My Weight Loss Tracker

30 December 2011

I'm kind of annoyed

So we have this work website that has a blog on it and they post comments from people who work for the company on the blog. I'm kind of annoyed, ticked off, pissed off, actually, that I'm sick of my comments being rejected for the blog. I write a comment, it goes on the blog, other people write comments with differing views than mine, some downright attacking my views, I write another comment, it gets rejected, I write another comment, it gets rejected, other people try to write comments, they get rejected, and so here I am left to blog on my own blog all about for irate I am about this entire fucking thing!


my comment that was rejected (with slight editing for quality purposes and any parenthesis held therein are my own comments on it, not part of the original comment)

Ok, for the record I'm not "looking down" on the people using EBT for assistance. And it's one thing to give your family a treat. It's a completely different thing to have a cart full of processed junk food and very little or absolutely NO fruit and veg. I'm not saying that people need to live off of bread, water, and cheese. I'm saying that people need to be smarter about what they are putting in their cart, on their table, feeding their children, because there is a reason 2/3 of the american population is overweight/obese. (that might be incorrect, but I remember hearing that, I know 1/3 are obese, it seems about right that another third would be overweight but not obese, leaving the final 1/3 to be normal or underweight) It quite possibly has very little to do with the AMOUNTS of food we are consuming but much more to do with the TYPES of food we are consuming. I've said it before and I've got no problems saying it again. I have studied foods, nutrition labels, websites with nutrition facts, watched shows like supersize vs superskinny on bbc4, jamie oliver's food revolution, etc. and it's all about the RIGHT kinds of foods in the RIGHT amounts to get the RIGHT nutrition for your body to run off of and a cart full of WHITE bread and WHITE rice and (chips, snack cakes, soda pop, etc.) boxed pre-packaged meals with TONS of SUGAR and HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP and SATURATED FAT and SODIUM is NOT HEALTHY!!! I'm not saying a bar of chocolate once in a while or a can of coke once a week is going to kill you but our western diets are clogging our arteries, raising our blood pressure, killiong our immune systems, giving us diabetes, and making us overweight which in and of itself causes a lot of health problems up to and including certain cancers. Not that my eating is much better but that is because I have an eating disorder, which I've said before. I restrict myself for the most part by only allowing myself a certain number of calories in the day. I'm doing a little bit better but it's all in baby steps made forcing myself to eat 3-4 times a day and a minimum of 1500 calories and not weighing myself more than once a week, which again is something I've mentioned in previous comments on previous blog posts. I've only been making these baby steps for about 3 or a bit more weeks and I'm still counting everything I'm eating but at least I'm eating more. (I probably could have left that whole bit out since I've mentioned most of it before, and it was a bit... self-focused?) My eating disorder is a numbers game that is really wreaking havoc on my life but that doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to good and bad benefits of food. Because believe me, if you ask anyone who has an eating disorder about food we might have a distorted view of personal body image and a screwy view of even the good fats but anything else and we usually know as much or more than a professional nutritionist about what is healthy and what food items contain in the way of essential vitamins and minerals. And back to the EBT issue, I'm saying that I would have very little qualms with accepting state assistance with my grocery bill IF THEY WOULD HELP ME!!! Which as I said I get WIC checks and I get state medical for my son to cover what my insurance otherwise wouldn't cover. And I didn't say the award was a bad thing since someone said "I wouldn't see it as a bad thing" (they actually said something not quite in those words, but basically that was the gist) but instead I was pointing out that while our store is donating unused food to the local food banks, some of their workers are then GOING to said local food banks and I wondered if they realized that. As for the person who said what the minimum wage in ohio was, it's cheaper to live in the midwest than it is to live here which is part of the reason your minimum wage is lower. Washington state has one of the highest minimum wages in the entire united states. I have no issues with people who accept state assistance. I've received EBT benefits before. I'm currently receiving some benefits not including EBT. Maybe you should reread what I said in my last comment. I wish I could get EBT benefits so I could put MORE of the fresh unprocessed and healthier foods on my table for myself and my son. I take a little bit of pride (a little bit not because I take little pride in it, but because I can only provide so much...) in the fact that I feed my son as much healthy food as I possibly can. And we'll just see if this gets posted...

