My Weight Loss Tracker

15 September 2012

My son's hair is purple and I'm socially awkward

I've decided that the ever so public forum of Facebook and also my blog are the perfect locations to say things that I feel a necessity to say. I've our a decent amount if time into writing this and wording it right and making sure everything was here I meant to put her so hopefully it doesn't come across poorly and nothing is missing. :-)

In my oh so long (haha) 25 years of life I've learned that it is pointless to waste your life trying to be someone you're not. I figured out a long time ago that i'm never going to fit into a neat little "normal" box and that's ok because quite frankly I don't want to. I have always been and always will continue to be the girl who marches to the beat of a different drum and dances to the song suck in her head. I'm a different breed of awesome and that's ok. I like it this way.

So I've seen all the looks people can give and hard all the things they can possibly say. So what if people like to talk? Let them. Heck, give them something to talk about. And who cares if they stare? Let them. Give them a show. Because the reality is that people are going to find fault where they think they can and they are going to react to things in their own way based on their own perceptions of normalcy. That's only to be expected.everyone has their own opinion of people and there is always going to be judgment in the world.

I hold my head high and stand tall and I like to think I know when to bite my tongue and when to speak up. I'm probably wrong some of the time but nobody is perfect. I have my opinions too. I'm not exempt or worthy of sainthood but my opinions are sometimes a little more vague.

As an example, I am of the opinion that if someone is embarrassed to go out in public with another person because of any reason pertaining to their personality or appearance then that is really their personal problem and not the fault of the allegedly embarrassing thing in question. This opinion of mine has been brought into light because I guess I never realized that this could apply to a toddler. I didn't realize that a toddler's appearance could be cause for embarrassment for someone. I guess I was wrong.

I don't really care for the most part what people think of me or the things that I do so it never really dawned on me to think that one simple thing could cause such a dramatic and divided reaction.

If you haven't seen it yet, my son's hair is purple. He asked me to do it and if you ask him if he likes it he tells you yes. If he didn't like it then it would be gone in a heartbeat. I'm not some cruel person who would make their kid suffer through something they hated unread it was absolutely necessary so as long as he's happy I don't see the huge deal here. But due to it i'm getting everything from "that's so awesome" to "that's not ok" and everything i'm between and beyond.

I didn't realize that having a little fun could cause such a massive controversy. I didn't realize that the comfort levels of the other adults in his life were somehow going to be breached by such a minor, in my opinion, disruption of normalcy in a long span of childhood which he us going to have. My mistake I suppose.

I was even told that I wasn't acting like an adult when I didn't say no to him when he asked me to color his hair. I don't know how to respond to that one. I don't think "acting like an adult" is a 100% properly defined phrase acceptable for use in a situation like that. If acting like an adult means I have to confirm to someone else's rigid set guidelines to adulthood I can very nearly say that I'm never going to fit into that box. Until the day I die and possibly even after, I get to pick my box to fit into.

But hey, at least I figured out a way to defer the topic of debate away from "omg you dyed your hair while you were pregnant" to "omg you dyed your toddler's hair purple" :-p

22 May 2012

Stupid dshs....

Dshs says I make too much for them to give me food stamps or money benefits now.

But according to this website...

If I was working 40 hours a week at my wages I would be making 46% of the median income for a family size of 1 person. (not my family size, I'm a family of 2) I do not work 40 hours a week. At 32 hours per week average I would make 33% the average of a family of 2.

If I was working full time hours (40) at my current wages, which mind you are journeyman level, highest before manager positions, I would still only be making 41% of the median income for a family of 2. I'm not even making HALF of the average income. Half is what 1 adult should be pulling in, right? I'm not. But according to dshs I make too much for assistance.

Logic? None.

27 April 2012


Coffee, bagel, reduced fat cream cheese

Yogurt, half turkey wrap, bag of green beans

Don't want to eat. Picking at lunch more than eating. Did not want lunch.

Edit. Not all of yogurt. Not all of green beans. Ran out of time.

11 March 2012


I'm getting really sick and tired of hating myself. I can't look in the mirror anymore. I can't look at certain individual body parts. I hate it. But I feel like it isn't going to go away til i'm not an ugly disgusting fat cow anymore. Great picture of self.... -.-

09 February 2012

all my steps so far...

Since I haven't posted in a few days, I decided to post all my recorded steps so far...

Week 1
January 24 - 7750
January 25 - 14797
January 26 - 18708
January 27 - 12092
January 28 - 12346
Week 1 Total - 65,693

Week 2
January 29 - 11716
January 30 - 6032
January 31 - 6942
February 1 - 20492
February 2 - 23345
February 3 - 6879
February 4 - 6268
Week 2 Total - 81674
Cumulative Total - 147367

Week 3
February 5 - 8572
February 6 - 8346
February 7 - 12462
February 8 - 7286

06 February 2012

Steps and training and tax returns (oh my)

Guess who got her tax return!!! *does a little dance* Not that I'm doing anything with it at the immediate moment other than thinking but YAY!!!

That aside... Yesterday I did 8572 steps.

After work I went to a local middle school and jogged/walked on their track for 3 laps, I know that's only 3/4 of a mile, but I was pushing Alex in his stroller while I was doing it, and I was talking to my boyfriend on my phone trying to console (I guess?) him that I wasn't going to get attacked or raped or murdered while using the middle school track, and that even if I was I had a box cutter in my pocket....

