My Weight Loss Tracker

30 December 2011

I'm kind of annoyed

So we have this work website that has a blog on it and they post comments from people who work for the company on the blog. I'm kind of annoyed, ticked off, pissed off, actually, that I'm sick of my comments being rejected for the blog. I write a comment, it goes on the blog, other people write comments with differing views than mine, some downright attacking my views, I write another comment, it gets rejected, I write another comment, it gets rejected, other people try to write comments, they get rejected, and so here I am left to blog on my own blog all about for irate I am about this entire fucking thing!


my comment that was rejected (with slight editing for quality purposes and any parenthesis held therein are my own comments on it, not part of the original comment)

Ok, for the record I'm not "looking down" on the people using EBT for assistance. And it's one thing to give your family a treat. It's a completely different thing to have a cart full of processed junk food and very little or absolutely NO fruit and veg. I'm not saying that people need to live off of bread, water, and cheese. I'm saying that people need to be smarter about what they are putting in their cart, on their table, feeding their children, because there is a reason 2/3 of the american population is overweight/obese. (that might be incorrect, but I remember hearing that, I know 1/3 are obese, it seems about right that another third would be overweight but not obese, leaving the final 1/3 to be normal or underweight) It quite possibly has very little to do with the AMOUNTS of food we are consuming but much more to do with the TYPES of food we are consuming. I've said it before and I've got no problems saying it again. I have studied foods, nutrition labels, websites with nutrition facts, watched shows like supersize vs superskinny on bbc4, jamie oliver's food revolution, etc. and it's all about the RIGHT kinds of foods in the RIGHT amounts to get the RIGHT nutrition for your body to run off of and a cart full of WHITE bread and WHITE rice and (chips, snack cakes, soda pop, etc.) boxed pre-packaged meals with TONS of SUGAR and HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP and SATURATED FAT and SODIUM is NOT HEALTHY!!! I'm not saying a bar of chocolate once in a while or a can of coke once a week is going to kill you but our western diets are clogging our arteries, raising our blood pressure, killiong our immune systems, giving us diabetes, and making us overweight which in and of itself causes a lot of health problems up to and including certain cancers. Not that my eating is much better but that is because I have an eating disorder, which I've said before. I restrict myself for the most part by only allowing myself a certain number of calories in the day. I'm doing a little bit better but it's all in baby steps made forcing myself to eat 3-4 times a day and a minimum of 1500 calories and not weighing myself more than once a week, which again is something I've mentioned in previous comments on previous blog posts. I've only been making these baby steps for about 3 or a bit more weeks and I'm still counting everything I'm eating but at least I'm eating more. (I probably could have left that whole bit out since I've mentioned most of it before, and it was a bit... self-focused?) My eating disorder is a numbers game that is really wreaking havoc on my life but that doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to good and bad benefits of food. Because believe me, if you ask anyone who has an eating disorder about food we might have a distorted view of personal body image and a screwy view of even the good fats but anything else and we usually know as much or more than a professional nutritionist about what is healthy and what food items contain in the way of essential vitamins and minerals. And back to the EBT issue, I'm saying that I would have very little qualms with accepting state assistance with my grocery bill IF THEY WOULD HELP ME!!! Which as I said I get WIC checks and I get state medical for my son to cover what my insurance otherwise wouldn't cover. And I didn't say the award was a bad thing since someone said "I wouldn't see it as a bad thing" (they actually said something not quite in those words, but basically that was the gist) but instead I was pointing out that while our store is donating unused food to the local food banks, some of their workers are then GOING to said local food banks and I wondered if they realized that. As for the person who said what the minimum wage in ohio was, it's cheaper to live in the midwest than it is to live here which is part of the reason your minimum wage is lower. Washington state has one of the highest minimum wages in the entire united states. I have no issues with people who accept state assistance. I've received EBT benefits before. I'm currently receiving some benefits not including EBT. Maybe you should reread what I said in my last comment. I wish I could get EBT benefits so I could put MORE of the fresh unprocessed and healthier foods on my table for myself and my son. I take a little bit of pride (a little bit not because I take little pride in it, but because I can only provide so much...) in the fact that I feed my son as much healthy food as I possibly can. And we'll just see if this gets posted...

That being said, You don't get the other comments or my first comment or anything else because 1. I don't have that at the moment, and 2. that's their post, not mine to publish anywhere else. Yes, I'm kind of ticked off that people mis-interpreted my initial comment. I said something about how our store on the website has a post about they donate food that is still good but unable to be sold in the stores anymore, to a company or something that then gets it to the local food banks. I said that's great that we aren't wasting food, but brought into it, do they realize their workers are going to the food banks to help make ends meet. I mentioned my frustration that I see people going through the checkout lines with tons of junk food, not everyone, but some of them, and then paying with EBT cards. For those who don't know, EBT cards are Electronic Benefits Cards used by people receiving state assistance with things like Food Stamps. Instead of giving out little booklets of dollar amounts of bills, you get basically a debit card that you can only use for the specific allowed items that you can get with food stamps, or sometimes you also get cash benefits. Some people took what I said to be that I was looking down on these people for having EBT cards, for needing state assistance, for asking for help, which was not what I was saying at all. I was not upset at them getting the help they needed. I was upset with what kinds of food are allowed on this, and what some people buy with their cards. WIC is 1000% a better program as you are only allowed the specific food items listed and only certain foods are even acceptable for that. You get milk, cheese, cereal (only specific cereals like plain life, cheerios, kix) eggs, peanut butter, beans, peas, lentils, juice, etc. You can't get a sack of potato chips or a 12 pack of coke with a WIC check, that unhealthy stuff isn't allowed. I'm even more ticked off that my reply, the comment you got to read above, albeit a bit long and a bit unrelated to the blog itself but full of great stuff in my personal opinion (as if I would have another than my own personal one... O.o), was rejected. Maybe later on I'll feel a little less pissed off and resentful towards this censorship, or maybe I'll start to really agree that it probably wasn't all that related and see that they had a point in refusing to post it. Maybe later on I'll be like "yeah, maybe I shouldn't have said that" even here on my blog. But for not, this is how I feel, raw and uncensored. Take it for what it is....

oh, and I added this to the bottom of my blog itself in it's entirety, but just to be on the safe side and cover my ass, the brilliant "PR" people at my work would like us to say.....
Everything on this blog is my personal opinion and not necessarily the opinion of the Kroger Co. family of stores or any of it's affiliates.