That being said, You don't get the other comments or my first comment or anything else because 1. I don't have that at the moment, and 2. that's their post, not mine to publish anywhere else. Yes, I'm kind of ticked off that people mis-interpreted my initial comment. I said something about how our store on the website has a post about they donate food that is still good but unable to be sold in the stores anymore, to a company or something that then gets it to the local food banks. I said that's great that we aren't wasting food, but brought into it, do they realize their workers are going to the food banks to help make ends meet. I mentioned my frustration that I see people going through the checkout lines with tons of junk food, not everyone, but some of them, and then paying with EBT cards. For those who don't know, EBT cards are Electronic Benefits Cards used by people receiving state assistance with things like Food Stamps. Instead of giving out little booklets of dollar amounts of bills, you get basically a debit card that you can only use for the specific allowed items that you can get with food stamps, or sometimes you also get cash benefits. Some people took what I said to be that I was looking down on these people for having EBT cards, for needing state assistance, for asking for help, which was not what I was saying at all. I was not upset at them getting the help they needed. I was upset with what kinds of food are allowed on this, and what some people buy with their cards. WIC is 1000% a better program as you are only allowed the specific food items listed and only certain foods are even acceptable for that. You get milk, cheese, cereal (only specific cereals like plain life, cheerios, kix) eggs, peanut butter, beans, peas, lentils, juice, etc. You can't get a sack of potato chips or a 12 pack of coke with a WIC check, that unhealthy stuff isn't allowed. I'm even more ticked off that my reply, the comment you got to read above, albeit a bit long and a bit unrelated to the blog itself but full of great stuff in my personal opinion (as if I would have another than my own personal one... O.o), was rejected. Maybe later on I'll feel a little less pissed off and resentful towards this censorship, or maybe I'll start to really agree that it probably wasn't all that related and see that they had a point in refusing to post it. Maybe later on I'll be like "yeah, maybe I shouldn't have said that" even here on my blog. But for not, this is how I feel, raw and uncensored. Take it for what it is....

oh, and I added this to the bottom of my blog itself in it's entirety, but just to be on the safe side and cover my ass, the brilliant "PR" people at my work would like us to say.....
Everything on this blog is my personal opinion and not necessarily the opinion of the Kroger Co. family of stores or any of it's affiliates.

