Lactation cookies

Mama's Milkin' Cookies

Ingredients (makes aprox 40 cookies) * 1 cup butter (preferably with olive oil or flaxseed oil), softened * 1 cup sugar * 1 cup organic brown sugar * 4 tbsp water * 2 tbsp flaxseed meal * 2 large, omega 3 eggs * 1 tsp vanilla extract * 2 cups whole wheat flour * 1 tsp baking soda * 1 tsp salt * 3 cups of thick cut oats * 1 cup dark chocolate chips * 1/2 cup of slivered almonds * 4 tbsp of brewer's yeast (this is the main ingredient for milk production)

* Preheat over to 375 degrees F * Mix flaxseed meal and water, set aside * Sift together dry ingredients (flour, brewer's yeast, salt and soda), set aside * Blend butter and sugars well * Blend in eggs, one at a time * Stir in flaxseed mix and add vanilla, mix well * Add dry mixture in three equal parts * Stir in oats, chocolate chips and almonds * drop on backing sheet 1 inch apart (I use parchment paper so they don't stick and for easy cleanup) * Bake 12-15 mins, cool on rack

Cassie's hospital experience

While we still don't know a ton, we know enough that I'm sharing what we do know now. We were at valley medical center with Cassie in the emergency room from 6pm-midnight on Wednesday then the Pediatrics ward until earlier today, Friday, when we were finally released to go home because she is having seizures. Not a great reason to be there.

Leslie and I were discussing that we thought she had a cold a few days ago because he had a cold and i had a sore throat. Later that night she was sleeping on my chest and started sucking in air strangely and jerking her whole body in towards the core. It was periodically pulling in towards her center in a pattern similar to hiccups. I thought it was that she couldn't breathe because her noise was plugged and she wasn't breathing in through her mouth so i tried to open her mouth and get her attention and then it just stopped. I didn't think much of it. But then it happened again later and i said something to Leslie and he said that she'd done it while he was holding her too. He didn't seem too concerned but I knew it was something I'd never seen before and that made me nervous.

I tried to google it and found normal infant jerky limb movements due to their still developing nervous systems, and seizures. Welcome to the age of "cyberchondria", you know? So Leslie basically said he want worried about it but that if i was worried about it to call the Dr. So i did and initially they told us to come in to the Dr office at 5pm then called back and said the nurse wanted to talk to us. The nurse got a description from us and went to talk to the Dr and the Dr said to go into the er because they could run tests and do scans that they couldn't do at the pediatricians office. So we went to the er.

They checked her blood oxygen, blood sugar, did a ct scan (came back normal), took blood and urine for testing, and finally sent us to a room up in Pediatrics. During the time we were in the er she had 4 episodes of what we now know were her having seizures. The final time it was finally seen by someone other than just myself or Leslie, one of the er doctors.

So after we went to the room they told us we were waiting for the neurologists to come in the morning so we tried to get some sleep, myself about 3-4 hours, I'm thinking Leslie got about 5 so not much more. When the neurologists came in they asked us for some information and said that since it wasn't really obvious what was going on that they were putting in an order for a 24 hour EEG (brain wave/activity monitors) and said that they might know something later today, if not then definitely tomorrow.

So they set her up on the EEG and i think we flagged about 3 or so episodes when the neurologist came in and said it's definitely seizures. He said they were going to start her on iv medications to try to control them and were still waiting on the test results.

So they gave her keppra by iv at about 4pm then more orally at around 3am and it seemed like things were finally changing. We hadn't seen her have any seizures for quite some time.

The Dr came in to talk with us the next morning. The Dr said the neurologist had said it isn't infantile spasms which is what a lot of people online on the forum I'm part of were trying to say it sounded like, because it lacks the specific markers for that on the eeg scan. He called it "focal motor seizures" and said it meant it comes from a specific part of the brain and the motor part was the movements. The neurologist had pointed to an area at the to middle of his head when he was in telling us that they were for sure seizures yesterday, and this Dr indicated the same area on his head.

They don't have a cause yet still and we're still waiting for the metabolic or something of the like test results. He said the neurologist would be in later, most likely after the 24 hours was passed on the eeg, to discuss things in more detail, and that they would do their best to keep us updated as soon as they knew anything.

Later on the neurologist came in and told us similar information to what the Dr had said. That it was focal motor seizures. That the medication seemed to be working. That she hadn't had any seizures since 7pm the night before. They says that they might be sending us home that day depending on the pediatric team's thoughts.

They disconnected her from the EEG around noon and a new Dr came in and was observing her and she had 2 seizures in front of this Dr. This caused them to go off and debate whether they were going to let us go today or if they wanted to keep her longer, overnight for more observation.

Ultimately they decided that keeping her wasn't going to change much so they released her with a prescription to be picked up and orders to make an outpatient appointment with another neurologist and with her pediatrician in 5 days. They said that they are waiting for test results that won't come back until Sunday at the earliest.