I'm Whispering

I'm whispering
I do not want this
This obsession
This slowly drifting
This destruction
I do not want this
The scale
The mirror
The pants size
I'm whispering
Like the voice inside
I do not want this
The loathing voice
It lies
I know it lies
But it never
Shuts up
Keeps going and going
Until the voice
The sweet voice
The cruel sweet voice
It convinces me
Convinces me it's true
Not lies
I'm whispering
Logic doesn't fit
It's a number game
But logic and pounds
Logic and calories
They do not fit
They do not mix
If they did I would be thin
I'm whispering
Disordered eating
Eating disorders
Where do I fit?
Where do I fit?
I'm whispering
Too fat for ana
Not quite mia
Never just B.E.D.
Just right for confusing everyone
We confuse people
We confuse ourselves
I'm whispering
The world sees fat me
They do not see
This obsession
My secret
Until I share
They look at me
Look me over
And why not?
Why wouldn't they be?
Fat girls don't look like they don't eat
I'm whispering
I'm falling apart
Tearing at the seams
Crumbling inside
Where nobody sees
And outside
I'm whispering
Those who know
Get worried
Get annoyed
Get frustrated
Those who don't
Don't see
Don't hear
Don't know
Say hurtful comments
They don't know
I'm whispering
They don't know
They say things
The comments
I feel hurt
They don't know
I feel acknowledgment
I feel pain
Confirmation of the voice
The cruel sweet voice
They don't know
Even the ones who know don't know
They don't know the compulsion
Don't know the upset
The painful words
They belittle
They don't understand
They've never known what it's like
I hope and pray
Oh how I do
That they never know
Never go through this
Never know my struggle firsthand
I would not wish this hell on my worst enemy
I'm whispering
Not enough
Not thin enough
Not good enough
Not smart enough
Not pretty enough
Never enough
Not even disordered enough
Not if nobody sees
"You have an eating disorder?"
Yes, I do
Can't you see it?
Through my fat girl exterior?
See how pretty and thin I want to be?
See how desperate it makes me?
See the damage?
Physical damage?
Psychological damage?
Can't you see it?
No? No.
Didn't think so.
So I'm not even good enough for that
I'm whispering
Not enough
Never enough
Never ever enough
And your words cut to the bone
I'm whispering
I want to get better
I want to lose weight
I want to be healthy
I want to be thin
I want to be beautiful
I'm whispering
I want to be healthy
But oh so much I want to be thin
Whatever it takes
Thin thin thin
Not Bony, just thin
But you think I like this?
You think I want this?
Think I don't want to be healthy?
Think I don't want to get better?
I want both
I want to be thin
And free from obsession
I want
I want
No fear
No binges
I want
No purges
No obsessions
I want
No counting
No scales
No put downs
I want
No worrying others
No annoying others
No frustrating others
None of my disorder
I want none of my disorder
I want no disorder
I want none of it
I'm whispering
I don't know what to do
I'm trying
I'm eating
But I'm counting
I'm weighing
Less often
I'm obsessing
A lot
But I'm trying
I'm really trying
I'm making small strides
Baby steps
I'm whispering
Is it enough?
No, never enough
So what do I do?
What should I do?
What can I do?
What can I do but try?
What can I do more?
There's more I could do
Always is
Talk about it
Talk talk talk
Talk to people who might help
Professional people
Maybe get help
A doctor
What doctor?
I don't have a doctor
I get anxious
I don't like doctors
I don't want to talk
Not to a doctor
Especially not one I don't know
Anxious just considering it
They poke
They prod
With fingers
Anxiety rising
Maybe want to see your body
Anxiety rising more
I can feel the panic just thinking about it
No, not a doctor
But I should
Oh I should
And I could
But what can I do?
Conquer my anxiety?
Conquer my fears?
Maybe later
But for now
What can I do but keep whispering?
Still not enough
Never enough
Never ever enough
So still
I'm whispering
As my whisper becomes a scream

14 December 2011

Maybe.... it isn't that big of a deal?

I'm sitting here telling myself "It's wednesday, it's wednesday, I gave myself permission to weigh myself ONLY on friday. And I'm staring at the edge of the scale, in case I didn't mention before, on top of my kitchen cupboards. I'm just.. freaking out, but why? Because I WANT to know if eating more has made me gain weight. I feel like I ate like a pig today and I still need to eat dinner. And all I had was some ham, potatoes, green beans, baked beans, a roll with some butter, and a tiny sliver of pumpkin pie, some popcorn (like a handful or 2) and about 3/4 of a large pepperoni pizza. Which isn't bad and probably balances out perfectly averagely for the whole week I've been eating. But I can't even calculate out the calories and I'm trying to tell myself it's ok that I can't.

Normal people don't try to calculate and count every single calorie they put into their mouth making overestimates by 5+ calories for the non-exact amounts. Normal people just eat when they are hungry. And is it really necessary to weigh myself? What happens if the scale says I gained weight? Is that going to send me back into the old ways? Maybe, or maybe not. Maybe I'd just be like "eh, gotta kick it up a little bit here" or maybe I'd be like "SEE!!! I GAINED WEIGHT!!!!" and freak out. And if I lost weight would it really reinforce the eating habits? Or would it just tell me something I want to see to be more... weird about eating more?

The reality is that it both matters and doesn't matter what the scale says. I don't like eating right now. I feel sick to my stomach after I eat anything substantial. I feel like every time I burp after I've eaten a decent amount it's going to come back up involuntarily. And apparently that should get better with time. I want to know if I've lost weight or gained weight. I'm so worried that I'm over 200 again now. But at the same time, I don't want to be controlled by what I weigh. But also I want to be skinnier. I don't want to be anorexic, I've never once in my life thought that ribs and hip bones were pretty, but I do think that having my colarbone at least identifiable as to it's location without simple "knowing it's there" or poking at it to figure out what is it and what is the rest of my shoulder might be nice... Not like... anorexic-ish tho... If that makes sense?

The thing is that whether the scale is there or not, whether I know the number or not, the way I behave about all of this is off, and taking away the scale and the number on it isn't going to change anything. Someone on the forum said in a post I saw that their therapist said that they should judge their size by the way their clothes are fitting, not by the number on the scale. But for me, the number on the scale is needing to go down before I can gauge my size by my clothes fitting right or not. I know that seems odd, but it's like whether I have the scale or not, I know what pants size I wear and I don't like that. I don't like my current size and I feel like all of it, including my weight, is bringing me down. I feel like while I need to be healthy about all of this, I still need to lose weight, but I also need to do it the right way. And that does mean that I need the scale.

Why do I need the scale? I know, I just said that the scale can't rule me. And I know that the way the scale can't rule me is by using it in a healthy manor to gauge how I am doing, and to have the self-control not to weigh myself any more than I allow myself to. I haven't weighed myself since friday morning, right before I put it up. And I only weighed myself then so that I would have a reference point to remember to weigh myself this friday. I promise promise promise that whatever the scale says on friday will NOT make me eat less than 1500 calories a day. I won't let it. The scale will not rule me.

12 December 2011

And more eating... and other stuff

Anyone noticing a pattern here?

So for breakfast I had 2 more peanut butter granola bars (there are 2 in a pack) and 2/3 of a banana and a starbucks via iced coffee for about 330 calories. I had the late lunch today, so I ate a multigrain bagel with reduced fat cream cheese and had a passion tea with 1/2 the sweetener for about 450. Lunch was an apple, 1/2 tuna sandwich, and a can of chili adding up to about 750. After work I made some pasta, put a "forkful" of pesto that was in the fridge on it, and ate a 2oz package of lunchmeat with it for a "nice" addition of about 350 calories.

For a grand total of........ about 1880

Anyway, today was decent, I suppose. I woke up a bit late, but I actually felt, for the most part, decently rested all day. Well, no, today actually really sucked. After yesterday with the burrito and the taco bell I was feeling really shit about food altogether and then had a conversation about good fats and stuff right before bed, which just carried over in my brain all day today. And I'm kinda pissed off that I had the late lunch and ate the bagel from starbucks even though it was a multigrain whole grain healthy thing. And that sucks.

I'm really not looking forward to my shift on christmas eve either. I get to close the night before, then I'm working at 10am the next day. I wonder if I'm working a fuel center shift or not. I'm never awake at 10am... I don't know,  it sucks. but at least I'm getting..... 7.5-8 hours that day I guess.

I don't know, I guess I really don't have anything "exciting" to blog about today.

11 December 2011

Well, I'm eating, for what it's worth..

So day before yesterday I had breakfast of eggs, toast, a bit over half an orange, and coffee, a lunch of a bag of pre-made salad, a can of progresso light beef pot roast soup, and a yogurt, and then when I came home from work I had a grilled cheese sandwich and some tomato soup. Altogether added up it was 1615 calories. I did have yogurt and cheese even though I said I was cutting out the dairy, but I also said I wasn't officially starting til after I got paid friday and could go grocery shopping.

So yesterday I had a package of nature valley peanut butter granola bars and coffee and... I only ate 1 slice of the orange I cut up for breakfast, for lunch I had half a tuna sandwich with tuna mustard onion and celery, a tomato, progresso lentil soup (the last of my progresso soups actually) and another yogurt. After I got off work so that I wasn't grocery shopping "hungry" even though I was only marginally hungry, I got a $1 hamburger from jack in the box and a hamburger kid's meal for my son, I wound up eating half his hamburger because he kept sharing with me. I don't think he was very hungry though, he usually isn't when he comes back from his dad's house. Then when I got home from grocery shopping I made a act II mini bag of popcorn and shared that with alex.

I spent more at the grocery store than I meant to, but I got flax seeds, olive oil and veg oil (I was out of both) fresh ground peanut butter, long grain brown rice, loads of veggies, some lunch meat for making sandwiches-the kind that are only $0.50 each and are in 2oz packages.... oh, and I got 5 dozen eggs that are good til jan 14, and juice and milk for alex. and then I spent $1.50 in the machine leaving the store trying to get him a little stuffie out of the claw machine, those things are such a rip off... But anyway, about $70 later, but with probably enough food to feed me for... like 2 weeks, and a new book... my kitchen is stocked up with a million reasons I half don't want it to be and I'm half also ok with it...

