kind of way Wren said, "what's up?"

"I had a dream where a voice told me I'd find a young girl with old woman hair and pale skin in california and she was the one I need to find. Know anything? Cause cali is a pretty big state to be blindly searching through."

"Nope, no clue who she is or where. I'll get back to you if I get any information but I'd just head there blind for now."

"Thanks. Can I talk to D again?"

"yea, one second."

Phone shuffle again. "hey, he help you out?"

"not quite, but he will let me know if he gets anything. For now I'm headed to california blind. Promise me you won't come down south looking for me."

"i shouldn't promise that but i will. I won't come looking for you."

"Thank you."

"I miss you."

"I miss you too. I even try to talk to you sometimes then remember you aren't here."

"heh, I do the same thing except Wren thinks I'm talking to him. Sometimes I get weird looks because I'll say something that's just an inside joke between us."

"heh, he wouldn't get a lot of things that are between us."

"You are driving safe, right? No driving when you are tired or speeding or anything."

"I'm a very safe driver, thank you very much."

"Yea, that's why your driving scares the living daylights out of both me and Wren."

I heard a faint reply from Wren, "Hey, leave me out of this."

Darius chuckled, "Wren objects."

"So I heard. Look, I'm gonna get off the phone and get going. Take care of yourself."

"will do, talk to you later."


I hung up the phone and started the car. Starting at the screen until it went black didn't help me any with knowing where to go so I just figured I'd start in the south and work my way north. Ready or not, California, here I come.
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08 November 2010

In case you read...

My "writing" posts are raw unedited incomplete and out of order posts regarding my nanowrimo project. They are really only being posted because it's the only way I have to get my phone written work to my computer where the whole project is at.

Feel free to read them if you like, comment, etc. Just don't expect them to be in order or always make sense. :-)

Happy Reading
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writing 5

"I love the smell of the salt water, the scent that the ocean gives off. It makes me feel like a kid again."

Darius looked down at me and smiled. "But the ocean here is as different from where you lived as a kid as this whole place is. Different too."

"And now so is my life."

"Growing older makes a difference."

"So does becoming a demon, D. This isn't exactly my idea of the ideal way to spend my life but I guess I'm not really me anymore. I mean, I'm still Clarissa Habbernash, but I'm not clarissa the skinny human whose hair might make her topple over. I'm Clarissa, the immortal demon girl who isn't too skinny anymore but whose boobs and butt now balance out her hair."

I clasped my hands over my mouth as soon as I realized I had said it and blushed furiously. Darius just grinned at me.

"Please forget I said that. Please please please forget I said that," I begged.

"Why? It was cute."

"Because it's super embarrassing. Pre-teens hope for boobs, not 22 year olds. We nr usually long since realized that barring surgery it's not gonna happen."

"It's still cute."

"It's almost sunrise, we should probably head back. Wren might wake up and wonder where we are."
"Even if he does wake up he'll be fine on his own. He knows where he's at and how to do things.

Cape Meares?
Rockaway beach?
Ecola state park?
Gold beach?
north of manzanita?

"They know someone is hiding the little blood sucker and they won't rest until they find our who she is and who is hiding her. If we run now they will know it's us."

"Wren, she can hear you."

"I don't care if she can hear me. I hope she can. It's all her fault we are in this mess and you walk around looking all high and mighty and authoritative but the reality is you can't and won't be able to protect her from our entire family. If either of us leave they will hunt us down knowing she is here. They will discover we are demons. We will all die."

"there are other options, other resources."

"Don't fool yourself, D, we knew we were going to get caught and the only way to avoid it is for her to leave."

"You seem to forget that you are the one who turned her, not me. She didn't know what was going on and neither did I when you turned me. Maybe you should have just let me die. And her. And lived your sad lonely demon immortal life."

"You think you would rather have died? Then go see if they accept her. Go see the family. Take her with you. They will kill you both and feel no remorse. You were there today and know it's true or you would have spoken up."