I'm Whispering

I'm whispering
I do not want this
This obsession
This slowly drifting
This destruction
I do not want this
The scale
The mirror
The pants size
I'm whispering
Like the voice inside
I do not want this
The loathing voice
It lies
I know it lies
But it never
Shuts up
Keeps going and going
Until the voice
The sweet voice
The cruel sweet voice
It convinces me
Convinces me it's true
Not lies
I'm whispering
Logic doesn't fit
It's a number game
But logic and pounds
Logic and calories
They do not fit
They do not mix
If they did I would be thin
I'm whispering
Disordered eating
Eating disorders
Where do I fit?
Where do I fit?
I'm whispering
Too fat for ana
Not quite mia
Never just B.E.D.
Just right for confusing everyone
We confuse people
We confuse ourselves
I'm whispering
The world sees fat me
They do not see
This obsession
My secret
Until I share
They look at me
Look me over
And why not?
Why wouldn't they be?
Fat girls don't look like they don't eat
I'm whispering
I'm falling apart
Tearing at the seams
Crumbling inside
Where nobody sees
And outside
I'm whispering
Those who know
Get worried
Get annoyed
Get frustrated
Those who don't
Don't see
Don't hear
Don't know
Say hurtful comments
They don't know
I'm whispering
They don't know
They say things
The comments
I feel hurt
They don't know
I feel acknowledgment
I feel pain
Confirmation of the voice
The cruel sweet voice
They don't know
Even the ones who know don't know
They don't know the compulsion
Don't know the upset
The painful words
They belittle
They don't understand
They've never known what it's like
I hope and pray
Oh how I do
That they never know
Never go through this
Never know my struggle firsthand
I would not wish this hell on my worst enemy
I'm whispering
Not enough
Not thin enough
Not good enough
Not smart enough
Not pretty enough
Never enough
Not even disordered enough
Not if nobody sees
"You have an eating disorder?"
Yes, I do
Can't you see it?
Through my fat girl exterior?
See how pretty and thin I want to be?
See how desperate it makes me?
See the damage?
Physical damage?
Psychological damage?
Can't you see it?
No? No.
Didn't think so.
So I'm not even good enough for that
I'm whispering
Not enough
Never enough
Never ever enough
And your words cut to the bone
I'm whispering
I want to get better
I want to lose weight
I want to be healthy
I want to be thin
I want to be beautiful
I'm whispering
I want to be healthy
But oh so much I want to be thin
Whatever it takes
Thin thin thin
Not Bony, just thin
But you think I like this?
You think I want this?
Think I don't want to be healthy?
Think I don't want to get better?
I want both
I want to be thin
And free from obsession
I want
I want
No fear
No binges
I want
No purges
No obsessions
I want
No counting
No scales
No put downs
I want
No worrying others
No annoying others
No frustrating others
None of my disorder
I want none of my disorder
I want no disorder
I want none of it
I'm whispering
I don't know what to do
I'm trying
I'm eating
But I'm counting
I'm weighing
Less often
I'm obsessing
A lot
But I'm trying
I'm really trying
I'm making small strides
Baby steps
I'm whispering
Is it enough?
No, never enough
So what do I do?
What should I do?
What can I do?
What can I do but try?
What can I do more?
There's more I could do
Always is
Talk about it
Talk talk talk
Talk to people who might help
Professional people
Maybe get help
A doctor
What doctor?
I don't have a doctor
I get anxious
I don't like doctors
I don't want to talk
Not to a doctor
Especially not one I don't know
Anxious just considering it
They poke
They prod
With fingers
Anxiety rising
Maybe want to see your body
Anxiety rising more
I can feel the panic just thinking about it
No, not a doctor
But I should
Oh I should
And I could
But what can I do?
Conquer my anxiety?
Conquer my fears?
Maybe later
But for now
What can I do but keep whispering?
Still not enough
Never enough
Never ever enough
So still
I'm whispering
As my whisper becomes a scream

14 December 2011

Maybe.... it isn't that big of a deal?

I'm sitting here telling myself "It's wednesday, it's wednesday, I gave myself permission to weigh myself ONLY on friday. And I'm staring at the edge of the scale, in case I didn't mention before, on top of my kitchen cupboards. I'm just.. freaking out, but why? Because I WANT to know if eating more has made me gain weight. I feel like I ate like a pig today and I still need to eat dinner. And all I had was some ham, potatoes, green beans, baked beans, a roll with some butter, and a tiny sliver of pumpkin pie, some popcorn (like a handful or 2) and about 3/4 of a large pepperoni pizza. Which isn't bad and probably balances out perfectly averagely for the whole week I've been eating. But I can't even calculate out the calories and I'm trying to tell myself it's ok that I can't.

Normal people don't try to calculate and count every single calorie they put into their mouth making overestimates by 5+ calories for the non-exact amounts. Normal people just eat when they are hungry. And is it really necessary to weigh myself? What happens if the scale says I gained weight? Is that going to send me back into the old ways? Maybe, or maybe not. Maybe I'd just be like "eh, gotta kick it up a little bit here" or maybe I'd be like "SEE!!! I GAINED WEIGHT!!!!" and freak out. And if I lost weight would it really reinforce the eating habits? Or would it just tell me something I want to see to be more... weird about eating more?

The reality is that it both matters and doesn't matter what the scale says. I don't like eating right now. I feel sick to my stomach after I eat anything substantial. I feel like every time I burp after I've eaten a decent amount it's going to come back up involuntarily. And apparently that should get better with time. I want to know if I've lost weight or gained weight. I'm so worried that I'm over 200 again now. But at the same time, I don't want to be controlled by what I weigh. But also I want to be skinnier. I don't want to be anorexic, I've never once in my life thought that ribs and hip bones were pretty, but I do think that having my colarbone at least identifiable as to it's location without simple "knowing it's there" or poking at it to figure out what is it and what is the rest of my shoulder might be nice... Not like... anorexic-ish tho... If that makes sense?