Today I had a piece of toast with a little peanut butter and some flax seeds sprinkled on top, and a cup of coffee for breakfast. I forgot my lunch at home so I bought a can of soup, an apple, a bag of frozen veggies, and a deli burrito. The burrito's calories really set me on edge, and then on the way home I got Taco Bell because I was like "fuck it! I already ate the burrito!" so.... I had approximately 2000 calories, actually.... wow... I thought it was more.... esp with the taco bell...

Taco Bell was 880 calories according to their website, so ugh.... but the toast is 80 cal, the peanut butter, I didn't even have a tablespoon, I barely put enough on to smear across it, and the flax seeds, I estimated that to being 75 (probably a high estimation) and 50 calories for the coffee. the burrito I'm estimating was 500 since it didn't have a calorie label, the soup was 2.5 servings of 70 cal. and the apple I looked up online and a medium size apple is 68 cal. and the bag of veggies was 4 servings of 45 cal each. And all of that totals out to 2008 calories.

I'm taking the lunch I forgot today in to work for lunch tomorrow, Well, day 3... went decent? I don't know, I thought when I had breakfast I should have eaten more, but by the end of the night (mostly thanks to the burrito and Taco Bell) I actually WAY exceeded 1500 calories... hmm... bleh... I guess that's it for this blog post.

08 December 2011

My healthy eating plan

I decided that I have to make a plan to eat better. I need to eat more, be healthier.

So to start with...
The Rules!
-No Skipping meals
-No excuses if I slip up
-No lies
-No purging
-No refined sugar
-No high fructose corn syrup
-No soda
-No fruit juice
-No Dairy
-No "white" grains (I'm racist :P)
-No excessive (more than 3x a week) weight checking
-Try to consume a minimum of 1500 calories
-Exercise at least 250 calories worth

A whole grain such as a piece of whole grain toast, a whole grain cereal, etc.
A protein such as 2 egg whites, turkey sausage, canadian bacon, etc.
1 serving of fruit
16 oz. water

1 serving veggie
1 serving whole grain
8 oz. water

1/2 sandwich (2oz meat, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickle, mustard, etc.)
Salad w/ light non-creamy dressing
16 oz. water

1 serving fruit
1 serving whole grain
8 oz. water

1 serving protein
1 serving whole grain
1 serving veggie
16 oz. water

Basically, I can vary this plan enough to make it not get monotonous. And it's going to give me my full amount of water every day, about 5 servings of whole grains, 5 servings of veggies, 2 servings of fruit, and 3 servings of protein.

I discussed it with my boyfriend, and he approves of the plan, which makes me feel even better about finally laying it out like this. I can't REALLY start doing it fully until after I get paid friday and can get some groceries, but now that I have it all laid out, I have no reason other than my brain's issues not to try my hardest to follow it and BE HEALTHIER!!!!

It's not going to be easy, but I'm going to try. Hard.

06 December 2011

50/50 today

I'm not really sure how I feel today. I woke up early this morning to go to the food bank, and realized as I was getting ready that the rent I thought I'd turned in on saturday was still sitting on my mantle. I cried, had a mini panic attack, etc. Got alex ready to go and went to the office, where the lady was super nice and didn't charge me a late fee, she said "Think of it as a Merry Christmas, and don't let it happen again." So that was nice.

Last night I talked to a friend I haven't talked to much lately and I told him about my issues I've been having more of lately a bit. I pointed out to my boyfriend that in my last blog I admitted I've been purging again since sometime I think in october. Not much, but any is too much and I know that. The boyfriend made me promise not to do it anymore, which makes me feel super pressured and makes me feel like I'm going to fail. Not that I want to fail. I want to get better, be healthier, stop being so super focused on food, stop all this CRAP. It is just that I have this fear of failing, and I just think if I don't start doing something then I can't really fail. If I don't make a promise, I can't fail to keep it. If I don't do the homework, then I didn't really fail the class because I never actually tried not to. I know, flawed logic.... Anyway, then I fell asleep while I was talking to him, I'd only had about 5 hours of sleep and alex was taking a nap next to me and I guess I just fell asleep.

So far today I've had a blueberry toaster waffle, a can of chilli, and a bunch of sweet potato fries with ketchup. I've estimated that to being about 1300 calories, which isn't the greatest, but it's a heck of a lot closer to the 1500 minimum that Leslie thinks I should be eating every day than I normally get. And I haven't felt super gross, I felt icky after I ate the chilli, but not SUPER gross... Which is a major improvement since actually the last time I purged was after I ate chilli last time...

And I went off on a post on the forum today. Someone said their dad's eating grossed them out because he ate like 650-750 calories for breakfast. I told them that if he's an adult male eating a MINIMUM of 2000 calories a day, divided by 3 meals, 650 calories is actually about perfect. I went on to say my eating habits are shit and I don't abide by that, but they said that it was an eggplant thing and some pasta. Veggies and pasta are healthy. It's not like he was eating a double quarter pounder with cheese meal large size with a coke for breakfast...

And while I've had about 1300 calories so far, I'm also not going to bed immediately, so I could easily tip the number up a tad... If I don't convince myself that the tons of fries I just ate, while sweet potatos, were awful and I don't need to eat ANYTHING else.... Which would be typical of me...

I told myself I wasn't going to step on the scale today either, I did yesterday, and I was going to do it friday, only on friday. Not before then. I have this habit of getting all super addicted to stepping on the scale. Which can be bad when I'm super focused on "I want to be thin" and often times stepping on the scale daily does not reflect positively every day. And when I go down I feel on top of the world, and when I go up... even just half a pound.... oh I feel awful. Which is why it was super stupid of me to step on it today since I went down again. You would think it would be the opposite. Going down in weight should be a good thing. But it's not because in my mind it means that everything I have been doing, even though not meeting what goals I really should be, is "good" in my mind. It's "working"..... until I weigh in again (hopefully friday and not tomorrow) and I go back up a tiny bit...

And actually I'm putting off making an actual eating plan because I know once I do that I'll have no excuses not to follow it other than the stupid ones I make up in my head, because it's right there laid out and easy to follow. "easy" to follow. Everything related to food and eating and exercise is hard for me. I don't know why my brain is just unable to see things for what they really are. Food is good. Food can be healthy or unhealthy. You can eat too much of anything just the same way you can eat too little of anything, and either way is bad and unhealthy, even if you are eating healthy foods. And even as I type that and know that the facts are there, I still can't look at it and see it that way. I'm reminded of the phrase "Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip"

05 December 2011

more crap crap crap crap crap about the same crap...

I feel like all I ever blog about anymore is food and eating and weight and that it's all just this sick chronicle that I'm recording for myself to look back on and say "yup, I'm pathetic" later on. But it's what seems to be on my mind a lot when I sit down and start to blog.

Earlier today I wrote down some stuff and then I was in the breakroom on my lunch, and I said something about farmville, yes, I play. My manager/friend was sitting next to me with his girlfriend and he said something like "well that's sad. First off, you forgot you planted crops, and second, you're playing farmville" and I replied something like "there are far more pathetic things in my life then farmville, such as this" and held out the piece of paper, on which I had written most of my last blog.... Don't ask me why I did it, I have no clue. Anyway, we got into a lovely conversation that wasn't excessively in depth, but was a little more personal than I'd have liked to have had while I was attempting to consume my bagel with cheese, and my soup. Which in case anyone wondered, other than my cup of coffee and a small bit of cake alex fed me, was all I ate today.

What I'm realizing, however, is the more I talk about my eating issues here, and on the forum that I joined, the less... closeted I'm being about all of it. Today just showed me that I'm at least capable of telling someone who is somewhat close to me about it. I don't know who reads my blog, but I'm telling all of you all about it too. And I know it needs to change. I know people worry about me and want me to be healthy and etc. But I also read something interesting tonight on the forum.

I need people who care to support me. Not support my ED, me. I am not my disorder.