After I got home I just didn't have the energy to do anything really, so I didn't do the strength training which by the way is....
Circuit 1
Pushups, Jumprope, squat, v-sit, supermans, chair dips, lunges, stair run, glute bridge, bicycle.
Circuit 2
diamond pushup, double leg hop (over a line), reverse lunge, straight leg flutters, side crunch, stair run with hands, side lunge, run in place, spiders, side crunch
Circuit 3
feet on chair with pushups, stair run, lunge jumps, wipers, chair step-ups, jump rope, 45 lunge, burpee, glute bridge, russian twist

And it says to do 2-3 of the circuits a week (oops, I guess I missed that part when I was writing my schedule out? I have 4 each week) for the first week 20 seconds per exercise with 30 second resting and starting week 2, 30 seconds exercise 30 seconds resting. it says as you get in shape at your own pace to raise the exercise time and lower the resting time such as 45 seconds exercising and 15 seconds resting. Oh, here's where I got 4 from, it says that beginning in week 4 you should raise the times you go through circuits to 3-4 times a week.

There are also 3 Gym Circuits, but since I don't have machines or a gym membership I am just not adding those to my training. It might limit me or it might not, I don't know. This is also the reason why instead of doing 30 minutes cycling or on an eliptical like it says on the cardio, I simply put other things on those days, like doing a 45 minute walk or jog/walk a mile. I also gave myself workouts on sundays even though it isn't even on the chart at all.

So I'm adding the strength training onto today's. And I'm also doing squats, pushups, and crunches every morning right after wake up and get alex up and before we start getting ready for the day anyway (only 20 of each and the pushups are "girl" ones for now) I've been doing those for a while now.

05 February 2012

Steps, Plans, Etc...

Today's Steps - 6268

Why does everyone have to sound so surprised when I say that I want to Warrior Dash? Because I don't seem like the type? Because I'm a girl? Because I'm a geek? Because I'm fat? Why? I can't seem to figure out why people think it's so unlike me to do something like this. I like it. I think it will be fun. I appreciate the feeling of working towards a goal. I appreciate the skills I may acquire during the challenge itself as well as during the training. I don't mind the mud. I don't mind getting dirty and wet.

And either way, even if I wind up walking through the entire thing or half of it or any of it as long as I keep going and don't quit and get through all the obstacles and I will have finished and accomplished something and I'll have a medal and a furry viking hat to show for it. And when it's my choice I actually do enjoy jogging and lifting weights and exercising. It's just a pain to get going but once I get going it's easy to keep going. It's the motivation to do it from within myself that has to start getting the ball rolling, or else it just doesn't work for me.

Yes, as I said before my left knee screams at me after a while but maybe that will get better as I train? Or maybe I need to get one of those knee brace things. It's the one I hurt a while back skateboarding, but I've always had issues with my knees since I was a kid. My dr always said it was "growing pains" but I'm sorry, if it was "growing pains" I wouldn't still be having them at 24, almost 25, would I?

And anyway, besides people looking at me like "really?" when I say I'm doing this, I do still have people who are being unbelievably supportive of my doing this. And the ones who are shocked when I say it only solidify my "I'm gonna do this!!!" attitude towards it. I want to prove to myself and to every single other person, supportive or shocked, that I CAN and WILL do this! I can train and work hard and achieve something awesome and amazing. Their website even says that it's more about mental toughness than being amazingly physically fit, and post training I should be in much better shape than I currently am.

I remember one time when I was younger that my brother told me to do 10 pushups. I don't remember why. I just remember him telling me to do 10 pushups. I got back up and immediately he told me to do 10 more. So I kind of complained but did it. I don't know why I did it. But anyway, this repeated over and over until finally one time I got back up expecting him to tell me to do more, but instead he just told me "You just did 100 pushups" and I remember being bewildered. I didn't know I could do 100 pushups, I wasn't sure how he had known I did 100, I wasn't counting but obviously he was. I guess I bring this up because I don't even know how much I can really do until I do it, just like most people. If you do 10 pushups 10 times you've done 100 pushups. How much easier is it to think of doing 10 pushups? So think of it like that. Do 10 pushups then rest for 30 seconds. Do 10 crunches then rest for 30 seconds. Start over. Repeat until you've done 100 of each and it really isn't nearly as difficult as just setting out to do 100 pushups at once. And you work at it and work at in and then suddenly, wow, you're doing 20 pushups instead of 10 at a time. You see what I'm getting at?

I've been working on my training schedule for a fair hunk of time now, but I'm not entirely set in stone yet about a few of the details. On the Warrior Dash website they have a 12 week training course for 3 different Warrior types in strength and cardio. Those are the Virgin, the Casual, and the Ultimate Warrior. I have loosely planned my training schedule using those schedules. So the thing I'm not 100% on is that I'm not sure if I just want to do the one in September now. I have been thinking that there is really plenty of time to train and even possibly do both events.

The first event is in North Bend on July 21 & 22. It's 3.55 miles long and includes 12 obstacles.
Satan's Steps, Giant Cliffhanger, Horizontal Hike, Chaotic Crossover, The Trenches, Road Rage, Vertical Limit, Great Warrior Wall, Hard Rain, Cargo Climb, Warrior Roast, and Muddy Mayhem.

The second event is in Bonney Lake on September 22. It's 3.15 miles long and also includes 12 obstacles.
Barricade Breakdown, Giant Cliffhanger, Road Rage, Great Warrior Wall, Vertical Limit, Storming Normandy, Hard Rain, Tipsy Tightrope, Petrifying Plunge, Cargo Climb, Warrior Roast, and Muddy Mayhem.

My original plan was simply to do the second one, but measuring out the weeks, I would have 24 weeks to train for the first event, then another 9 weeks to train for the second. By beginning my training February 5 I have 33 weeks of training to plan out. I'm actually really excited about this. I gotta tell you guys, it's really something I'm looking forward to doing. The only reasons why it's taken me this long to post my training schedule is because I was looking up what certain exercises actually were like a "burpee" and a "superman" and a "russian twist" and I was trying to figure out if I really want to just do the 1 or if I want to try to do both of them. I'm still not really sure, but I guess I need to figure it all out pretty soon.