The thing is that whether the scale is there or not, whether I know the number or not, the way I behave about all of this is off, and taking away the scale and the number on it isn't going to change anything. Someone on the forum said in a post I saw that their therapist said that they should judge their size by the way their clothes are fitting, not by the number on the scale. But for me, the number on the scale is needing to go down before I can gauge my size by my clothes fitting right or not. I know that seems odd, but it's like whether I have the scale or not, I know what pants size I wear and I don't like that. I don't like my current size and I feel like all of it, including my weight, is bringing me down. I feel like while I need to be healthy about all of this, I still need to lose weight, but I also need to do it the right way. And that does mean that I need the scale.

Why do I need the scale? I know, I just said that the scale can't rule me. And I know that the way the scale can't rule me is by using it in a healthy manor to gauge how I am doing, and to have the self-control not to weigh myself any more than I allow myself to. I haven't weighed myself since friday morning, right before I put it up. And I only weighed myself then so that I would have a reference point to remember to weigh myself this friday. I promise promise promise that whatever the scale says on friday will NOT make me eat less than 1500 calories a day. I won't let it. The scale will not rule me.

12 December 2011

And more eating... and other stuff

Anyone noticing a pattern here?

So for breakfast I had 2 more peanut butter granola bars (there are 2 in a pack) and 2/3 of a banana and a starbucks via iced coffee for about 330 calories. I had the late lunch today, so I ate a multigrain bagel with reduced fat cream cheese and had a passion tea with 1/2 the sweetener for about 450. Lunch was an apple, 1/2 tuna sandwich, and a can of chili adding up to about 750. After work I made some pasta, put a "forkful" of pesto that was in the fridge on it, and ate a 2oz package of lunchmeat with it for a "nice" addition of about 350 calories.

For a grand total of........ about 1880

Anyway, today was decent, I suppose. I woke up a bit late, but I actually felt, for the most part, decently rested all day. Well, no, today actually really sucked. After yesterday with the burrito and the taco bell I was feeling really shit about food altogether and then had a conversation about good fats and stuff right before bed, which just carried over in my brain all day today. And I'm kinda pissed off that I had the late lunch and ate the bagel from starbucks even though it was a multigrain whole grain healthy thing. And that sucks.

I'm really not looking forward to my shift on christmas eve either. I get to close the night before, then I'm working at 10am the next day. I wonder if I'm working a fuel center shift or not. I'm never awake at 10am... I don't know,  it sucks. but at least I'm getting..... 7.5-8 hours that day I guess.

I don't know, I guess I really don't have anything "exciting" to blog about today.

11 December 2011

Well, I'm eating, for what it's worth..

So day before yesterday I had breakfast of eggs, toast, a bit over half an orange, and coffee, a lunch of a bag of pre-made salad, a can of progresso light beef pot roast soup, and a yogurt, and then when I came home from work I had a grilled cheese sandwich and some tomato soup. Altogether added up it was 1615 calories. I did have yogurt and cheese even though I said I was cutting out the dairy, but I also said I wasn't officially starting til after I got paid friday and could go grocery shopping.

So yesterday I had a package of nature valley peanut butter granola bars and coffee and... I only ate 1 slice of the orange I cut up for breakfast, for lunch I had half a tuna sandwich with tuna mustard onion and celery, a tomato, progresso lentil soup (the last of my progresso soups actually) and another yogurt. After I got off work so that I wasn't grocery shopping "hungry" even though I was only marginally hungry, I got a $1 hamburger from jack in the box and a hamburger kid's meal for my son, I wound up eating half his hamburger because he kept sharing with me. I don't think he was very hungry though, he usually isn't when he comes back from his dad's house. Then when I got home from grocery shopping I made a act II mini bag of popcorn and shared that with alex.