And the thing I'm wondering about right now? What is the real difference between ednos and ana/mia? What defines someone as being ana/mia that doesn't define ednos? And since every ana/mia must have started out as ednos, why don't more places and people recognize ednos as equally bad? Like people are saying that sometimes a clinic will turn someone with ednos away saying that they don't need help as badly as someone else because they have a normal bmi or don't purge often enough, but they are seeking help just the same. Isn't it better to seek help before you go from ednos to full blown ana/mia?

And here I am, the pathetic fat cow restricter who binges every once in a while and purges even less then that and doesn't lose any weight but steps on the scale about a minimum of once a day up to 3 times a day, just to check. You know, just in case. Fucking pathetic. Most days, it's just easier to look in the mirror and hate everything I see then to try to find a single thing worth appreciating.

I like my feet.... gah..... I'm so self loathing I'm hating myself for it.... oh the irony......

EDNOS - We confuse people.

I read this (the title) on the forums at and it rings true in my life so much. People don't understand EDNOS.. And this is my personal assessment of my issues

You know you have EDNOS when...
-You aren't thin enough to be anorexic and don't purge enough to be bulimic.
-You give up on your ED for a few days only to renew your strength 3x what it was after you gain/lose x lbs. Then give up again 2 weeks later.
-You don't look sick. You don't look like you have an eating disorder. So you can hide it easier behind a "diet"
-You binge and purge. You binge and don't purge. You restrict and purge. You chew/spit. You fast. You don't lose weight.
-You look at pasta with pesto and salad with full fat ranch dressing and gag at all the fat and oil, then binge on large mcd's fries later.
-You scarf down 2 plates of thanksgiving dinner, 4 half slices of pie, and bite of cake and a cookie promising to restrict after. 3 days later eat birthday cake promising to restrict more. 3 days later eat half a pie.
-Lose 5 lbs. Eating "normal"... Restrict again. Gain back 5 lbs.
-Make rules and plans and charts and goals... Fail.
-When there is a constant battle in your head of thinking you are fine because you don't look sick but knowing you are
-Sometimes giving up for a little on your ED but then missing it and coming back
-Crying because you aren't normal weight not even fucking overweight but obese
-Eating less than 1000 calories every day for a week, stepping on the scale, seeing you've gained 2lbs, binging on fries at mcd's, stepping on the scale the next morning, you've lost 5lbs since the morning before... wtf...
-Cringing when you realize that the "light" yogurt your friend got you has 140 calories more than the "lowcarb" yogurt you usually eat, but forcing yourself to eat it anyway because your friend got it just for you.

A month in the life of EDNOS
A "fictional" but only slightly so depiction of what life might be like when you have EDNOS (restrict means less than 1000 calories for me)

Day 1 - Binge then promise to restrict and check weight daily.
Day 2 - Eat normal breakfast, restrict rest of day
Day 3 - Restrict
Day 4 - Restrict all day, binge at dinner, feel sick, purge.
Day 5 - Restrict
Day 6 - Restrict, chew/spit to curb desire to binge.
Day 7 - Weigh in, gained 2 lbs, binge to feel better, actually feel worse
Days 8-10 - Give up. Eat "normal"
Day 11 - Weigh in, lost 3 lbs, renewed force restriction.
Day 12 - Restrict
Day 13 - Restrict. Dinner binge, feel sick, purge
Day 14 - Binge
Days 15-18 - Frustration at binge, restrict, c/s, doing "good"
Day 19 - Binge, feel sick, purge, binge again, no purge
Days 20-24 - Weigh in, gained 3 lbs back, give up, eat "normal"
Days 25-29 - Weigh in, lost 2lbs, renewed force restriction
Day 30 - Binge...

I'm just a super messed up person...

30 November 2011

The 12 Days of Geekmas

So last year I made a blog post called The 12 Days of Trekmas which I enjoyed writing, and this year, I decided to write another wonderful rendition of the 12 days........


On the First day of Geekmas my true love sent to me...
A really badass chemistry lab

On the Second day of Geekmas my true love sent to me...
Two Periodic Tables
And a really badass chemistry lab

On the Third day of Geekmas my true love sent to me...
Three physics books
Two Periodic Tables
And a really badass chemistry lab

On the Fourth day of Geekmas my true love sent to me...
Four astronomy books
Three physics books
Two Periodic Tables
And a really badass chemistry lab

On the Fifth day of Geekmas my true love sent to me...
Five comic books
Four astronomy books
Three physics books
Two Periodic Tables
And a really badass chemistry lab

On the Sixth day of Geekmas my true love sent to me...
Six DNA model kits
Five comic books
Four astronomy books
Three physics books
Two Periodic Tables
And a really badass chemistry lab

On the Seventh day of Geekmas my true love sent to me...
Seven pairs of safety goggles
Six DNA model kits
Five comic books
Four astronomy books
Three physics books
Two Periodic Tables
And a really badass chemistry lab

On the Eighth day of Geekmas my true love sent to me...
Eight planet surface maps
Seven pairs of safety goggles
Six DNA model kits
Five comic books
Four astronomy books
Three physics books
Two Periodic Tables
And a really badass chemistry lab

On the Ninth day of Geekmas my true love sent to me...
Nine Amazon gift cards
Eight planet surface maps
Seven pairs of safety goggles
Six DNA model kits
Five comic books
Four astronomy books
Three physics books
Two Periodic Tables
And a really badass chemistry lab

On the Tenth day of Geekmas my true love sent to me...
Ten sci-fi DVD's
Nine Amazon gift cards
Eight planet surface maps
Seven pairs of safety goggles
Six DNA model kits
Five comic books
Four astronomy books
Three physics books
Two Periodic Tables
And a really badass chemistry lab

On the Eleventh day of Geekmas my true love sent to me...
Eleven collectible action figures
Ten sci-fi DVD's
Nine Amazon gift cards
Eight planet surface maps
Seven pairs of safety goggles
Six DNA model kits
Five comic books
Four astronomy books
Three physics books
Two Periodic Tables
And a really badass chemistry lab

On the Twelfth day of Geekmas my true love sent to me...
Twelve ThinkGeek t-shirts
Eleven collectible action figures
Ten sci-fi DVD's
Nine Amazon gift cards
Eight planet surface maps
Seven pairs of safety goggles
Six DNA model kits
Five comic books
Four astronomy books
Three physics books
Two Periodic Tables
And a really badass chemistry lab

23 November 2011

This survey knows me very well...

Eating - low riskYou really know how to eat well -- and healthy! That's great!

Right, because anyone who knows me and follows my blog knows I eat so well, right? Wanna hear about what I've had today? A vanilla chai low carb yogurt and a starbucks "chonga" bagel with cream cheese, deli turkey, 1 roma tomato, and 2 packets of mustard, and a venti brewed coffee with gingerbread spice and half and half.

That might be healthy (minus all the empty calories from the coffee sweetener) if it was for 1 meal, and not an entire day's worth of caloric intake. And all their tips are to cut calories and exercise more and watch your portion sizes and.... and...... and.................................................. and I can cut more calories, but that doesn't mean I should.

edit-add on 4 frozen blueberry waffles just now

17 October 2011

The Cannibalism of Critters

So a while back I was thinking about the praying mantis and how the female eats the male during and shortly after copulation and I was curious as to whether or not this always happened. I wondered if it was a necessary part of the mating process or if it was simply something they did. And if it was a necessary part, what made it necessary?

Well, I looked up some information and discovered something interesting. Copulation Canibalism is not necessary for the praying mantis, but it is simply the nearest source of nutrition for the female's prospective children. Sometimes the male gets away, if he is quick enough. Sometimes the female starts eating him during reproduction. Sometimes it is after.

But the MOST interesting things I found were about other such critters. There is one that in order to ensure that no other male will follow after them they break off their penis. This holds their sperm inside and prevents another male from mating with that female. Most of them just ate their mates for nutritional value post-copulation.

11 October 2011

The making of Halloween Costumes! (part 1)

This year I decided that I really wanted to be a fairy after seeing a fairy costume at my work and I wracked my brain for something that I could do with Alex so that I could be a fairy. I think it's cute to have matching/coordinated halloween outfits and last year we were both pirates. So I thought and I thought and I thought and I came up with something I think will work out well.