Anyway, I'm just going to post my first 2 weeks of training schedule for right now. If you are wondering what I mean by the strength training, I'll type that up later on and post that, or you can look at the Warrior Dash Training stuff on their website.

Week 1 February 5-11

Sunday, February 5
1 Mile Jog/Walk - Circuit 1 Home Virgin Warrior Strength 30/30
Monday, February 6
1 Mile Jog/Walk
Tuesday, February 7
Rest Day
Wednesday, February 8
45 Min Walk - Circuit 2 Home Virgin Warrior Strength 30/30
Thursday, February 9
45 Min Walk - Circuit 1 Home Virgin Warrior Strength 30/30
Friday, February 10
Rest Day
Saturday, February 11
1 Mile Jog/Walk - Circuit 3 Home Virgin Warrior Strength 30/30

Week 2 February 12-18

Sunday, February 12
45 Min Walk - Circuit 2 Home Virgin Warrior Strength 30/30
Monday, February 13
1.5 Mile Jog/Walk
Tuesday, February 14
Rest Day
Wednesday, February 15
1 Mile Jog/Walk - Circuit 1 Home Virgin Warrior Strength 30/30
Thursday, February 16
45 Min Walk - Circuit 3 Home Virgin Warrior Strength 30/30
Friday, February 17
Rest Day
Saturday, February 18
1 Mile Jog - Circuit 2 Home Virgin Warrior Strength 30/30

More to come later....

04 February 2012

More Steps

Today's Steps - 6879

Yes, I was lazy today, but my knee is hurting and I decided I needed 2 days off before I start training on Sunday, and what is my training schedule going to look like? Well I'll let you all know VERY soon :)

03 February 2012

Steps, more steps...

Steps today - 23345
14243 of which were done between 2p-11:30p

That is all....

02 February 2012

Steps, yesterday and today...

So yesterday I forgot to post my steps...
6942 Steps

I know it's not a lot, but I went to the middle school track and jogged/walked 1 1/2 miles with alex in his stroller (not a jogging stroller) which was... only kinda awkward.... which is where most of those steps came from, and I just didn't feel like doing more than that.

20492 Steps Today!!!
That's a lot of steps, and almost half of them I did literally walking in place (back and forth really) and dancing around and singing to alex and I didn't even realize I was over 20k... Although right now my knees are kind of... letting me know it's definately time to sit down.... And why is it ALWAYS my knees that do it??? It's always been that way, whether I weighed 140 or 240, it's always my knees....

01 February 2012

February's Measurements

So if you remember last month I said that I was going to measure myself at the beginning of each month. If you don't here's a reminder. So in continuance of that I measured myself again tonight, it is technically the first of february, it's after midnight.

February 1, 2012
Age - 24
Height - 61.5" (5 feet 1 and a half inches)
Weight - 197.6 (January 28, 2012) +3.6
Neck - 15.25"
Upper Arm - 15"(L) 14.5"(R) -0.5"
Forearm - 10"(L) -0.5" 10.5"(R)
Wrist - 6.25"(L) -0.25" 6.25"(R) -0.25"
Bust - 44" -1"
Chest - 37" -1"
Waist - 34" -1"
Hips - 44" -1"
Thigh - 24.25"(L) -0.75" 23.5"(R) -0.5"
Calf - 17"(L) 16"(R)
Ankle - 8.5"(L) -2" 8.5"(R) -1"
Foot - 9"(L) 9"(R)

So what does that mean? Well... It means that Somehow even though I gained 3.6lbs I still lost a total combined amount of 9.75" from all my measured spots (which granted is a lot of measured spots)

31 January 2012

Wimpy Steps

Today I did 6032 steps

Why did I do so few? Well, mostly because I spent most of my day sitting and reading, then sitting at the movies, and now I'm sitting in front of my computer. About half of those steps I did while out and about going to the mailbox and paying a few bills and going to the movies, we saw Puss in Boots 3D at the starplex in federal way (aka the cheap theater)... fyi it's $1 on tuesdays for a regular movie, $3 for 3D and every other day of the week it's $2 and $4 respectively...

30 January 2012

Gonna do this!! WARRIOR DASH!!!

So in case anyone missed it, I'm totally interested in doing this really awesome looking 5k from hell called WARRIOR DASH!!!!! I'm about..... 200% positive I want to do it, which just means I need to register which I'm really just waiting for my tax return to do that, and keep up with what I'm already doing which is... EXERCISE!!!! TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN!!!!

I've been walking around (which I already did) with a pedometer (which I just recently got for $5 from walmart) and I've been doing (girl) pushups (I know, I know, pathetic, but I'll get better and do regular ones soon) and crunches and squats and various other activities trying to just shed some extra weight, but in case you guys also didn't know, I've been planning on training to do a marathon too. Which all just plays into training for this thing too. And I know it isn't going to be easy, but what would be the challenge in things if it were easy? What would be the reward? Nothing!

So in doing this event, I'm also seriously considering being a St. Jude Warrior (click the area in the side bar) which means that I would be raising money for St. Jude Children's Research Hospital while doing this event. I mean, really, why wouldn't you want to help them out and support them? They are an amazing place! They don't turn away patients whose families can't pay. They treat cancer and other catastrophic diseases that kids get. They do research on treatment options for these children. Really, what's not to like??

I found out today at work from one of my coworkers that Fred Meyer sets aside a certain amount of money every year to donate to things so I'm actually going to talk to our HR rep and see if as a company Fred Meyer might be interested in donating to St. Jude's when I've finally signed up, and there is also the opportunity to volunteer as an organization so maybe the "Fred Meyer Volunteers" thing might be something people who don't want to participate in the dash itself could be a part of? I don't know if that helps out St. Jude, but I would think it might?