I spent more at the grocery store than I meant to, but I got flax seeds, olive oil and veg oil (I was out of both) fresh ground peanut butter, long grain brown rice, loads of veggies, some lunch meat for making sandwiches-the kind that are only $0.50 each and are in 2oz packages.... oh, and I got 5 dozen eggs that are good til jan 14, and juice and milk for alex. and then I spent $1.50 in the machine leaving the store trying to get him a little stuffie out of the claw machine, those things are such a rip off... But anyway, about $70 later, but with probably enough food to feed me for... like 2 weeks, and a new book... my kitchen is stocked up with a million reasons I half don't want it to be and I'm half also ok with it...

Today I had a piece of toast with a little peanut butter and some flax seeds sprinkled on top, and a cup of coffee for breakfast. I forgot my lunch at home so I bought a can of soup, an apple, a bag of frozen veggies, and a deli burrito. The burrito's calories really set me on edge, and then on the way home I got Taco Bell because I was like "fuck it! I already ate the burrito!" so.... I had approximately 2000 calories, actually.... wow... I thought it was more.... esp with the taco bell...

Taco Bell was 880 calories according to their website, so ugh.... but the toast is 80 cal, the peanut butter, I didn't even have a tablespoon, I barely put enough on to smear across it, and the flax seeds, I estimated that to being 75 (probably a high estimation) and 50 calories for the coffee. the burrito I'm estimating was 500 since it didn't have a calorie label, the soup was 2.5 servings of 70 cal. and the apple I looked up online and a medium size apple is 68 cal. and the bag of veggies was 4 servings of 45 cal each. And all of that totals out to 2008 calories.

I'm taking the lunch I forgot today in to work for lunch tomorrow, Well, day 3... went decent? I don't know, I thought when I had breakfast I should have eaten more, but by the end of the night (mostly thanks to the burrito and Taco Bell) I actually WAY exceeded 1500 calories... hmm... bleh... I guess that's it for this blog post.

08 December 2011

My healthy eating plan

I decided that I have to make a plan to eat better. I need to eat more, be healthier.

So to start with...
The Rules!
-No Skipping meals
-No excuses if I slip up
-No lies
-No purging
-No refined sugar
-No high fructose corn syrup
-No soda
-No fruit juice
-No Dairy
-No "white" grains (I'm racist :P)
-No excessive (more than 3x a week) weight checking
-Try to consume a minimum of 1500 calories
-Exercise at least 250 calories worth

A whole grain such as a piece of whole grain toast, a whole grain cereal, etc.
A protein such as 2 egg whites, turkey sausage, canadian bacon, etc.
1 serving of fruit
16 oz. water

1 serving veggie
1 serving whole grain
8 oz. water

1/2 sandwich (2oz meat, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickle, mustard, etc.)
Salad w/ light non-creamy dressing
16 oz. water

1 serving fruit
1 serving whole grain
8 oz. water

1 serving protein
1 serving whole grain
1 serving veggie
16 oz. water

Basically, I can vary this plan enough to make it not get monotonous. And it's going to give me my full amount of water every day, about 5 servings of whole grains, 5 servings of veggies, 2 servings of fruit, and 3 servings of protein.

I discussed it with my boyfriend, and he approves of the plan, which makes me feel even better about finally laying it out like this. I can't REALLY start doing it fully until after I get paid friday and can get some groceries, but now that I have it all laid out, I have no reason other than my brain's issues not to try my hardest to follow it and BE HEALTHIER!!!!

It's not going to be easy, but I'm going to try. Hard.

06 December 2011

50/50 today

I'm not really sure how I feel today. I woke up early this morning to go to the food bank, and realized as I was getting ready that the rent I thought I'd turned in on saturday was still sitting on my mantle. I cried, had a mini panic attack, etc. Got alex ready to go and went to the office, where the lady was super nice and didn't charge me a late fee, she said "Think of it as a Merry Christmas, and don't let it happen again." So that was nice.