King Oberon and Queen Titania of the fairies from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream.

So here I am to document the costume making at every stage! First I had to plot out how I was going to make my nearly 2 year old son a Fairy King without making him completely hate me for it when he gets older and sees the pictures. I tried to look up costumes online but came up empty handed with anything that wasn't overly girly seeming or seriously impossible for me to make on a budget until I found one picture, that I can't find again for the life of me, of a guy wearing something like a long sleeved shirt under a tunic decorated with leaves, matching pants, and a crown. I don't remember if he had wings on or not, but that costume is the basis of what I'm making Alex's costume look like.

For my costume, one of my coworkers gave me a pretty white skirt that she was going to donate to goodwill which I quickly decided to use for part of my outfit. It's a little small for me but fits if I hook it up high on my waist instead of where it's supposed to be. I'm going to dye that red and then make a top to go with that out of the same fabric I'm using to make Alex's tunic and pants.

So... I went to the dollar tree 2 days ago on my lunch break at work and I bought 2 leaf garlands and 1 bunch of flowers, several things of glitter glue, 2 pairs of green wings, some glow stick fairy wands, some Mardi Gras looking necklaces, some ribbon, some foam sheets, and probably some other stuff I don't remember... And then today (10/10) I went to goodwill and I made out darn good if I do say so myself. I got 2 long sleeved shirts for Alex (one to go under his tunic that he can also wear any other day too) and 2 pairs of pants for Alex, a stuffed frog with a zipper pouch that I let Alex pick out, a dark green flat sheet, and a really pretty see through purple thing with swirls and flowers design on it that I think is supposed to be a table runner. Anyway, I got all that for $11.13 and not on sale it all would have been about $30 but they were having a 1 day only orange tag sale - 50% off of everything that was orange tag, and every red tag item was on sale for $1.29

So here's some pictures of the stuff before I did anything to any of it....
The skirt Laurie gave me
The "table runner"? Folded up
Alex's new shirt
The dark green flat sheet
All the stuff I got, glitter glue, ribbon, foam board, pipe cleaners, etc.
The glow wands, flowers, leaves, and wings
Closeup of the flowers and leaves
closeup of the glitter glue and stuff
closeup of the ribbon 
closeup and singular view of one of the pairs of wings
The box of dye for the skirt (and alex sitting back there, cutie)

So right now the skirt is in the dryer but it doesn't look "scarlet" though, it looks more pink than anything else. I'm going to see what it looks like after it's dry and see what it looks like with the dark green and the purple before I decide whether or not I want to try and dye it again. I got a dark green rit dye that I can take back into work and swap for a refund or if I want, another scarlet since I don't need it as I got a big dark green flat sheet (pictures and mentioned above) instead.

In case you can't tell, I'm making this as I'm typing this blog, lol. And I think it looks ok still. The skirt is like a salmon pink color now, not a scarlet, but it still looks ok with the green and purple. I'm working on making mine and Alex's wings different from how they originally were, different from each other, and making Alex's more boy appropriate. I know, fairy wings on a boy just aren't going to be excessively masculine, but I can at least make an attempt as LESS feminine. But either way they are sparkly. :) 

I'm also working on making Alex's pants and tunic out of the sheet as we speak. To make the tunic it was pretty easy to figure out the measurements. I wrapped my measuring tape around his middle then did the same from his shoulder down. So I'm cutting a chunk out of the sheet that is going to measure 28" long and 13" wide. From his shoulders down to the bottom of his shirt was 12" but I want it to be a little longer than his shirt is and also I want to have some room to hem it. Around his middle was 22" which divided is 11" but also I want it to overlap a little and still have a little bit extra to add a hem. Also I want to give it a little bit of room just in case I make a mistake cutting it. The pants are going to be a little more difficult. I remember the way I made my pajama pants when I was in high school and that's how I'm making his pants. First I need to measure him from his waist to his ankles, then I need to measure around his waist, then I need to measure the inseam (crotch to ankle), and then his thigh. Once that is done, I'll need to add a little bit for seams, a little bit at the waist to fold over for a drawstring, a little bit for hems, etc. And then I'll need to make a pattern out of paper, cut it out, and sew it. And hopefully it'll fit him. LOL.

I'll post more later <3

10 October 2011

What is Beauty?

Beautiful adj. Having qualities that delight the senses, especially the sense of sight.

So it really is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There is nothing that says one person is more beautiful than another or a certain shirt is more beautiful. If a person finds that something is beautiful, then it has served it's purpose. So why is there so much debate surrounding whether or not a person is beautiful? And why am I the one that is debating what is?

How could any girl honestly be confidant and secure with the media and society shoving down our throats that we just aren't good enough and even if a girl is, even if she is the right size and has the right hair and wears the right clothes, if they gain or lose a little weight it's all over blown totally out of proportion. No wonder so many people have image issues. No wonder so many women wish they were thinner even if they are normal sized. The pressure to be as beautiful as the people we see in magazines and on tv and all over is so immense. And maybe it isn't from men who seem to increasingly say they dislike the stick figures, but other women are cruel sometimes too. I think it was tyra banks who did an episode on her talk show about girls being super mean to other girls. Girls are mean...

I'm insecure. That is always what sums up everything I've typed on here lately. My blog has become a list of my dramatic insecurities. What I eat, what I don't eat, what I say, what I don't say, what I do, what I don't do, what I wish I did.... The issues on top of issues on top of issues that I can type day in and day out about and never say anything truly worth reading.

So what is beautiful to you?

07 October 2011

Ok, back to the "diet" talk. Reality check? Yup!

And no, leslie, I'm not using the word "diet" as an activity. Diet refers to what you eat, and I eat CRAP! Not literally, obviously, but I either eat junk, kinda ok, or not at all. Which yes, is pretty unhealthy, and no, isn't helping me lose any of this weight and yes, is probably ultimately hurting me. I guess it's time to go on to the bits of what this post is really going to be.

This is my reality check here and now.

Hello world, my name is Tiffany and I have really shitty eating habits and probably most likely pretty much definitely have an eating disorder. Yay me! There, I said it. And oddly, even though I'm not a tiny little twiggy stick thing, my eating issues are NOT overeating. Ok, so sometimes I do overindulge, but that's not the majority of the time and when I do that I'm MORE likely to restrict myself worse.

The thing is that when I was about 10 years old someone who was a very influential person in my self-esteem told me that if I was ever over 120lbs that I was fat so somehow this became my ultimate obsession. I don't know how much I weighed then, but also there were already thinner girls around me, people talking about weight, etc. and middle school didn't make anything any easier. Not to mention I was having numerous other issues that could fit into a blog post (or 2 or 3) all it's own. But I was cutting back on food, lying and saying I'd already eaten, telling people I wasn't hungry, not eating, only eating low calorie things, etc. I cut back to the point where I wasn't eating anything for days and when I did eat I would barely eat, but I still wasn't losing weight and I couldn't figure out why. I'm still in that situation. And I know, leslie, you are saying it's because I don't eat enough. And I know other people say the same thing. But you would really think, ffs, that not eating for DAYS and barely eating an apple, or a salad, or something similar after that would FORCE your body to lose some mass, but it didn't.

I know that ultimately I need to just stop worrying about it, stop being so obsessed with food and calories and exercise and weight and size and inches and fat and everything else. I know deep down that it is not good, the way that I am is not good. The way that I eat is not good. The way that I think is not good. And people worry about me, people who know all about this worry about me and I hate that I'm making people worry and I wish they would just not concern themselves with that I do. But I also know if it was in reverse I would worry about them and I'm being such a fucking hypocrite saying they need to not worry about me. I would worry about me if I was them. I would yell at me if I was them. I would tell me to eat more if I was them.

And the sad thing is that I can watch shows with those tiny skinny people who are in CLINICS to be treated for anorexia, and I think "she's pretty, she doesn't look to thin" and then said girl steps on a scale and weighs in at like 90lbs... and I see those girls pick at their food and I know that sometimes, a lot of the time, I do the same thing. And I know some people are going to be all "no you don't, I've seen you eat." Well, yeah, but have you ever spent every meal with me every day for like a week? If I eat a good meal with you today, I probably will restrict myself later and/or beat myself up for it at some point.