Some videos of Warrior Dash :)
Warrior Dash 2011 Florida
Warrior Dash 2012 Florida (Full Race)

And if anyone has any thoughts and opinions as to an awesome outfit I could wear, be my guest in suggesting it. They vote on the best outfit!!!

Just Steps

11716 Steps Today

28 January 2012

Recording my steps

I'm being lazy and just telling you that I didn't really do any extra steps today, I don't plan on making any more effort than I already have done, and I did.....

12092 steps today

27 January 2012

Even More Steps!

I took off the pedometer just a few minutes ago finishing up at 18,708 steps. I did a lot of those while I was at work, over 14,000 steps today at work. I put down eximo on half the concrete pad today so that's where most of it came from, I'm sure.

26 January 2012

More Steppin'

14797 steps today...
I took about half of those at work and the rest all after work. I'm pretty happy with that. I'm still happy with yesterday mostly because it proved that without any extra effort, I walk more than 2-3k steps which is considered "sedentary" life.

That being said, I'm a little ticked off because everyone seems to think that I apparently do NOTHING at work. They seem to think I don't walk around. They seem to think I don't do anything but sit in my little box. I move. I clean the pumps. I sweep. I help customers. I collect the garbage. I stock things. I actually move quite a bit, as proven by my messing around with this pedometer and testing it's accuracy last night and as proven by the fact that I walked over 5000 steps between leaving the house yesterday, working, and coming home yesterday alone. And then today I walked over 7000 steps from the time I left home til getting upstairs into the locker room after I clocked off. And when I was looking at my pedometer I said something to one of my coworkers who was in the locker room too and she said "how in the world did you walk that much out at the fuel center?" in this totally incredulous tone that just reiterates that my coworkers seem to think I don't do ANYTHING!!! And the funny thing is that it REALLY isn't that hard to walk 7000 steps. I can do about 6500 on wii fit free step 30 minute twice in a row. (aka doing free step for 30 minutes 2 times = 60 minutes total)

So why people think that 7000 steps in an 8 hour shift where I'm NOT sitting at a desk in an office or something is difficult or insane or anything.. I'm pretty sure if they got their own pedometer they would be surprised by how much they walk at work... I was actually a little surprised when mine said I walked 5000+ steps yesterday, let alone today when it said I was over 7000 steps. But really that's not that much now that I think about it. considering that I had an hour lunch we can exclude that hour from activity, but I just said that I can walk 6500 steps in an hour on wii fit, and I'm saying I walk about 1000 steps an hour at work. That really isn't a ton of walking. But when they are recommending 10k steps per day for weight loss I'm sitting here thinking now... why is it so low???

I've already walked 14,797 steps today alone, and about half of that was while I was just watching An American Tail Fievel Goes West... which is apparently an hour and 16 minutes long. 10,000 steps seems really minuscule now, actually.

25 January 2012

Today's Steps

So I got a pedometer from walmart for $5 and I used it for the first time today. I was very careful not to do any more walking than I normally would do at work in the first place just to see how that turned out and I was actually surprised by how much I walked at work. I put the pedometer on about the time I was headed out the door for work, and I looked at it after I got through the door back home and I had gone just over 5000 steps, so then I messed around testing how accurately it was recording my steps by just walking up and down the hallway in my apartment. It's more accurate when I'm actually walking forward than when I'm just stepping in place. When I was just stepping in place my counting my own steps was usually about 15 steps higher than the pedometer was reading. I just took it off and It's sitting at 7750 steps. I think that's an ok total for the day, considering I didn't put it on til I left for work, I was awake about 3 hours before I put it on, and it didn't record all the steps I was taking when I was basically marching in place, so I probably took closer to 8000 steps, but I'll stick with 7750 since that's what it says :)

21 January 2012

The Challenge....

So I posted this whole thing below on the forum too, but I feel like I really should blog about this whole thing too. I am totally all for everyone being as healthy as they can possibly be, but that isn't going to happen overnight and things aren't going to change in the world overnight and people aren't going to stop eating junk food probably ever because they actually think it tastes good (and so do I most days but I also can't stand the calories and the fat and the sugar and everything else that goes along with the junk food) and the fact is we're a load of people who have innumerable diet issues. Whether we're eating next to nothing and anorexic, puking back up what we eat and bulemic, over-eating whether intentionally or unintentionally, exercising or fasting or trying out the lastest fad diet trend, most people have eating issues or nutrition intake issues or something of the like but it's just common place for some of those things to be more "ok" than others.

And basically if you've been following my blog at all you have probably picked up that I'm super focused on specific numbers. Numbers are my thing, but math and weight and calories don't always add up because things like metabolic rates are different for different people and sometimes calculations aren't 100% precise so to counterbalance this, I tend to over-estimate values of foods, amounts I've eaten, and various other things that I do I underestimate how much of things I've done like say I go to 5 different websites that say you burn x calories doing this activity and they all vary, I'll take the lowest one, subtract about 5 or so calories, and that's what I'll take, even though I'm a bigger person so I burn more calories than someone else who weighs 50 lbs less than me doing the exact same thing.

And another thing I would like to bring up, I keep editing this blog post, this is an edited and added in paragraph... I've been like.. afraid of the scale since 2 weeks ago when I stepped on it and I gained 2.2 lbs, but finally today I just said screw it and pulled it down and weighed myself and I'm at 199.6 lbs today. That means I'm less than half a pound away from 200, that means if I drank a bottle of water and stepped on the scale I'd probably be over 200. granting that would quite literally be water weight that I'd just go and pee out but seriously??? WTF??? I've been shoveling snow and pulling heavy ass pallets at work and slipping and sliding all over in the icy wet slush and I'm sore as a motherfucker and I'm pretty sure that I've worked every muscle in my entire friggin body and I'm achey and sore and my arms and my back and my shoulders and my legs are just screaming at me, and I've GAINED 3 MORE POUNDS????? I'm fucking pissed off at myself now too...

also on the forum I posted this last night...