Last night I talked to a friend I haven't talked to much lately and I told him about my issues I've been having more of lately a bit. I pointed out to my boyfriend that in my last blog I admitted I've been purging again since sometime I think in october. Not much, but any is too much and I know that. The boyfriend made me promise not to do it anymore, which makes me feel super pressured and makes me feel like I'm going to fail. Not that I want to fail. I want to get better, be healthier, stop being so super focused on food, stop all this CRAP. It is just that I have this fear of failing, and I just think if I don't start doing something then I can't really fail. If I don't make a promise, I can't fail to keep it. If I don't do the homework, then I didn't really fail the class because I never actually tried not to. I know, flawed logic.... Anyway, then I fell asleep while I was talking to him, I'd only had about 5 hours of sleep and alex was taking a nap next to me and I guess I just fell asleep.

So far today I've had a blueberry toaster waffle, a can of chilli, and a bunch of sweet potato fries with ketchup. I've estimated that to being about 1300 calories, which isn't the greatest, but it's a heck of a lot closer to the 1500 minimum that Leslie thinks I should be eating every day than I normally get. And I haven't felt super gross, I felt icky after I ate the chilli, but not SUPER gross... Which is a major improvement since actually the last time I purged was after I ate chilli last time...

And I went off on a post on the forum today. Someone said their dad's eating grossed them out because he ate like 650-750 calories for breakfast. I told them that if he's an adult male eating a MINIMUM of 2000 calories a day, divided by 3 meals, 650 calories is actually about perfect. I went on to say my eating habits are shit and I don't abide by that, but they said that it was an eggplant thing and some pasta. Veggies and pasta are healthy. It's not like he was eating a double quarter pounder with cheese meal large size with a coke for breakfast...

And while I've had about 1300 calories so far, I'm also not going to bed immediately, so I could easily tip the number up a tad... If I don't convince myself that the tons of fries I just ate, while sweet potatos, were awful and I don't need to eat ANYTHING else.... Which would be typical of me...

I told myself I wasn't going to step on the scale today either, I did yesterday, and I was going to do it friday, only on friday. Not before then. I have this habit of getting all super addicted to stepping on the scale. Which can be bad when I'm super focused on "I want to be thin" and often times stepping on the scale daily does not reflect positively every day. And when I go down I feel on top of the world, and when I go up... even just half a pound.... oh I feel awful. Which is why it was super stupid of me to step on it today since I went down again. You would think it would be the opposite. Going down in weight should be a good thing. But it's not because in my mind it means that everything I have been doing, even though not meeting what goals I really should be, is "good" in my mind. It's "working"..... until I weigh in again (hopefully friday and not tomorrow) and I go back up a tiny bit...

And actually I'm putting off making an actual eating plan because I know once I do that I'll have no excuses not to follow it other than the stupid ones I make up in my head, because it's right there laid out and easy to follow. "easy" to follow. Everything related to food and eating and exercise is hard for me. I don't know why my brain is just unable to see things for what they really are. Food is good. Food can be healthy or unhealthy. You can eat too much of anything just the same way you can eat too little of anything, and either way is bad and unhealthy, even if you are eating healthy foods. And even as I type that and know that the facts are there, I still can't look at it and see it that way. I'm reminded of the phrase "Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip"

05 December 2011

more crap crap crap crap crap about the same crap...

I feel like all I ever blog about anymore is food and eating and weight and that it's all just this sick chronicle that I'm recording for myself to look back on and say "yup, I'm pathetic" later on. But it's what seems to be on my mind a lot when I sit down and start to blog.

Earlier today I wrote down some stuff and then I was in the breakroom on my lunch, and I said something about farmville, yes, I play. My manager/friend was sitting next to me with his girlfriend and he said something like "well that's sad. First off, you forgot you planted crops, and second, you're playing farmville" and I replied something like "there are far more pathetic things in my life then farmville, such as this" and held out the piece of paper, on which I had written most of my last blog.... Don't ask me why I did it, I have no clue. Anyway, we got into a lovely conversation that wasn't excessively in depth, but was a little more personal than I'd have liked to have had while I was attempting to consume my bagel with cheese, and my soup. Which in case anyone wondered, other than my cup of coffee and a small bit of cake alex fed me, was all I ate today.