And the reality is that I should be eating at least 3 times a day and I usually only eat once a day. I should be eating about 2000 calories and I eat -maybe- half that most days. I usually eat about 700 calories. Today I ate a michelina's frozen beans and rice, a bag of frozen mixed veggies, and a strawberry banana yogurt. The frozen meal had 300 calories, the mixed veggies was 4 servings of 60 calories each, and the yogurt was 80 calories. If you did the math, that was 620 calories. That's all I ate today. And yet 8 hours later I'm feeling no need to go eat anything. Yea, that's normal... (not)

I need to change. I know I need to change. I know it's not that difficult to just open my mouth and insert food and chew it and swallow it. So why don't I just do it? Mentally, I can't. Food is a necessary evil, in my mind. It's something I have to have for fuel. Necessary. It's calories that never seem to go away. Evil.

The thing is, every time I try to sit down to make up some sort of actual eating plan I find points where I'm like "this can't work, see, I can't fit all the (insert food group) into one day according to this plan" or "I could never eat ALL THAT in one day" or "(insert excuse)" and ultimately that is what they all really are. It's all excuses to feed my years of bad unhealthy poor eating habits and shitty relationship with food. And I know it's all excuses. And yet I still make them. WHY???

gah..... I'm messed up..... I basically had an argument last night about calories and food and everything with Leslie, then again continued the same argument to the point at which both of us were pretty much fed up with me. Only until he reads that here I'm sure he doesn't realize that I'm fed up with me too. I am. I really truly am SICK of this. But I seem to be completely unable to just slap myself and say "hey, stop, change" which is just idiotic. and more excuses. In fact, I'm pretty sure this blog is just an excuse. A massive excuse to justify that I am capable of telling everyone who reads my blog just how messed up I am and just how I can't deal with it to justify that I can indeed talk about it and ramble on and on and on about a bunch of bullshit.

I'm done... hope you had fun reading...

29 September 2011

The end of another baseball season

Well, we attended the last game of the Seattle Mariners baseball season tonight and I can't believe we didn't even score a single run the entire game. I mean, come on guys! The least you can do is give the fans something to look at and be "well, at least we didn't lose with NO SCORE!" but alas, we failed.

I had fun anyway. After a kind of mad scramble trying to find someone to go to the game with I wound up going with my friend Jessica and her boyfriend. I had originally bought these tickets for my brother's birthday but things didn't work out quite according to plan there. He moved to southern california and I had 3 extra tickets to try to pawn off on someone. It was ok, alex used the 4th ticket even though he's not 2 yet and didn't need one.

All in all it was an ok season this year. It wasn't spectacular but we did win some good games and Alex had fun going. I got to take Leslie to his first american baseball game back in july. As always, the grounder's garlic fries were delicious. And the yankees did NOT make the playoffs!

Can't wait til next year. :-) (cause you know, we're all gonna die next year, mayan calendar and all =P)

22 September 2011

No longer harboring an illegal

After a long and somewhat disastrous escapade of Leslie trying to get home, we finally located his passport and got him onto a flight today back to london. As far as how I'm doing... that's still out for the jury.... Alex came in tonight and looked around and keeps playing with his toys then going "mama, mama, leslie?" which just makes me want to cry cause I knew it was going to happen, then he goes back to playing again. I don't know, it's going to be a little bit before things go back to "normal" again. I dunno... At least I'm glad Leslie found his passport and is going home, but it doesn't make "goodbye" any easier.

21 September 2011

I'm harboring an illegal?

I don't really know if I should even have that as my post title. It seems a bit... shady. Anyway, for those of you who didn't know, I've had a summer guest in the form of my now boyfriend Leslie who is visiting from London. He came on June 21st and was supposed to get on a plane at 9am on the 19th of September. We've hit a little snag in that plan...

On the night of the 18th we both didn't get a lot of sleep. He stayed up to watch Alex so I could get some extra shut eye as I worked the next night and his flight was early. He figured he could sleep on the plane, I could get some sleep for work. Anyway, we both were up super early the morning of the 19th (well in reality we were up most of the night too) and we all piled into the car and headed for the airport. Checking in was a breeze, albeit a nice short but kind of slow (in my opinion) line. We migrated over to the security area and with a lot of tears on my side, we parted ways. Myself and Alex going back to the car, Leslie on his way to the terminal to catch his flight home.

I rushed back to the car hoping to catch it before I had to pay another $3 for parking as it turned over my being there 1 hour, successfully did that. Before I left the garage I sent Leslie a message saying I hoped he had a safe flight and that I wanted him to let me know when he arrived in london. More tears, started the drive home. Partway home I get a message from Leslie.... "I lost my passport" Uh........ what??? Does that mean he's stuck in the airport? What's going on? etc. etc. million thoughts going through my head. Basically  had he boarded the plane at Seatac he would have been stuck in Detroit unable to get home. So now we're trying to figure out what's going on.

As of yesterday morning Seatac Lost and Found still didn't have his passport turned in. We need to contact Delta and make sure his checked baggage either gets returned to seatac or passed along to London. He tried to call the embassy? consulate? whatever it's called in seattle but it says the number is disconnected. He called an "emergency" number that told him he'd have to go in person all the way to san francisco which is the nearest location. basically this whole thing is a massive mess over a lost passport and since he was on a 90 day non-visa visit and his last day he could be in the country on that was the 19th I'm officially harboring an illegal. Also he won't be able to use the non-visa thing again as he's violated it. Unintentionally, but still violated it.

He had flight insurance of some kind but we're not sure if it'll help anything. It says it covers lost passports, but not missed departures. So I think that means they will help him with the lost passport but he's fucked when it comes to his flight. Which sucks. If I got anything wrong on here, Leslie, feel free to correct it in the comments :)

01 August 2011

The Blank Page

For a writer, a blank page is both a blessing and a curse. It's a place to lay out everything and anything you could possibly imagine, or it's a place where your worst case of writer's block may occur. Or even worse, you might discover you can't write anything because you can't think of anything you want to write.

This is an interesting concept as I write a blog about dealing with the blank page. A blog is a blank page in and of itself but usually before you open up something to blog you have that idea in your head. You don't just open up a blog page usually and just stare at it like "what do I want to blog about.....?" But instead you already have that idea. Maybe your coworker really ticked you off or someone told you a really funny story that day and you just need to get it off your chest.

It's really easy to find the writer's voice in a blog also, while some writing is stilted and boring. I always like to try and find the writer's voice amongst their stories. There is always some particular thing that makes certain authors the ones you like more than others. Maybe it's the characters they created. Maybe it's their way or writing dialogue. Maybe it's the genre. But one thing I've always been taught in writing classes and workshops is that a writer needs to know their own voice in their writing. A blog is a prime location to fine that because most people blog like they would talk.

I chat like I would talk. That annoys some of my friends too. I'll be on msn messenger and I'll type out something like "I had cheese and broccoli soup today but it was really... watery? I mean... it wasn't really cheesy and yummy but more... runny than I think it should have been." with the "..." meaning that is where I would normally pause while talking to someone in normal conversation. But because it isn't "properly written" (like anyone properly writes texts and blogs and comments and forum posts anymore but that's a whole different paragraph and a whole different blog rant alltogether)

I think I'm bored with this blog now..... *posts*

25 July 2011

Musings Regarding "choice"

I know that "choice" is a heated topic when it comes to a lot of things. This particular topic comes along the lines of "pro-choice" or "anti-abortion" which is one of the big debates amongst liberals vs conservatives (the other being the homosexual rights issue) and I'll throw out here right at the begining that I am not ok with abortion for myself. Aborting a child has never been anything I've given more than a passing moment's thought to in my own personal life. The issue of abortion has popped up several times in my life in various situations but it's relevence to my life choices isn't in question.

I know a few people who have had abortions. Some of them know that I know they did while others I assume do not. I assume that because I was accidentally told of 2 I wasn't supposed to know about. The people I have discussed with in depth their choice have all told me, with only one exception, that they regret it but they felt at the time they had made the best decision. I realize that not everyone feels this way but when you see all the people talking about how the woman should have the right to choose they don't really seem to take into account regrets.

