My Weight Loss Tracker

25 August 2010

Aspie?

Your Aspie score: 156 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score 64 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

[img]http://www.rdos.net/eng/ poly12c.php? p1=82&p2=92&p3=83&p4=82&p5=83&p6= img]
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23 August 2010

Comment Here

In the nicest way, how hard is it to comment right here on my blog? You read my blog here. Go ahead and comment here. I don't want your texts. I don't want your phone calls. I don't care if you comment via twitter or facebook but quite frankly, I'd prefer here.

Thanks...
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I am me

Every person is the same. Essentially. We (for the most part) all have 2 eyes, a nose, a mouth, 2 ears, a chest, 2 arms, 2 legs, skin, hair, etc. It's the ways we are different that people dwell on. Likes or dislikes, beliefs and morals, thee languages we speak. Our skin's color or hair color. Personalities and the differences there.

The thing I'm wondering about today is whether I'd still be me if I hadn't lived my whole life. As in what would be different about my personality, my likes and dislikes, my beliefs and morals, if certain things had never happened. Would I still be me? It's a weird question. If you look at religion they might say that everything you do is in god's plan and if that's the case then why would horribly bad things be in his plan? Then there are the questions of self. If god planned everything then am I really making choices? If I'm not making choices then why am I doing this? Why did this happen this way?

I know some of thee people I know don't like religion and believe different things. I don't even know if I like religion. Thing is tho, if a belief in something helps someone and they want to love people and try to reach out and do good and believe there is something bigger and better waiting for them at the end of their life then who am I to tell them they shouldn't? Whether it's true or not, it isn't hurting me any. And if it turns out there is no heaven at the end of their life, at least they lived a good life and were happy.

As I've said many times, i don't really know what I believe. I'm still working on that part. I thought once that religion would help me with everything, that it was the solution. Everything would get better if I went to church and read the bible and accepted jesus into my heart and all that. So I did all that and nothing changed much. But I've changed more since then too.

But I think as we grow as people we can look at ourselves like onions. No, not stinky and making others cry. Layered. Each time we grower our change we still retain that old self. Or I guess you could look at it like a tree. Trees grow up and out and they have their layers of growth that you get to see when you cut them down. They grow upon the old layer and that's what we do too, in a not so obvious non-visual way. Our growth is emotional, mental, spiritual. Our beliefs and morals develop and change. Our personalities as well. All to form the person we ultimately become. And it's all built up upon who we started out being and how we developed.

So my point is that I wonder who i would be, what layers would be different, if I went back 10 years and just changed 1 thing. I know this is like the butterfly effect in a way, that movie with ashton kucher. He goes back into his past and changes things and he's trying to do good for someone but you can't change the past without altering the path to the present. But my point isn't that I want to change thee past so much as it is... would I still be me if it hadn't been that way...
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22 August 2010

9 months ago

9 months ago I was still pregnant. Laying in a hospital bed not really in pain anymore thanks to my epidural. I wondered when my baby was coming. I wondered if it was a boy or a girl. I had been waiting to meet my little one who I'd been talking to and singing to since april. I didn't know how much I'd love that little boy. I mean, I already loved him, but I just didn't expect to love him so much more. I was exhausted but I didn't sleep. I cuddled my little baby.

Now he's 9 months old, at 10:09p tonight. He's got 4, almost 5 teeth coming in. He's so big.. He's starting to understand more words and things around him are more exciting every day. I keep waiting (synonymous to dreading) the day he actually crawls. He scoots and rolls and gets what he wants anyway, which instantly goes in the mouth.

I love being alexander's mommy.
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Open Mouth, Insert Foot

I feel horrid right now because I've managed to offend people today. Yay me...

I don't even know if anyone is reading my blog at all but then come to find out yup, and I blew it. But you know, I don't think I'm wrong for how I feel and i don't think anyone has the right to invalidate my feelings.