I heard a door slam and knew Darius had gone out the door in a fit of rage. Wren who was also quite angry stormed out the back door and I was left alone in my house again. I couldn't understand why Darius was arguing with the logic of what Wren was saying. I could see it plain as day and though i dreaded being alone I knew what I had to do.

I had to leave until things calmed down. I could come back when things were cleared up here but until then I was endangering Darius's and Wren's lives. They had saved my life and it was only fair that i didn't risk theirs.

I rose from my desk where i had been starting at "Dear Grandma" for their whole argument and while they were out and angry I gathered all the spare blankets and pillows. I also went into the attic and pulled down the luggage. I had money but I wasn't going to go around flaunting it. I had to take what I owned because i wanted to look like a girl on a trip, nour someone running from the law. So I started packing.

Wren returned before Darius and knocked on my door. I was done packing most of my things and had attached the bags our if sight so I wasn't worried when I called for him to enter as I was back seated at my desk putting the finishing touches on a letter.

"Hey," he said, looking awkward in my doorway.

"Hi, how's it going?"

"Ah, same old, same old. Look, um, about earlier, I, you know, didn't mean anything by it really. Nothing personal anyway." He shuffled his feet and stared at the expanse of white painted wall to the right of my head.

"You mean your argument with D?"

"uh, yea," he said in a low voice, shifting his gaze to his feet.

"Don't even worry about it. I get the logic. You guys are in danger of being discovered as my creator and being demons yourselves because I attacked a few people. I might learn to control my impulses but for now I'm a danger to you."

He looked up at me, "D doesn't get it so clearly. You might not know it to look at the guy but he's a softie at heart. He's also one of the best friends you'll ever have. He's stuck his neck out on the line for me so many times that when he had his accident I couldn't let it go like that. I had to do what I did. He's been there for me through thick and thin and i had to finally make it up to him by saving him."

"What kind of accident was it?"

"He was out hiking by himself on some trails when we were camping. He hasn't come back yet or checked in for 2 hours which was unlike him so I did a locator spell. When we camp we always have all our stuff with us to do basic things. His life force felt weak and I ran to where he was. Attacked by an animal or something and was almost dead. Would have died if I hadn't helped him out. When he came to he couldn't remember anything that had happened since he'd left on his hike."
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06 November 2010

Writing 4

This is not in any particular way a direct continuance of my lay writing post so if it doesn't make sense how it's arrived at this point in the story that's ok. It'll all make sense when I'm done writing. I'm using this for nanowrimo this year :-)

"I'm not hungry anymore," I quietly whispered to Darius, "It's been 2 hours since my last dose so I think it's safe to say I need to," I paused and swallowed hard, reminded of the cartoons we'd been watching, you know how they gulp and pull at the neckline of their shirt, "take the last potion and sleep."

Darius looked down at me. I could feel his worry through his presence but his voice was steady as a rock. "You'll probably be more comfortable waking up at your place so we set aside all the stuff we'll need to do the entire transformation in a bag. We just need to go wake up Wren again."

"He's not gonna be happy about that."

"Yea, he's like a cat, sleeps way too much. But if it's time then it's time. He'll just have to deal with it. He can sleep when you sleep."

Darius left the room to go get Wren and left me watching cartoons. I'd had 12 doses of their brew approximately every 10-20 minutes which was really worrying D. He thought it might mean something different and didn't like it. But there was no turning back now which was why the whole thing was forbidden I suppose.

We all got into Darius's car and drive back to my place where they set up my bedroom with crystals and candles.

"This might not taste very good but it'll taste better then your last dose of brew did," Wren said, offering me a small cup of deep red liquid.

"Once you drink this you need to go lay down immediately. We'll take care of the rest." Darius pulled me to him and hugged me tight then backed up.

"Ok, bottoms up? Cheers? Um.... I'm just going to drink this now." I gulped down the contents of the glass which oddly tasted like salty copper. Not good but not totally awful either. I instantly started to feel woozy and made my way down the hallway to my bedroom slowly and carefully.

