And no, leslie, I'm not using the word "diet" as an activity. Diet refers to what you eat, and I eat CRAP! Not literally, obviously, but I either eat junk, kinda ok, or not at all. Which yes, is pretty unhealthy, and no, isn't helping me lose any of this weight and yes, is probably ultimately hurting me. I guess it's time to go on to the bits of what this post is really going to be.
This is my reality check here and now.
Hello world, my name is Tiffany and I have really shitty eating habits and probably most likely pretty much definitely have an eating disorder. Yay me! There, I said it. And oddly, even though I'm not a tiny little twiggy stick thing, my eating issues are NOT overeating. Ok, so sometimes I do overindulge, but that's not the majority of the time and when I do that I'm MORE likely to restrict myself worse.
The thing is that when I was about 10 years old someone who was a very influential person in my self-esteem told me that if I was ever over 120lbs that I was fat so somehow this became my ultimate obsession. I don't know how much I weighed then, but also there were already thinner girls around me, people talking about weight, etc. and middle school didn't make anything any easier. Not to mention I was having numerous other issues that could fit into a blog post (or 2 or 3) all it's own. But I was cutting back on food, lying and saying I'd already eaten, telling people I wasn't hungry, not eating, only eating low calorie things, etc. I cut back to the point where I wasn't eating anything for days and when I did eat I would barely eat, but I still wasn't losing weight and I couldn't figure out why. I'm still in that situation. And I know, leslie, you are saying it's because I don't eat enough. And I know other people say the same thing. But you would really think, ffs, that not eating for DAYS and barely eating an apple, or a salad, or something similar after that would FORCE your body to lose some mass, but it didn't.
I know that ultimately I need to just stop worrying about it, stop being so obsessed with food and calories and exercise and weight and size and inches and fat and everything else. I know deep down that it is not good, the way that I am is not good. The way that I eat is not good. The way that I think is not good. And people worry about me, people who know all about this worry about me and I hate that I'm making people worry and I wish they would just not concern themselves with that I do. But I also know if it was in reverse I would worry about them and I'm being such a fucking hypocrite saying they need to not worry about me. I would worry about me if I was them. I would yell at me if I was them. I would tell me to eat more if I was them.
And the sad thing is that I can watch shows with those tiny skinny people who are in CLINICS to be treated for anorexia, and I think "she's pretty, she doesn't look to thin" and then said girl steps on a scale and weighs in at like 90lbs... and I see those girls pick at their food and I know that sometimes, a lot of the time, I do the same thing. And I know some people are going to be all "no you don't, I've seen you eat." Well, yeah, but have you ever spent every meal with me every day for like a week? If I eat a good meal with you today, I probably will restrict myself later and/or beat myself up for it at some point.
And the reality is that I should be eating at least 3 times a day and I usually only eat once a day. I should be eating about 2000 calories and I eat -maybe- half that most days. I usually eat about 700 calories. Today I ate a michelina's frozen beans and rice, a bag of frozen mixed veggies, and a strawberry banana yogurt. The frozen meal had 300 calories, the mixed veggies was 4 servings of 60 calories each, and the yogurt was 80 calories. If you did the math, that was 620 calories. That's all I ate today. And yet 8 hours later I'm feeling no need to go eat anything. Yea, that's normal... (not)
I need to change. I know I need to change. I know it's not that difficult to just open my mouth and insert food and chew it and swallow it. So why don't I just do it? Mentally, I can't. Food is a necessary evil, in my mind. It's something I have to have for fuel. Necessary. It's calories that never seem to go away. Evil.
The thing is, every time I try to sit down to make up some sort of actual eating plan I find points where I'm like "this can't work, see, I can't fit all the (insert food group) into one day according to this plan" or "I could never eat ALL THAT in one day" or "(insert excuse)" and ultimately that is what they all really are. It's all excuses to feed my years of bad unhealthy poor eating habits and shitty relationship with food. And I know it's all excuses. And yet I still make them. WHY???
gah..... I'm messed up..... I basically had an argument last night about calories and food and everything with Leslie, then again continued the same argument to the point at which both of us were pretty much fed up with me. Only until he reads that here I'm sure he doesn't realize that I'm fed up with me too. I am. I really truly am SICK of this. But I seem to be completely unable to just slap myself and say "hey, stop, change" which is just idiotic. and more excuses. In fact, I'm pretty sure this blog is just an excuse. A massive excuse to justify that I am capable of telling everyone who reads my blog just how messed up I am and just how I can't deal with it to justify that I can indeed talk about it and ramble on and on and on about a bunch of bullshit.
I'm done... hope you had fun reading...