I put my feelings out on the line today and there are not many times I drop all my defenses to try to connect with someone else. But I did. I smiled. I cried. I went off on someone. It was fun... Loads of fun...
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21 August 2010

Weekly weight update

I forgot yesterday
210.8
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Turn off, Brain

I wish I could command my brain to turn off, to take a break, just until the rest of me could figure out what I want. I just woke up about half an hour ago and my brain is already making insane thoughts. Rational Brain has turned into horrible likely irrational downward spiral. But that's another thing I have in common with this afore mentioned friend. We both have this whole rational brain thing going on. We like to sit and think, to analyze the facets of things, to see what's going on behind or at last speculate at what could be going on.

This has ruined good things for me before. I destroyed a good relationship once a while back simply because i convinced myself that if he wasn't cheating on me he could be and possibly should be. Weird thing to think, I know.

But I know if I'm thinking all these things he probably is too. And I know he might be thinking about that stupid thing I said too. Even tho we are friends and played together all the time and he's an amazing person, he's his own person, I had to say that stupid thought in the back of my mind.
You're my best friend's little brother.

He seemed so... hurt when I said that. I instantly corrected that saying that only PART of me thinks that way. And it's true, part of me is really into him and the other part of me is like "that's her little brother" and it's this conflict. He even said during our conversation, "I have the sudden urge to say ' don't tell my sister about this'" and it was funny. I don't know how she would react. That's a big deterrent factor too.

Part of me is screaming "Go for it!" while the other part is like "no, too many reasons not to" I'm just screwy. I like him, so I do weird things. Like try to convince him he can do better than a single mom who is a little broken. Or maybe his not logging in all day yesterday means he blocked me or doesn't want to talk to me. And then my brain thinks maybe all it was is just how we haven't talked in forever and that I'm a natural flirt and just flattered him. And then he realized that. And then under that being pleased of flattery he doesn't see anything more. And this is what my brain does, going in thought circles. Like he said sometimes you go to sleep and don't wake up. Like die in your sleep. What if that happened to him and I didn't know? What if his overanalyzing and mine ruin everything and I could have prevented it by not logging out like i had. Maybe he'll realize he doesn't really want to be with someone who already has a kid. I could understand that. It sucks but that's reality. People don't want someone else's kid sometimes.

Ugh... Why am I letting myself do this? Why am I getting so worked up over whether or not he likes me back still? It's stupid.

Ok, I promise promise promise this will be my last blog post solely about this before I talk to him again.
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Awkwardness

I am an awkward person. I readily admit this fact upon inquiry but it makes my interactions with others awkward also. And if they are or aren't awkward also, this still is weird.

I just got off the phone with my friends who think it's funny to joke about how my mind works to overanalyze things and how I'm kinda really into this person but am afraid of stuff. And apparently I'm a "big baby" because I can't take a joke about it. That kinda hurt. I mean what, my feelings being hurry by your joke then again by your blaise response to my being upset on top of that... Great friends.

Basically the gist is I'm kinda into this guy I've known for quite some time and I tend to analyze good decent things to their analytical deaths. Like right now I'm afraid that my last things I said were wrong. That maybe i ruined my every chance at this with that. And that would suck. It's like my friend said, she hasn't seen me this worked up and into a guy in a long time. It's true I guess.

The last guy I was with was chris and I haven't been with him actually out on a date or just to hang out in a long time. Including that I haven't been *with* someone since before I found out i was pregnant. Not that a relationship is about sex. That's just a dynamic of the relationship when it reaches that particular point.

I like this guy. He's funny and sweet and caring. I've known him for a long time and we have stuff in common. Like we both hate that dropping feeling elevators give you. We both like cats and cookies. We agree that there is probably an anime somewhere out there that has cats eating cookies while riding on unicorns. And if there isn't there should be. We both love books and drawing and writing. And we both like our feet. :-)

I know those might seem like weird things, but they aren't. They are great things. But my brain is frustrating me, making me think I'm stupid to think anything could come of this that is any better then all my other crap relationships. That there is any point to this because I might destroy a great friendship. Or I might have already done the damage.