"I've been weighing myself every friday/saturday/sunday just to be like "Ha! I can control weighing myself so I don't do it every day!!!" but I didn't weigh myself last weekend, and I didn't today either (granted I still have tomorrow and sunday to go) but it isn't because of some major feat of powerful strength against the scale and the number on it's grip on me... but out of fear....

See, I gained 2.2 lbs the weekend before last, and then I was kind of... "pigging out" on fast food (aka eating fast food after I get off work because I'm too lazy to come home and cook, not a ton of it but enough that I was probably eating about 1000 cal dinners) all the last 2 weeks so I'm still like... scared to step on the scale. I'm pretty sure the reason it was a little bit higher actually is because I started my period like... wed. after I weighed myself on friday. I always seem to go up a little bit before my period hits, not really sure why since I never feel bloated or anything. But... I'm scared of the scale now. I don't think that's any healthier than like.. religiously weighing myself every weekend... "I bow down to the power of the scale...." WTF!?!?!?!?

I also wanted to start running again, I want to try to start training for a marathon eventually, I know I probably won't do one for a while, but I want to do one. Anyway, I wanted to start running again and tonight seemed like a good night, I don't have my son tonight, I just got off of work, only I live in an area that is recovering from a severe winter storm, I drove past every school in the area on my way home that had a track and they were all just.. covered in snow, and I half was like "fuck that, I'm gonna do it anyway!" but then I pictured myself slipping and like.. breaking my ankle or something and being unable to work and being unable to provide for my son and getting kicked out of my apartment all stemming from me trying to force myself to exercise on snow/ice which is just idiotic, so I got jack in the box (stupid stupid stupid) and came home."

And then after weighing myself this morning on the same thread I posted....

"oh ffs can I go back to NOT conquering my fear of the scale??? I've gained 3 lbs since I weighed myself 2 weeks ago and I'm .4 lbs away from going over 200 again :'( I CANNOT GO OVER 200 AGAIN!!!! I WOULD RATHER ---DIE--- THAN BE ---THAT--- FAT AGAIN!!!

I was hoping that maybe all my shoveling snow and hauling heavy ass pallets and walking and slipping and etc. the last several days at work and my whole fucking body is just sore as a motherfucker would somehow balance out the fucking disgusting fatty nasty fast food binging but apparently not and I'm a fucking fat ass piece of shit still and I'm not losing anything, I'm just gaining and gaining and gaining and this is soooooooooo making me want to fucking restrict but I know I shouldn't. I fucking hate myself"

Obviosuly I'm being a little bit over-dramatic and I wouldn't literally rather die than be over 200 lbs again, but quite frankly it's really upsetting.... And I haven't been eating fast food every night, just.. enough nights that apparently it made a pretty decent dent in the amount of gain... And I didn't spend a ton on money on it, I bought off the dollar/value/why-pay-more menu's for the most part...

So anyway, what I posted on the forum about this challenge was....

Every year at the start of the year at my work they seem to have this "Healthy" challenge for associates and their family members, this year it's only open to associates. Last year all you had to do was log on and pledge to lose or maintain your current weight and they would donate a certain amount to "feeding america" and you could write some inspirational statement about how pledging to lose weight and actually getting healthier has made your life better and the grand prize was a trip to go to the live taping of the biggest loser. (a tv show, if you've never heard of it, fat contestants go on there and learn to make healthy food choices and work their asses off trying to lose weight and in the end the person who lost the most weight wins as the biggest loser)

Last year was fantastic, all I had to do was go online and say "I'm going to try to lose x amount this year" and in spite of my best intentions I really didn't lose much weight over the last year. But that is beside the point...

This year is the "I can do that" associate challenge in which we are being challenged to walk a certain number of steps every day. They even have this thing on the website that says "Enter the goal number of steps you plan to take during the entire 10 week challenge below. The CDC recommends 10,000 steps per day for weight loss. That would calculate to 70,000 steps per week x 10 weeks = 700,000 total steps! If you feel 700,000 steps are too much, or you’re not trying to lose weight, feel free to enter a goal you are comfortable with."

It also says on that same page that 120 steps is 100 yards, 1057 steps is half a mile, 2115 steps is a mile, 6562 steps is 5k and 13123 steps is 10k, and I calculated out they based this off of the "average" 2.5 feet step. I have a step of about 1.5 feet, so obviously it takes me more steps to walk the same distance, but I'm short.

Anyway, either way all of this just playing into how my entire life is just a numbers game, and not necessarily in a good way. I keep reading up on how walking is so beneficial to your health and the average sedentary lifestyle gets about 2-3k steps in per day, and they are basically saying that if you normally get about 2-3k steps in per day you can increase your steps by taking the stairs instead of the elevator, getting off 1 bus stop early and walking the rest of the way, walking on your breaks at work, going for about a 45 minute walk at a 4mph pace, etc. and all of that will easily give you 10k per day. If you are doing about 2-3000 already, walking 3 miles every day in 45 minute walk gives you another 6000, so that alone gives you 8-9000, if you change that to an hour long walk at 4mph pace (that's a 15 minute mile, not excessively fast walking) then there's your 10 or even 11k steps for your day. And if you already are one of those people who walks around more than 3000 steps per day wall maybe you walked a 10k that day which apparently is 13,123 steps at a 2.5 (30 inches) foot step (about 76 cm for those of you who wondered... and my average stride is about 46cm or 18 inches)

I mean, I'm already doing the math in my head calculating it all out....
if 120 2.5 feet steps is 100 yards (a football field) than 200 1.5 feet steps is 100 yards
if 1057 2.5 feet steps is half a mile than 1762 1.5 feet steps is a half a mile
if 2115 2.5 feet steps is a mile than 3524 1.5 feet steps is a mile
if 6562 2.5 feet steps is 5k than 10937 1.5 feet steps is 5k
if 13123 2.5 feet steps is 10k than 21874 1.5 feet steps is 10k

So either I need to adopt a longer stride or I'm walking that much more to go the same distance, but I think if I'm walking that much more to go the same distance than I'm losing more weight than someone who is taking less steps to go that far, right? In theory.... But all of this is just creating more and more of a numbers game with me, numbers, numbers, numbers.....