I know we live in an overpopulated world but I just honestly wish there weren't groups out there pushing that condoms are bad *cough* catholic church *cough* Geez, sorry about that! I guess I had something caught in my throat. The only 100% way to prevent pregnancy is abstaining. We can't just teach that and expect people to not have sex. People like sex. So promoting safer sex is good, condoms, spermicide, hormonal birth control, etc.

I'll throw this one out there too. All hormonal birth control works by trying to prevent ovulation (the maturing and releasing of an egg by the woman's ovaries) and if that doesn't work it may prevent a fertilized egg from implanting into the lining of the uterus. That is to say if you believe that the baby is a baby prior to implantation, your hormonal birth control pill is, by THOSE standards (not the average medical professional's standards) potentially an abortificiant. In that case you either have to come to terms with that or find a different form of contraception if you don't like the idea of getting pregnant.

Why am I musing on this? Well, to be honest I've been thinking about writing something about what I think on the issue for a while and some recent events lead to my blogging. I have a son, in case anyone hasn't realized that yet, but I also have my boyfriend visiting from london for a bit and we have discussed somewhat what would occur should our "happy fun adult time" result in "oops, I did it again" (haha) which is plain and clear on my side of things. Alex would get a sibling. Simple.

I guess I couldn't sleep and I was looking up things on websites and I came across a link to a post secret thing where it said that the person worked in a vet clinic and they give you the option to stay or leave and it said to stay because they always look for you. Then that lead to me looking into when they put animals to sleep which had a link to a 24 week partial birth abortion picture with description of what they did. Which ultimately lead me into looking up more details (again) on abortions. Which ultimately lead to me posting this.

So where do I stand on the issue? I believe in teaching safe practices and realistic approaches. I believe in accepting "consequences" for mature decisions. I believe that if lives are in danger, you should do what you have to do as long as you can live with it. I believe that if you feel like it's the only decision you can make then you better be able to deal with it. Mostly, I believe in human rights for all humans, including unborn ones. Every person who has the right to choose was born, just a thought to think about.

06 July 2011

Life changing moments

There are points in your life when you have to realize that things are never going to be the same again now that you've started down this path. You're pregnant. I do. Life, death, accidents. Everything in your life has constant potential to be a disaster or a success and it's up to you to decide how to take it.

Never let anyone tell you the way you feel or the decisions you make, things you do, don't let them tell you it's wrong. You will never be satisfied with your life if you allow others to tell you what is wrong or right for you.

When I found out I was pregnant back in 2009 I was shocked but accepting. I'm a relatively "go with the flow" type of person. I have my little ways I'm set in but I'm pliable as well. It's easy to let life get to you if you don't accept things you can't control. It's easy to let those things destroy your day if you aren't careful.

Don't live your life full of what ifs and second guessing your decisions or you might end up old and lonely and never having done anything productive with your life. Jump in with both feet. Keep your senses, but don't let fear hold you back or make your decisions for you.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

03 May 2011

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

ignore this blog post

Medieval castle defense
Amazon kindle
Blogger droid
Adobe reader
Solitaire free pack
Sudoku free
Kids piano lite
My coffee card
Qr Droid
Toy kaleidoscope
Electric maze
Gem miner
Wordsearch unlimited
Angry birds
Daily horoscope
Word game
Words with friends
Brain genius deluxe
Alchemy genetics

I think that is all
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

25 March 2011

100 things about me 16-30

Moving on with this little list of things about me....

16. I have no favorites. I like most music, I like most books, I like most movies. I have no favorites.

17. I like to knit. I'm not very good at it and I don't know how to make much more than hats and scarves but I'm pretty darn good at making those.

18. I firmly believe that it is better to be a first rate version if yourself than a second rate version of somebody else. It's not worth your time and effort to pretend to be someone else.

19. I prefer cheetos puffs over crunchy cheetos.

20. I don't like it when it gets too hot which is why I like washington. That and I just adore the rain and the green and the mountains and the ocean and everything is here. You want town, city, country, rivers, lakes, ocean, mountains, and if you prefer it, it's warmer and dryer right over the mountains. Everything you could want is here.

21. I am smart but I'm not overly ambitious and I'm kind of lazy actually. About school and stuff. I hate that you repeat everything over and over and over. Boring.

22. I don't like wearing skirts but I will if I like them or have a reason to. If I do, I always wear shorts underneath it because I'm not ladylike.

23. Dark chocolate is heavenly. Milk chocolate in any more than small amounts makes me nauseous. White chocolate is my least favorite.

24. I liked the twilight books. And the edward cullen in my mind was way hotter than robert pattenson will ever be.

25. I cry at disney movies. I cry every time mufasa dies. Toy story 3 made me cry. Actually I cry at any sad movie. However, I didn't cry when dumbledore died.

26. I don't like cut flowers because they die. I like plants but I kill them. You're better off not going that route with me.

27. I think that everything in the world will eventually turn out alright if we could just agee to disagree about everything and respect basic human rights.

28. I believe in human rights for all humans, even those who have yet to be born. And I think that anything designed to prevent the implantation of a fertilized egg is wrong. If you are responsible enough to have sex you are responsible enough to realize that a baby may result and you should be responsible for making sure that baby is born, whether you raise it or put it up for adoption. I do not believe abortion is in any way right or ok except if someone's life is in danger.

29. I've never been outside the united states, not even to canada which is only a 3 hour drive north.

30. I like to play sudoku number puzzles and have an app on my phone to play them.
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24 March 2011

100 things about me 1-15

Do these have to be interesting things? I've done this before in a class my freshman year of high school. It was part of this class we had to take whee we learned more about ourselves only I still don't really know who I am in the truest sense. We were supposed to learn how to be amazing people. Anyway, my list...

1. I was born on June 15, 1987. I think this should be my first fact as it was the most important event in my life. If I hadn't been born I'd have no life.

2. My son was born november 22, 2009. Not the most interesting fact, but again, significance is everything.

3. I graduated high school 2 months early despite having failed 6 classes my freshman year and 2 my sophomore year and being rejected from the "normal" high schools for my junior and senior years.

4. I used to catch garden snakes when I was little and tried to bring them in the house. My brother did too. Our mom wouldn't let us.

5. I was attacked by a ladybug. My brother and I were playing at the Algona park and I saw a ladybug on the bar at the top of the slide. I put my hands on the bar on either side of it and it flew down and landed just above my knee and then I just remember it hurt really bad. My brother got it off me and there was a red spot with a green dot in the middle where it had been.

6. I make up songs and sing at random times when I think nobody is listening. I never remember the songs and they are usually about whatever I'm doing at the time. I get very embarrassed if anyone is listening and finds out.

7. I once hit a softball with the bat directly into my own face. I have nothing more to say on this subject.

8. I rode a bike without training wheels on my own for the first time in the rain on thanksgiving. I rode it down the driveway, turned around, and rode back straight into the back of my grandma's pickup.

9. My middle name is anne after my mom's best friend in 6th grade who died when she was swimming in the green? river when the flood gates were released.

10. I can't tell the difference between coke, pepsi, and store brand cola. Same goes for all other types of pop except barq's root beer. I also can't taste the difference between diet mt dew and regular.

11. I lived in my grandma's house for about 14 years of my life. That's over half of my life.

12. I took japanese in high school because I thought anime was really cool and all my friends were taking it and then I failed first semester. I only failed because I didn't do the homework. I had a 34% in the class at the final and I got 100% on the final, finishing the class with a 56% failing grade anyway.

13. I like peanut butter and dill pickle sandwiches. If you've never tried it don't even say "ew" because it's good. Unless you don't like pickles or peanut butter. Or you're allergic.

14. I like little kid songs. I sing along with my son's toys. I sing him silly songs all the time. I just like them.

15. I got credit for a P.E. Class in high school for sitting in the teacher's classroom grading papers for him while everyone else was in the gym. But he understood me. I can't play basketball. I have no hand eye coordination for it.

(posting now, will write more later)
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01 February 2011

DDR Exercise? Ok

[655+(4.35*195.4 current weight in pounds)+(4.7*61 height in inches)+(4.7*23 age)]*1.375 lightly active=2613 (rounded up) which basically means I consume more than a 2000 calorie diet. Lol

Actually that's not very funny if you think about it. To maintain my current weight I have to be consuming 2600 calories a day. Um... I don't eat that much so I must be eating or drinking really bad high calorie foods.