I laid down on the soft bed careful not to disturb any of the crystals and stared up at the ceiling. I could feel Darius and Wren walking down the hallway towards my room and I could also feel their anxiety mounting.

They entered the room wearing dark hooded robes and lit the candles they had placed in the 4 directions. Then they placed their hands palms down over my body and began chanting in a strange and unfamiliar language with an odd cadence.

As if they had willed it, though I knew it was the last potion i had drank, my eyelids grew heavy. I turned my gaze to Darius's eyes and felt a rush of emotions that I couldn't distinguish from one another passing through him. The more I tried to identify them the more complex and entangled they seemed to become. Or that may have been the tiredness. Then the sleep overtook me.

Strangely, Darius and Wren's presences faded and I briefly felt overwhelmingly alone. Then what felt like a thousand presences and somehow yet only one, encapsulated me. Instead of feeling claustrophobic I felt warm and comforted by the pressure of this entity.

Child-like voices surrounded me chattering, indistinguishable from one another until as one they seemed to recite something. No, not as one, more that there was a singular voice and the others slightly trailed behind as though they were trying to be in unison but not quite successful. Like an echo in a large hall.

"When you awaken from this dream, little one, you shall be of the immortals. With your death, we give you life. Your senses, we enhance. You're a superior being. We see your heart is pure and untainted and that you knew not what would become of you in the beginning. You must embrace your fate. Your friends are arrogant and we apologize but though we will bestow many gifts upon you we must also curse you. They have arrogantly thought to defy fate and in doing so have created their undoing.

"They do not fear what your fate may be needlessly. Forget what you think you know of those who dwell in darkness and feed upon the blood of humans. Those myths and fairytales know little of the truth. As do your friends.

"Your acute vision will require the darkest protection in sunlight. A whisper half a mile away will sound like it was whispered into your ear. all of your senses will be enhanced as this including your 6th, your psychic abilities which until now lay dormant. You have an extraordinary ability to perceive other's energies and emotions. You always have and now it is enhanced.

"You will drink human blood and while this will be vital to your existence, it is not necessary every day, nor is it your solitary form of sustenence. You may learn not to kill, drink without killing. You shall not be forced to stay indoors during daylight hours. You are not required to sleep.

"Very little can hurt you, including garlic, wood, crosses, holy water, and silver. Those are human myths used to placate themselves into thinking they have some kind of safety. The myth of being sired stems from the process of demonification.
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03 November 2010

Writing part 3

Part 1 is under august
Part 2 is in september


"Yes, traits are the only reason it's ok for me to give you the brew. If you weren't positive it would just kill you."

I watched him as he slowly sipped the water, then I turned away toads the living room and stared at the tv. The grey screen was familiar but this new red screen was just a reminder of everything that had changed. I squeezed my eyes shut and slowly counted to 5 before opening them but nothing changed.

"It's not that bad is it?"

I turned towards him and managed to mumble out some sort of apology before leaving the room. I couldn't deal with this and my stomach was grumbling at me and I just wanted to go to sleep. I stumbled down the hallway and through the doorway to the bathroom, pausing to look in the mirror. It was like the lights had finally been turned on and I could see clearly how bad out had been because suddenly I saw the old me. My eyes were bright and there were no bags under them. My cheeks didn't look like skin stretched over the bone anymore and I actually had defined arm muscles again. Instead of hanging loosely off my boney shoulders and hips, my clothes almost fit.

And I had boobs again! I'd been losing weight so rapidly I had given up all hope of ever having enough there to bother with a bra again. I grinned at myself in the mirror and instantly panicked. My heart raced fast and it took me a moment to realize that I had scared myself somehow. I stumbled away from the mirror and into the bedroom.
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02 November 2010


I wrote a blog for halloween. A long blog. And then it wouldn't post. And then it wouldn't show up anymore. Stupid blog..
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