And the problem is, while I don't know what the prizes are in the first place and maybe I really don't care that much for them in the first place, but it says.... "Individuals suspected of unhealthy physical activity may be disqualified." and I'm constantly doing unhealthy shit... so I guess I'll just have to put a clamp down on that suspicion level thing...?


And the whole thing is I don't just need to "clamp down on the suspicion thing" I need to actually not be unhealthy whatsoever at all. Which is super important and the whole point of them putting all of this out there is that as a company they want their associates to be healthier. I figure to cut down on the amount they are shelling out as a result of weight related diseases, medications, insurance coverage, basically, but I could be worng, maybe they actually really give a shit about how healthy we are on a more personal level than money? Who am I kidding? It's a business, they care about the money.

I mean, if they cared more about us as people and everything wouldn't our associate first days have healthy food options and ingredients lists for people with food allergies and intolerances and dietary restrictions such as vegetarian or vegan diets? Which is something I've brought up numerous times but has never happened. And 90% of the time our associate first days are hot dogs, spaghetti, ice cream bars, nachos, cookies, where's the HEALTHY FOOD????

But anyway, back on the topic of steps.... See, the thing is that I want to start trying to train to do a marathon, which if you look that up it's...
How Many Miles Is 5k = 3.1 miles.
Most beginner runners will take an average time to finish a 5k race of 30 - 40 minutes.
How Many Miles Is 10k = 6.2 miles
The usual time it takes to finish a 10k race is 1 -1½ hours
How Many Miles Is Half marathon = 13.1 miles, 21.7 kilometres
A respectable time it takes to finish a half marathon is 2 - 2½ hours.
How Many Miles Is a Marathon = 26.2 miles, 41.2 kilometres
The average time it takes runners to finish a marathon is between 4½ - 5 hours.

So... granting that I want to start training to run a marathon eventually, I was planning on starting that up as soon as all this ice and snow melts, and this walking challenge pops up, would it be considered as suspicion of unhealthy activity to be taking probably WAY more steps than 10,000 per day? Because if I'm trying to train for a marathon I'm pretty sure I should be walking and running miles, and as you can see by my calculations above, if I get up to going say... a 10k at my current stride pace of 1.5 (granting that's my walking stride, not my running stride) that's 21874 steps on top of the rest of my day... in 1 day....

Not that I'm expecting to get up to doing a 10k within 10 weeks, but I'm just using that as an example. It's likely to look bad if instead of 70,000 steps in one week which is what the cdc recommends for weight loss, I've got a week of say... 99,750 cause on top of 3000 sedentary lifestyle steps I decided to run a 10k twice that week and the rest of the 5 days I still got in my 10k steps... or say I decided to do a 10k run twice that week and a 5k once.. say I did a 10k monday, a 5k wednesday, and another 10k friday, walked 3000 steps all 3 of those days otherwise throughout the day, and walked 10000 steps on the other 4 days, that would be 103685 steps. That's 33685 steps more than 70,000 steps per day.

I'm not going to run 2 10k in a week on top of a 5k and everything else.... I don't think I am anyway, but I am pretty damn determined.... And stubborn...

And as you can see I'm playing with numbers again....

Anyway, basically I need to get a pedometer. It says on the website for the challenge that some divisions are providing them or you can use your own. Well it actually says...
"Pedometers are either provided or suggested by the division OR the associate can use a pedometer of their choice."
Which I took to translate out as "You can use your own pedometer, and all the divisions will have a suggestion that you use one and possibly a suggestion of a sepcific one you should use, but only some of the divisions will be providing associates with pedometers." Granted I might have gotten that wrong...

So basically I need to go in to work and talk to the HR person and see what's up...

18 January 2012

Things that don't help me...

Creating this picture a while back..... not helpful when I found it today....

But..... still very true.....

16 January 2012

I Love Goodwill

So today at goodwill they had a sale on all apparel, 50% off all donated apparel. I really like going to goodwill for several reasons.
1. It's really close to my house.
2. It's relatively cheap.
3. I get an amazing amount of stuff for like.. half of less the price I'd get it from a normal store at.

So today's trip at a glance...
According to the receipt I saved $69.18! That's super amazing! AND that's only off of their original prices AT goodwill, so you can just imagine what I got and how much I saved had I gone to a regular store. And I wound up spending $82.52 but just thinking about what I saved....

So now you might be wondering what in the world I actually got? Well I'm here to tell you just that!!! I walked out of that place with 2 big bags full. And if you've never been to goodwill, their "big" bags are pretty dang big... And what was in those bags??

