My Weight Loss Tracker

17 October 2011

The Cannibalism of Critters

So a while back I was thinking about the praying mantis and how the female eats the male during and shortly after copulation and I was curious as to whether or not this always happened. I wondered if it was a necessary part of the mating process or if it was simply something they did. And if it was a necessary part, what made it necessary?

Well, I looked up some information and discovered something interesting. Copulation Canibalism is not necessary for the praying mantis, but it is simply the nearest source of nutrition for the female's prospective children. Sometimes the male gets away, if he is quick enough. Sometimes the female starts eating him during reproduction. Sometimes it is after.

But the MOST interesting things I found were about other such critters. There is one that in order to ensure that no other male will follow after them they break off their penis. This holds their sperm inside and prevents another male from mating with that female. Most of them just ate their mates for nutritional value post-copulation.

11 October 2011

The making of Halloween Costumes! (part 1)

This year I decided that I really wanted to be a fairy after seeing a fairy costume at my work and I wracked my brain for something that I could do with Alex so that I could be a fairy. I think it's cute to have matching/coordinated halloween outfits and last year we were both pirates. So I thought and I thought and I thought and I came up with something I think will work out well.

King Oberon and Queen Titania of the fairies from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream.

So here I am to document the costume making at every stage! First I had to plot out how I was going to make my nearly 2 year old son a Fairy King without making him completely hate me for it when he gets older and sees the pictures. I tried to look up costumes online but came up empty handed with anything that wasn't overly girly seeming or seriously impossible for me to make on a budget until I found one picture, that I can't find again for the life of me, of a guy wearing something like a long sleeved shirt under a tunic decorated with leaves, matching pants, and a crown. I don't remember if he had wings on or not, but that costume is the basis of what I'm making Alex's costume look like.

For my costume, one of my coworkers gave me a pretty white skirt that she was going to donate to goodwill which I quickly decided to use for part of my outfit. It's a little small for me but fits if I hook it up high on my waist instead of where it's supposed to be. I'm going to dye that red and then make a top to go with that out of the same fabric I'm using to make Alex's tunic and pants.

So... I went to the dollar tree 2 days ago on my lunch break at work and I bought 2 leaf garlands and 1 bunch of flowers, several things of glitter glue, 2 pairs of green wings, some glow stick fairy wands, some Mardi Gras looking necklaces, some ribbon, some foam sheets, and probably some other stuff I don't remember... And then today (10/10) I went to goodwill and I made out darn good if I do say so myself. I got 2 long sleeved shirts for Alex (one to go under his tunic that he can also wear any other day too) and 2 pairs of pants for Alex, a stuffed frog with a zipper pouch that I let Alex pick out, a dark green flat sheet, and a really pretty see through purple thing with swirls and flowers design on it that I think is supposed to be a table runner. Anyway, I got all that for $11.13 and not on sale it all would have been about $30 but they were having a 1 day only orange tag sale - 50% off of everything that was orange tag, and every red tag item was on sale for $1.29

So here's some pictures of the stuff before I did anything to any of it....
The skirt Laurie gave me
The "table runner"? Folded up
Alex's new shirt
The dark green flat sheet
All the stuff I got, glitter glue, ribbon, foam board, pipe cleaners, etc.
The glow wands, flowers, leaves, and wings
Closeup of the flowers and leaves
closeup of the glitter glue and stuff
closeup of the ribbon 
closeup and singular view of one of the pairs of wings
The box of dye for the skirt (and alex sitting back there, cutie)

So right now the skirt is in the dryer but it doesn't look "scarlet" though, it looks more pink than anything else. I'm going to see what it looks like after it's dry and see what it looks like with the dark green and the purple before I decide whether or not I want to try and dye it again. I got a dark green rit dye that I can take back into work and swap for a refund or if I want, another scarlet since I don't need it as I got a big dark green flat sheet (pictures and mentioned above) instead.

In case you can't tell, I'm making this as I'm typing this blog, lol. And I think it looks ok still. The skirt is like a salmon pink color now, not a scarlet, but it still looks ok with the green and purple. I'm working on making mine and Alex's wings different from how they originally were, different from each other, and making Alex's more boy appropriate. I know, fairy wings on a boy just aren't going to be excessively masculine, but I can at least make an attempt as LESS feminine. But either way they are sparkly. :) 

I'm also working on making Alex's pants and tunic out of the sheet as we speak. To make the tunic it was pretty easy to figure out the measurements. I wrapped my measuring tape around his middle then did the same from his shoulder down. So I'm cutting a chunk out of the sheet that is going to measure 28" long and 13" wide. From his shoulders down to the bottom of his shirt was 12" but I want it to be a little longer than his shirt is and also I want to have some room to hem it. Around his middle was 22" which divided is 11" but also I want it to overlap a little and still have a little bit extra to add a hem. Also I want to give it a little bit of room just in case I make a mistake cutting it. The pants are going to be a little more difficult. I remember the way I made my pajama pants when I was in high school and that's how I'm making his pants. First I need to measure him from his waist to his ankles, then I need to measure around his waist, then I need to measure the inseam (crotch to ankle), and then his thigh. Once that is done, I'll need to add a little bit for seams, a little bit at the waist to fold over for a drawstring, a little bit for hems, etc. And then I'll need to make a pattern out of paper, cut it out, and sew it. And hopefully it'll fit him. LOL.

I'll post more later <3

10 October 2011

What is Beauty?

Beautiful adj. Having qualities that delight the senses, especially the sense of sight.

So it really is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There is nothing that says one person is more beautiful than another or a certain shirt is more beautiful. If a person finds that something is beautiful, then it has served it's purpose. So why is there so much debate surrounding whether or not a person is beautiful? And why am I the one that is debating what is?