Silly tiffany, the people love you, but they don't LOVE you....
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15 August 2010

Writing

I woke up just like any other day. Went outside and got the newspaper, poured myself a steaming hot cup of coffee, and started gathering up my breakfast. That morning was an omelet, cheese and tomato.
Little did I know that this day was going to be the last day of my life..

If I had known anything about what was going to happen that day I might have realized all the signs that things weren't quite right. Looking back now I can see them clearly. The horrible pain in my joints, the bruises, the lack of appetite. I always bruised easily though. Maybe I was always sick.
Darius came to see me after breakfast and told me I looked petty bad. I told him I felt pretty bad too. He'd been telling me for the last 2 years to go see a doctor and I expected him to say the same today but he didn't. Today he looked at me with a sad expression on his face and gave me a bottle of red liquid, telling me to drink all of it.
I opened the bottle and sniffed it tentatively, "what is it?"
"I got some information and help from my cousin. It'll help you."
I started to take a sip then stopped at the eager expression on his face. "Please.." he hissed out almost pained.
"you know, I'm not thirsty." I put the lid back on the bottle and hopped up onto the kitchen counter. I winced as pain shot through my hips and Darius noticed and cringed, as always.
"please," he said simply. I knew he wasn't the begging type but I also didn't know what was in that bottle. Normally I would just do what he asked without question but this wasn't a normal request.
"Quickly! Please drink it! Now!" His tone and urgency shocked me. I opened the bottle again and sniffed it.
"it smells like chile peppers and chlorine," I complained.
"Drink!" He commanded hissing through his teeth.
"Ok, geez, don't throw a fit." I put it to my lips reluctantly and intended to take a sip, testing it out. The instant it touched my lips my mouth was filled with the most exotic and intoxicating flavors that i literally couldn't not drink it. I chugged it all down, only vaguely aware of the smug yet relieved expression on Darius's face.
"What the hell was that?" I demanded, shocked as my voice slurred and the works around me blurred at the edges. A satisfied baritone laughter was my only response as my world turned red and a sharp stabbing pain in my stomach took my breath away.

To be continued...
(Only upon request though)
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13 August 2010

A real first post.

Hello and welcome to my new blog. I'm just going to post whatever my happy little life throws my way here and I guess whoever the heck wants to read it can.

Introduction to myself. My name is Tiffany.I'm a single working mom. I have a little boy who is 8 months, almost 9. I love music, video games, movies, books, drawing, writing, etc. You can ask me almost anything about myself and I'll answer it.

I'm currently trying to focus on getting in shape, being healthier. I'd like to be able to actually play with my son but at 213.6 lbs that's not happening. Seriously, I just weighed myself. It's not my highest but hey, I was pregnant then. :-)

My goal is to be healthier but I have an issue that also factors in. I don't want to either give up because it's not going according to plan, or go too far into an unhealthy bad thing. I've tried starving myself before. I didn't lose weight. That's not healthy.

So I hope that maybe you guys can keep me in check. Also I'm going to be keeping in contact with my friend kenny, who is also working on getting healthier. This blog isn't going to be just about that, but it is a part of my life.

If I don't update my weight and health stuff at least once a week i hope you guys yell at me. :-)
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My real first post

Hello and welcome to my new blog. I'm just going to post whatever my happy little life throws my way here and I guess whoever the heck wants to read it can.

Introduction to myself. My name is Tiffany.I'm a single working mom. I have a little boy who is 8 months, almost 9. I love music, video games, movies, books, drawing, writing, etc. You can ask me almost anything about myself and I'll answer it.

I'm currently trying to focus on getting in shape, being healthier. I'd like to be able to actually play with my son but at 213.6 lbs that's not happening. Seriously, I just weighed myself. It's not my highest but hey, I was pregnant then. :-)

My goal is to be healthier but I have an issue that also factors in. I don't want to either give up because it's not going according to plan, or go too far into an unhealthy bad thing. I've tried starving myself before. I didn't lose weight. That's not healthy.

So I hope that maybe you guys can keep me in check. Also I'm going to be keeping in contact with my friend kenny, who is also working on getting healthier. This blog isn't going to be just about that, but it