1 brown button up shirt and 3 blue polo shirts for me (for work)

And for alex in the pants department...
1 size 12 months (they look as big as the size 18 months) tan pants
7 size 18 month pants, 1 khaki, 1 brown courderoy, 1 grey sweats, the rest are jeans
1 size 18-24 month size jeans
7 size 24 month pants, 3 jeans, 3 sweat pants, 1... workout? type material? idk...
3 size 2T, 1 khaki, 2 cotton
1 size 3T blue sweat pants that I'm not 100% sure why I grabbed a pair of 3T pants
1 size... confusing pair of pretty cool looking dress pants that appear to have never been worn, they have a paper label still attached that says the waist and inseam and the inside says 3/6 but I held it up to alex and it's the right leg length and the waist was the same size as the other pants... so I don't know what "3/6" means since it doesn't say months or T or anything....
21 pairs of pants total (wow, didn't realize I grabbed that many)

And in the shirts department....
6 size 2T - a blue button up shirt with a sweatervest (too cute) a green polo w/ stripes, a grey pullover sweatshirt with a zipper at the neck, a brown polo w/ an island theme, a brown sweatshirt with semi-visible football helmet, lightning mcqueen sweatshirt
6 size 3T - another 2 lightning mcqueen/cars shirts, an orange t-shirt that says "stunt man", a grey and maroon striped polo, a tropical print button up, and a led zepplin t-shirt (couldn't pass that one up, 50% off it was $1)
1 size 4T ichiro shirt
1 size 5T cars shirt-lightning mcqueen
14 shirts total

And in the PJ department alex got...
1 pair of size 4T spiderman pj's
1 pair of size 2T green and blue plaid pj's
1 1 piece size 2T rocketship pj's

And in miscelanious other items...
1 red and black ages 2-4 raincoat
2 vhs movies of Stitch! the movie and the emperror's new groove
1 construction type vehicle toy

If you even just estimate the total cost at a regular store for all of those clothes for alex at say... $10 each not including the items under miscelanious or the shirts I got for myself, that would be 21+14+3=38*10=$380... And I spent about $300 less than that, and got 8 things I'm not including in that estimation. And $10 is a low estimation. New boy's pants in the store, the CHEAP ones, are $10 and they aren't jeans, those are the cotton knit pants.

Yeah, I went overboard on pants for alex, but he always seems to run out of those long before shirts come laundry time, so hopefully now we won't have that issue? Overall, I spent WAY more than I intended when I decided to make a trip to goodwill, but I'm satisfied with the way it went. :)

11 January 2012

Have Your Cake & Eat It Too

I am super sorry, blog readers, that my entire focus lately has been on food. But it really has been all that's on my mind lately. Or at least it seems that way, not that this is anything new but the amount of times it has come up as a blogging topic lately is bordering on pathetic, quite frankly. The reason it's increased, however, is because I am feeling a little bit more comfortable talking about it This is my own online place to throw out anything and everything that decides to cross my mind and people can choose to take it or leave it as they like. That is all their choice and they can voice their opinions in my comments area if they like. I only delete spam, not opinions.

So my topic? Funnily enough, not about food. It's a metaphor and it can apply to anything you like. So what is my cake? This blog is essentially about a wonderful bit of cake I wanted to enjoy for years but proximity and circumstances and various other aspects of everyday life made it improbable so for a while I gave up on being able to experience that cake for all it was worth. Then rather recently a series of fortunate events made the impossible very extremely possible and brought that cake right to my front door. Quite literally.

In case you haven't realized.... My Cake is my BOYFRIEND!

So for anyone who doesn't know, I'm dating a wonderful and amazing guy who is currently living in London. *insert sad face* That is really really far away. He's there because he's from there, and he's going to school there, but he spent the summer here visiting, which had it's ups and downs but overall I think while it could have been better planned out since there were a lot of things I wanted to do that we never got to go do, it still was nice. And he is basically the biggest, if not the only, reason I'm trying so hard to actually eat more.

And.... a lot of the time I honestly feel like I'm like... the worst girlfriend ever. I never seem to have anything interesting to say. I dwell on stuff a lot. I don't take compliments well. I'm really awesome at feeling like shit and putting myself down. And this whole paragraph after I just made a "new years resolution" to be more positive.... WTF!!!! I know... I'm not that great a girlfriend though. Ask any of my exes. Although thinking on that, I really wonder what any of them would actually say about me. (for the record there aren't very many) Actually, most of them called me a bitch, in various terms, at least once, some when angry, others just,,, I don't know why. Maybe they were right. Oh well.

Basically, I was watching How I met your mother earlier today, and they said that some relationships there is a "reacher" and a "settler" which means that in every relationship there is one person who has somehow snagged a person who is totally 100% out of their league, and the other person has settled for someone less than them. If I had to pick one of us for the "Settler" I would say that he is. Hands down he could do a million times better than me. And if he had to pick I know he would probably say the opposite. But it's not me who is settling because I'm definitely not even at his level. He's great and I am just.. relatively useless, as I said. And again with the not so positive outlook... well, I wouldn't call it negative though. I would say I'm being realistic by saying this.

Anyway.. so for now, I have my cake, and I get to eat it, and I love it. :) (and no, I don't mean that in a dirty way! Get outta the gutter!!!)

05 January 2012

ok.... I lied :P

WHA-!?!?!?!?!?!? TIFFANY DID WHAT!?!?!!?!?!?

Wait, wait, wait, don't freak out yet. I lied. Indeed, I definitely did. But I'm coming clean here and now like all good little girls aught to....

I am making a New Years Resolution!

I know!! Shocking, right? (not really at all shocking)  I'm totally appalled with myself for doing this!

1. At some point during the year of 2012 I will conquer my anxiety of going to the doctors and actually make an appointment and go to the appointment and discuss my eating issues with this doctor.
2. I am going to try to be less self-depreciating. It's not helpful to anyone, least of all myself.
3. I am going to try not to question people's sanity when they compliment me and try to take it to heart. And conversely I am going to try to let people's poor opinions and comments just... trickle off of me like water would instead of sinking in as though it were a dart or something.

And my other lifestyle changing rules continue.
I eat at least 3 times a day. (or try very very hard to)
I eat a minimum of 1500 calories every day.
I continue to not purge.
I do not weigh myself more than once a week.
I do not measure myself more than once a month.

until next time..... :)

04 January 2012

Something..... not so new!