Oh, and that formula is only for women, read back in my blog for the post titled the science of weight loss if you'd like to know the equation for men. So my goal is to lose AT LEAST 1.5 pounds a week? I could almost do that only cutting my calories back to 2000... If I did that and exercised enough to burn 140 calories a day, I could lose 1.5 pounds a week. Or change that to 400 calories a day burned and cut back to 2000 calories and that's 2 lbs a week (until I have to recalculate)

I don't feel like counting calories and most things that are good for you don't have labels anyway. Does an apple come with a table of contents? A nutrition label? A suggested serving size? Lol

I'm just going to try to eat healthier and try to exercise more. I found out that 1 song on ddr on light or basic mode seems to burn about 10 calories, so 15 songs on the dance pad a day seems like fun easy exercise. Heck, once I get going I could play way more than 15 in a day.
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Up to date weight loss

I've lost 18.2 lbs since I started my blog. That's less than I expected but higher than I realized. I know I have high expectations for myself with this weight loss thing but that's how I've always been. Expect the greatest and try my hardest to achieve it.

The downside is that this isn't even a pound a week. It's about 3 pounds a month since august which is good. It really is. I know it is. But I know I can do better than good. I know I can put in more effort. And I know I will.

This last week I lost 2.2lbs and that tells me that my "lofty" goals aren't really that lofty because I did that trying to lose 1.5 in a week. And I only installed that app I wrote about on friday.

Some days I make more effort to do things than other days and some days I make no effort at all. Everyone has their lazy days. My favorite days are the ones when I get to do the things I love.

The funny thing is I don't hate exercise. I actually enjoy going for walks and swimming and dancing (when nobody can see me >.>) but I don't make time for it. I played ddr (dance dance revolution) today which is one of my favorite video games. I use the dance pad, I own 2 so if anyone wants to play with me they can <3 but it makes me sweat and my heart beat faster and I drink more (tea, juice, or in today's case, root beer) and it's fun to me still. Even if I fail a song or can't get higher than a d on a light mode song I still love it.

I'm also practicing so come sakura con I won't totally suck in front of other people. At the anime convention most people are nice and tell you that you played well, but again this is my "i have high expectations for myself" speaking. I know I'm better than a d on a yellow song on light mode on ddr supernova. Does that make me a protectionist?
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31 January 2011

Monday Weigh In

Today I almost ran to the scale. I downloaded an app that reminds me to workout and keeps track of my weight loss, even measuring it in loss from cutting calories and loss from working out. The best part? It's a free app!

So my weigh in today puts me at 195.4 which sadly is 0.9 higher than the lowest weight for today on my chart, but on the plus side means I'm losing weight. Not that this is thanks to exercising a lot so much as (kind of) changing my diet. I'd lose more if I exercised more and I realize that.

My loss is loss no matter how small or large, and for that I'm happy despite my lack of sticking to my chart. And I'm still under 200 which makes me happy with my progress as well.

Until next monday, this is tiffany signing off (for weight updating)
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26 January 2011

Weight check in

On monday I weighed in at 197.6
That is all.
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18 January 2011


Sometimes I'm happy
Sometimes I'm not
Sometimes the thing
You truly sought
Was something that
Couldn't be bought
And when you found
That you could not
You found I asked
For not a lot...
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15 January 2011

steampunk rpg character namer

I think that I have picked my character's name for the steampunk rpg...
Electa Shaw
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13 January 2011

Writers Destruction...

This isn't writer's block, this is self imposed literary murder taking place in the land of grey matter. This goes beyond simple blockage. I'm writing more than one novel for christ's sake and not a single one can I do anything productive with at this particular moment. Alex is asleep, I could be all creative and write but instead I'm blogging about how I was starting blankly at multiple windows on my computer screen. Windows of notepad. Multiple. And nothing.

It's funny how i know exactly how a story is going to go sometimes and i can't write it. I already have the beginning, middle, end, all the tidbits that create the events leading to the climax and the ultimate final events, but no way to put it all into flowing words on the screen. What a waste...
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12 January 2011

Lazy Lazy Blogger

I'm such a lazy blogger. I meant to write a blog last monday and now it's sunday. I mean, sure I wrote the 12 days if trekmas but that's not my diet! That's not my eating plan!

I had a busy busy busy day on monday. Alex and I went to see santa at the mall and saw the new narnia movie. I had teriyaki bento!

wow i really am a lazy blogger... I wrote this so long ago I don't remember what the rest of my post was supposed to be... *publishes to blog now*
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Sakura con 2011

Every year since 08 I have attended the annual gathering of geeks, anime fans, cosplayers, etc. known as Sakura Con. It's a large anime convention with panels, gaming rooms, guests, artists, booths with tons of stuff to buy, the works. It reminds me that while i might be different in the "real world" but in "convention land" there are thousands of people just like me. They dress up like cartoon characters, anime and manga characters, video game characters, super heros, etc. And I have a couple of cosplays (insert many) myself.

I enjoy my little yearly excursion into the world of the similarly minded... :-)
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I know what you did

I know what you did but I'm not sure why
If only I saw your heart and could see inside
The places in there where these thoughts reside
But instead I had to turn away and say goodbye

I know what you said but I don't know how
To find any more joy within that sound now
I can't find any way that my will would bow
I won't look back and wonder, this I vow
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11 January 2011

weight check in (i know, I've missed posting for a while)

I didn't weigh myself yesterday, but I'm bouncing between 198-201 since christmas.
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03 January 2011

Random thing I wrote today

They don't understand
It's a strand
a grain of sand
In an hourglass
Their pass
Their past
Their moment
Their monster
All they see is twisted reality
Perfect bliss
like true love's first kiss
But the distortion of perfection taints
World full of saints?
No, not at all
They dropped the ball
And they'll take the fall
But it was a nice mirror image
Something pretty and pure
White lace was the cure
Til some of the demure
Snapped back with a flash
Picked up the slack
Your utopia is dystopia
A humble stated fact
but they try what'll never fly
Pointlessly to contain
The people with brains
Those they couldn't train
In their efforts to control the population
No verbal ejaculation
Of any variation
On any scale
Though they will fail
Freedoms aren't for sale
But they uselessly try
To protect virgin ears
Stuff em tight with cotton seals
How does that feel?
It's a perfect illusion
To cause confusion
Cause your mind won't know
Which way to go
When the facade crashes down into the river below
Washed away with the tide
No law to abide
Do you still have your pride?
We'll bridge the divide
In a memory
In a heartbeat
In a moment in time
Where do you draw the line?
Or do you erase it?
Are you tough enough to face it?
Or is it tough?
Maybe it's bold
To face the cold
To break the mould
To have a heart of pure gold
That molten liquid that sears
The greedy ones leer
Hiding in shadows
Awaiting their moment
Baiting you
Biding their time
putting rhythm to a rhyme
A purpose in a line
Of word
Written or spoken
Like a touch of the broken
Broken by men
By women
By people
A population of madness
Driven by sadness
And the hot wax drips
From the tips
Of lit candlesticks
And where does it land?
Where does it land?
In the expanse
Of a little romance
Driven by lust
It lands on the bust
A touch of kink
For a lazy thought
Maybe cheaply bought
Like a penny
Or a dime
No, not money
She's sweet like honey
We're talking about a girl
Fast talking
Hip popping
With copper wire curls
Dime a dozen
With a short tight skirt
And a too small shirt
And stilettos that let her touch the sky
Or maybe she's just high
It's enough to make you cry
Sugar coated tears
Drenched in real fears
That no angel will appear
To take you away
Somewhere you can play
In the candy trees
And bubble gum flowers
Gotta get you a piece of that
Censorship protecting the masses
From female dogs
And donkeys
And other such assets
You think you've won?
The war's just begun
We're hardcore
Tough and strong
You can't ignore
Rebels to the core
Facts and figures
It's a catalyst
You can't pretend we don't exist
The voices ringing
People singing
Bringing emotions
Purity of intent
Power to invent
A new way
See a new day
Carry on through the pain
That flouted through our veins
Destroy us?
You couldn't if you tried!
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