What I'm realizing, however, is the more I talk about my eating issues here, and on the forum that I joined, the less... closeted I'm being about all of it. Today just showed me that I'm at least capable of telling someone who is somewhat close to me about it. I don't know who reads my blog, but I'm telling all of you all about it too. And I know it needs to change. I know people worry about me and want me to be healthy and etc. But I also read something interesting tonight on the forum.

I need people who care to support me. Not support my ED, me. I am not my disorder.

And the thing I'm wondering about right now? What is the real difference between ednos and ana/mia? What defines someone as being ana/mia that doesn't define ednos? And since every ana/mia must have started out as ednos, why don't more places and people recognize ednos as equally bad? Like people are saying that sometimes a clinic will turn someone with ednos away saying that they don't need help as badly as someone else because they have a normal bmi or don't purge often enough, but they are seeking help just the same. Isn't it better to seek help before you go from ednos to full blown ana/mia?

And here I am, the pathetic fat cow restricter who binges every once in a while and purges even less then that and doesn't lose any weight but steps on the scale about a minimum of once a day up to 3 times a day, just to check. You know, just in case. Fucking pathetic. Most days, it's just easier to look in the mirror and hate everything I see then to try to find a single thing worth appreciating.

I like my feet.... gah..... I'm so self loathing I'm hating myself for it.... oh the irony......

EDNOS - We confuse people.

I read this (the title) on the forums at and it rings true in my life so much. People don't understand EDNOS.. And this is my personal assessment of my issues

You know you have EDNOS when...
-You aren't thin enough to be anorexic and don't purge enough to be bulimic.
-You give up on your ED for a few days only to renew your strength 3x what it was after you gain/lose x lbs. Then give up again 2 weeks later.
-You don't look sick. You don't look like you have an eating disorder. So you can hide it easier behind a "diet"
-You binge and purge. You binge and don't purge. You restrict and purge. You chew/spit. You fast. You don't lose weight.
-You look at pasta with pesto and salad with full fat ranch dressing and gag at all the fat and oil, then binge on large mcd's fries later.
-You scarf down 2 plates of thanksgiving dinner, 4 half slices of pie, and bite of cake and a cookie promising to restrict after. 3 days later eat birthday cake promising to restrict more. 3 days later eat half a pie.
-Lose 5 lbs. Eating "normal"... Restrict again. Gain back 5 lbs.
-Make rules and plans and charts and goals... Fail.
-When there is a constant battle in your head of thinking you are fine because you don't look sick but knowing you are
-Sometimes giving up for a little on your ED but then missing it and coming back
-Crying because you aren't normal weight not even fucking overweight but obese
-Eating less than 1000 calories every day for a week, stepping on the scale, seeing you've gained 2lbs, binging on fries at mcd's, stepping on the scale the next morning, you've lost 5lbs since the morning before... wtf...
-Cringing when you realize that the "light" yogurt your friend got you has 140 calories more than the "lowcarb" yogurt you usually eat, but forcing yourself to eat it anyway because your friend got it just for you.

A month in the life of EDNOS
A "fictional" but only slightly so depiction of what life might be like when you have EDNOS (restrict means less than 1000 calories for me)

Day 1 - Binge then promise to restrict and check weight daily.
Day 2 - Eat normal breakfast, restrict rest of day
Day 3 - Restrict
Day 4 - Restrict all day, binge at dinner, feel sick, purge.
Day 5 - Restrict
Day 6 - Restrict, chew/spit to curb desire to binge.
Day 7 - Weigh in, gained 2 lbs, binge to feel better, actually feel worse
Days 8-10 - Give up. Eat "normal"
Day 11 - Weigh in, lost 3 lbs, renewed force restriction.
Day 12 - Restrict
Day 13 - Restrict. Dinner binge, feel sick, purge
Day 14 - Binge
Days 15-18 - Frustration at binge, restrict, c/s, doing "good"
Day 19 - Binge, feel sick, purge, binge again, no purge
Days 20-24 - Weigh in, gained 3 lbs back, give up, eat "normal"
Days 25-29 - Weigh in, lost 2lbs, renewed force restriction
Day 30 - Binge...

I'm just a super messed up person...