So I figured out that I can measure tons of different body parts too! I'm kidding. I didn't just figure this out. I've known for a while, but since at the moment I'm being all weird about everything else, why the hell not throw this one out on the table?? I've measured myself obsessively before, in the past, the FAR past. But I'm starting to wonder if maybe measuring myself ONCE A MONTH might be helpful to myself. It's a measurable tool of progress, and only allowing myself to do it once a month will help keep me from obsessing. I think.

So my general guidelines for measurements are going to be I'm allowed to do it within the first 5 days of the month. If I forget to do it between the first and the fifth, I ban myself from doing it later in the month. As for weighing myself, I think I'm doing ok with about once a week. I obsessed about it that first friday after I started eating more, I forgot about it the friday after that until christmas morning (sunday) and then this last week I didn't even think about it on friday, but somewhat without even thinking did it saturday morning. the first week I went down about 4 lbs and then I gained 2 back and didn't gain or lose last time I weighed myself.

So officially, I've measured my height, weight, upper arm (at fullest point), forearm (just below elbow at fullest point), wrist, bust (fullest place), chest (under bust), waist (slimmest part of abdomen), hips (fullest part of your butt and hips), thigh (at largest point), calf (just below knee at fullest point), ankle (at slimmest point), and foot (measured from heel to longest toe). Those were the parts listed on the website I was looking at.


January 2, 2012
Age - 24
Height - 61.5" (5 feet 1 and a half inches)
Weight - 194.0 (Dec. 31, 2011)
Neck - 15.25"
Upper Arm - 15"(L) 15" (R)
Forearm - 10.5" (L) 10.5" (R)
Wrist - 6.5" (L) 6.5" (R)
Bust - 45"
Chest - 38"
Waist - 35"
Hips - 45"
Thigh - 25" (L) 24" (R)
Calf - 17" (L) 16" (R)
Ankle - 10.5" (L) 9.5" (R)
Foot - 9" (L) 9" (R)

The thing I'm super confused about is this... why is my right leg 1" smaller than my left leg, but my arms are perfectly proportionate to each other?

My waist to hip ratio is 0.77 which is less than 0.85 so that means I'm at a lesser risk of heart disease and type 2 diabetes than if I was carrying my weight higher on my belly.

bleh.... I'm done with this blog....

02 January 2012

No New Year's Resolutions Here

I'm not really sure why but today was really difficult for me. I guess New Years always brings about mixed feelings when it comes to making resolutions and reading other people's resolutions that they have made abd everything else that goes along with that. I think the biggest thing I struggle with is all the people saying they are going to go on a diet, eat better, exercise more, lose weight or gain weight, etc. Not that they shouldn't be allowed to make their own goals along those lines. But more so that I personally struggle with reading about them on facebook and hearing about them at work and everything else because I worry about what it means is going on in their heads in relation to food. I wouldn't ever want anyone to feel like I do about food. And speaking of food.....

Food-wise, today I think I did decent.

Breakfast was 1 egg and 1 egg white cooked in olive oil, 1/2 a banana, and a slice of toast with almond butter and flax seeds sprinkled on it. And I grabbed a coffee from starbucks on my first break at work.

Lunch was 1/2 a sandwich with turkey, tomato, and mustard. A low carb yogurt, some frozen mixed veggies, and a hershey's dark chocolate with almonds.

Dinner was 1/2 a salmon filet with pepper, dill, and garlic wine vinegar, 1 orange, 2 servings of  "fiesta" mix veggies, and pasta with the last of the pesto in the jar.

Overall added up it was about 1750 calories. Give or take a few.

Emotionally, I'm just... dying here. I don't want to do this any more. I don't like this. I don't want to eat 3 meals a day. I don't want to eat 1500+ calories every day. I don't want to. And I just feel like it's so pointless. Even when a friend who I hadn't seen for a while said today that I looked really good, I don't know if it's because of this or what. But this eating thing is just going to break me. I know it. I also know I'm really probably making this more difficult than it needs to be, but I can't get my stupid brain to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Anyway.... why else does it feel pointless? I stepped on the scale saturday morning and weighed exactly the same amount as I did christmas morning. Which I guess in and of itself is good considering all the sweets I've eaten and christmas meal itself and everything, but I'm still 2 pounds up from 2 weeks ago. I haven't lost anything. I haven't gained anything. It's good I haven't gained but it's BEYOND frustrating that I haven't lost anything at all. I'm pathetic....

I bought a bottle of water, a tomato, and the chocolate bar on my lunch, and the girl who checked me out said "what kind of a lunch is that?" and I was like "I have other food upstairs" but like... I know I'm sure she has no idea what is going on with me, but that is a really trigger inducing comment. And then people in the break room "Oh, you're eating healthy now?" "is that your new year's resolution?" I just want to scream and rip out my hair and I know they have no idea what they are doing to me.

NO, I have no new year's resolution because I shouldn't have one!!!

Why? Why shouldn't I have a new year's resolution? Because I obsess. I get super focused on things. I let things eat at me, a lot, really bad, frequently, often. I dwell on put-downs and I dismiss praises. I know, I'm fucked up!!!

Also, to anyone who decided to investigate my comment on the work website's blog, which I assume some of you did since I got 5 hits from the Google Search page for "amazon626" (if you ever come back, and to those who may or may not visit in the near future) HELLO!!!!! And for anyone who is confused by that sentence, remember my post previously that said that I was annoyed with comments being rejected from the blog on the work website? Well I got a comment approved in which I revealed my google friendly username in the form of a riddle, albeit an easy riddle, but a riddle none the less. So maybe you'll stick around for the ride? Who knows, maybe you'll like my blog. Or maybe it'll just confirm EVERYTHING you always thought about your little Anonymous Kiosk Dweller. Well, either way, thanks for visiting :)