So this is where I get confused a bit. After we got home she was sill having seizures so we called and they said to give her the 0.5 ml dose of keppra 6 hours early and then in 12 hours to up her dose to 0.7 ml since she was still having seizures. They knew she was still having them prior to her last dose at 3pm at the hospital before we were released to go so why didn't they up the dose then?

She is still having seizures even after the early extra dose and that worries me. We're kinda talking about possibly calling or going in to children's or Swedish. They want to send her in for an mri at one of those places anyway and something is better than sitting here doing nothing but waiting.

Everyone keeps asking how we're doing. How we're feeling. How we're holding up. If they can do anything to help.

I feel like I'm mom who can't be mom and kiss it and make it feel better. I feel like I'm useless and helpless to do anything to make it better. I feel like crap. I'm tired. I'm upset. I'm frustrated. I'm... Here... And as for doing anything to help, i don't even know what to say on that one.

It's just.... That's it.... That's where we are at. That's all we know.

My son's hair is purple and I'm socially awkward

I've decided that the ever so public forum of Facebook and also my blog are the perfect locations to say things that I feel a necessity to say. I've our a decent amount if time into writing this and wording it right and making sure everything was here I meant to put her so hopefully it doesn't come across poorly and nothing is missing. :-)

In my oh so long (haha) 25 years of life I've learned that it is pointless to waste your life trying to be someone you're not. I figured out a long time ago that i'm never going to fit into a neat little "normal" box and that's ok because quite frankly I don't want to. I have always been and always will continue to be the girl who marches to the beat of a different drum and dances to the song suck in her head. I'm a different breed of awesome and that's ok. I like it this way.

So I've seen all the looks people can give and hard all the things they can possibly say. So what if people like to talk? Let them. Heck, give them something to talk about. And who cares if they stare? Let them. Give them a show. Because the reality is that people are going to find fault where they think they can and they are going to react to things in their own way based on their own perceptions of normalcy. That's only to be expected.everyone has their own opinion of people and there is always going to be judgment in the world.

I hold my head high and stand tall and I like to think I know when to bite my tongue and when to speak up. I'm probably wrong some of the time but nobody is perfect. I have my opinions too. I'm not exempt or worthy of sainthood but my opinions are sometimes a little more vague.

As an example, I am of the opinion that if someone is embarrassed to go out in public with another person because of any reason pertaining to their personality or appearance then that is really their personal problem and not the fault of the allegedly embarrassing thing in question. This opinion of mine has been brought into light because I guess I never realized that this could apply to a toddler. I didn't realize that a toddler's appearance could be cause for embarrassment for someone. I guess I was wrong.

I don't really care for the most part what people think of me or the things that I do so it never really dawned on me to think that one simple thing could cause such a dramatic and divided reaction.

If you haven't seen it yet, my son's hair is purple. He asked me to do it and if you ask him if he likes it he tells you yes. If he didn't like it then it would be gone in a heartbeat. I'm not some cruel person who would make their kid suffer through something they hated unread it was absolutely necessary so as long as he's happy I don't see the huge deal here. But due to it i'm getting everything from "that's so awesome" to "that's not ok" and everything i'm between and beyond.

I didn't realize that having a little fun could cause such a massive controversy. I didn't realize that the comfort levels of the other adults in his life were somehow going to be breached by such a minor, in my opinion, disruption of normalcy in a long span of childhood which he us going to have. My mistake I suppose.

I was even told that I wasn't acting like an adult when I didn't say no to him when he asked me to color his hair. I don't know how to respond to that one. I don't think "acting like an adult" is a 100% properly defined phrase acceptable for use in a situation like that. If acting like an adult means I have to confirm to someone else's rigid set guidelines to adulthood I can very nearly say that I'm never going to fit into that box. Until the day I die and possibly even after, I get to pick my box to fit into.

But hey, at least I figured out a way to defer the topic of debate away from "omg you dyed your hair while you were pregnant" to "omg you dyed your toddler's hair purple" :-p

Stupid dshs....

Dshs says I make too much for them to give me food stamps or money benefits now.

But according to this website...

If I was working 40 hours a week at my wages I would be making 46% of the median income for a family size of 1 person. (not my family size, I'm a family of 2) I do not work 40 hours a week. At 32 hours per week average I would make 33% the average of a family of 2.

If I was working full time hours (40) at my current wages, which mind you are journeyman level, highest before manager positions, I would still only be making 41% of the median income for a family of 2. I'm not even making HALF of the average income. Half is what 1 adult should be pulling in, right? I'm not. But according to dshs I make too much for assistance.

Logic? None.

Today

Coffee, bagel, reduced fat cream cheese

Yogurt, half turkey wrap, bag of green beans

Don't want to eat. Picking at lunch more than eating. Did not want lunch.

Edit. Not all of yogurt. Not all of green beans. Ran out of time.