How could any girl honestly be confidant and secure with the media and society shoving down our throats that we just aren't good enough and even if a girl is, even if she is the right size and has the right hair and wears the right clothes, if they gain or lose a little weight it's all over blown totally out of proportion. No wonder so many people have image issues. No wonder so many women wish they were thinner even if they are normal sized. The pressure to be as beautiful as the people we see in magazines and on tv and all over is so immense. And maybe it isn't from men who seem to increasingly say they dislike the stick figures, but other women are cruel sometimes too. I think it was tyra banks who did an episode on her talk show about girls being super mean to other girls. Girls are mean...

I'm insecure. That is always what sums up everything I've typed on here lately. My blog has become a list of my dramatic insecurities. What I eat, what I don't eat, what I say, what I don't say, what I do, what I don't do, what I wish I did.... The issues on top of issues on top of issues that I can type day in and day out about and never say anything truly worth reading.

So what is beautiful to you?

07 October 2011

Ok, back to the "diet" talk. Reality check? Yup!

And no, leslie, I'm not using the word "diet" as an activity. Diet refers to what you eat, and I eat CRAP! Not literally, obviously, but I either eat junk, kinda ok, or not at all. Which yes, is pretty unhealthy, and no, isn't helping me lose any of this weight and yes, is probably ultimately hurting me. I guess it's time to go on to the bits of what this post is really going to be.

This is my reality check here and now.

Hello world, my name is Tiffany and I have really shitty eating habits and probably most likely pretty much definitely have an eating disorder. Yay me! There, I said it. And oddly, even though I'm not a tiny little twiggy stick thing, my eating issues are NOT overeating. Ok, so sometimes I do overindulge, but that's not the majority of the time and when I do that I'm MORE likely to restrict myself worse.

The thing is that when I was about 10 years old someone who was a very influential person in my self-esteem told me that if I was ever over 120lbs that I was fat so somehow this became my ultimate obsession. I don't know how much I weighed then, but also there were already thinner girls around me, people talking about weight, etc. and middle school didn't make anything any easier. Not to mention I was having numerous other issues that could fit into a blog post (or 2 or 3) all it's own. But I was cutting back on food, lying and saying I'd already eaten, telling people I wasn't hungry, not eating, only eating low calorie things, etc. I cut back to the point where I wasn't eating anything for days and when I did eat I would barely eat, but I still wasn't losing weight and I couldn't figure out why. I'm still in that situation. And I know, leslie, you are saying it's because I don't eat enough. And I know other people say the same thing. But you would really think, ffs, that not eating for DAYS and barely eating an apple, or a salad, or something similar after that would FORCE your body to lose some mass, but it didn't.

I know that ultimately I need to just stop worrying about it, stop being so obsessed with food and calories and exercise and weight and size and inches and fat and everything else. I know deep down that it is not good, the way that I am is not good. The way that I eat is not good. The way that I think is not good. And people worry about me, people who know all about this worry about me and I hate that I'm making people worry and I wish they would just not concern themselves with that I do. But I also know if it was in reverse I would worry about them and I'm being such a fucking hypocrite saying they need to not worry about me. I would worry about me if I was them. I would yell at me if I was them. I would tell me to eat more if I was them.

And the sad thing is that I can watch shows with those tiny skinny people who are in CLINICS to be treated for anorexia, and I think "she's pretty, she doesn't look to thin" and then said girl steps on a scale and weighs in at like 90lbs... and I see those girls pick at their food and I know that sometimes, a lot of the time, I do the same thing. And I know some people are going to be all "no you don't, I've seen you eat." Well, yeah, but have you ever spent every meal with me every day for like a week? If I eat a good meal with you today, I probably will restrict myself later and/or beat myself up for it at some point.

And the reality is that I should be eating at least 3 times a day and I usually only eat once a day. I should be eating about 2000 calories and I eat -maybe- half that most days. I usually eat about 700 calories. Today I ate a michelina's frozen beans and rice, a bag of frozen mixed veggies, and a strawberry banana yogurt. The frozen meal had 300 calories, the mixed veggies was 4 servings of 60 calories each, and the yogurt was 80 calories. If you did the math, that was 620 calories. That's all I ate today. And yet 8 hours later I'm feeling no need to go eat anything. Yea, that's normal... (not)

I need to change. I know I need to change. I know it's not that difficult to just open my mouth and insert food and chew it and swallow it. So why don't I just do it? Mentally, I can't. Food is a necessary evil, in my mind. It's something I have to have for fuel. Necessary. It's calories that never seem to go away. Evil.

The thing is, every time I try to sit down to make up some sort of actual eating plan I find points where I'm like "this can't work, see, I can't fit all the (insert food group) into one day according to this plan" or "I could never eat ALL THAT in one day" or "(insert excuse)" and ultimately that is what they all really are. It's all excuses to feed my years of bad unhealthy poor eating habits and shitty relationship with food. And I know it's all excuses. And yet I still make them. WHY???

gah..... I'm messed up..... I basically had an argument last night about calories and food and everything with Leslie, then again continued the same argument to the point at which both of us were pretty much fed up with me. Only until he reads that here I'm sure he doesn't realize that I'm fed up with me too. I am. I really truly am SICK of this. But I seem to be completely unable to just slap myself and say "hey, stop, change" which is just idiotic. and more excuses. In fact, I'm pretty sure this blog is just an excuse. A massive excuse to justify that I am capable of telling everyone who reads my blog just how messed up I am and just how I can't deal with it to justify that I can indeed talk about it and ramble on and on and on about a bunch of bullshit.

I'm done... hope you had fun reading...