Ok, back to the "diet" talk. Reality check? Yup!

And no, leslie, I'm not using the word "diet" as an activity. Diet refers to what you eat, and I eat CRAP! Not literally, obviously, but I either eat junk, kinda ok, or not at all. Which yes, is pretty unhealthy, and no, isn't helping me lose any of this weight and yes, is probably ultimately hurting me. I guess it's time to go on to the bits of what this post is really going to be.

This is my reality check here and now.

Hello world, my name is Tiffany and I have really shitty eating habits and probably most likely pretty much definitely have an eating disorder. Yay me! There, I said it. And oddly, even though I'm not a tiny little twiggy stick thing, my eating issues are NOT overeating. Ok, so sometimes I do overindulge, but that's not the majority of the time and when I do that I'm MORE likely to restrict myself worse.

The thing is that when I was about 10 years old someone who was a very influential person in my self-esteem told me that if I was ever over 120lbs that I was fat so somehow this became my ultimate obsession. I don't know how much I weighed then, but also there were already thinner girls around me, people talking about weight, etc. and middle school didn't make anything any easier. Not to mention I was having numerous other issues that could fit into a blog post (or 2 or 3) all it's own. But I was cutting back on food, lying and saying I'd already eaten, telling people I wasn't hungry, not eating, only eating low calorie things, etc. I cut back to the point where I wasn't eating anything for days and when I did eat I would barely eat, but I still wasn't losing weight and I couldn't figure out why. I'm still in that situation. And I know, leslie, you are saying it's because I don't eat enough. And I know other people say the same thing. But you would really think, ffs, that not eating for DAYS and barely eating an apple, or a salad, or something similar after that would FORCE your body to lose some mass, but it didn't.

I know that ultimately I need to just stop worrying about it, stop being so obsessed with food and calories and exercise and weight and size and inches and fat and everything else. I know deep down that it is not good, the way that I am is not good. The way that I eat is not good. The way that I think is not good. And people worry about me, people who know all about this worry about me and I hate that I'm making people worry and I wish they would just not concern themselves with that I do. But I also know if it was in reverse I would worry about them and I'm being such a fucking hypocrite saying they need to not worry about me. I would worry about me if I was them. I would yell at me if I was them. I would tell me to eat more if I was them.

And the sad thing is that I can watch shows with those tiny skinny people who are in CLINICS to be treated for anorexia, and I think "she's pretty, she doesn't look to thin" and then said girl steps on a scale and weighs in at like 90lbs... and I see those girls pick at their food and I know that sometimes, a lot of the time, I do the same thing. And I know some people are going to be all "no you don't, I've seen you eat." Well, yeah, but have you ever spent every meal with me every day for like a week? If I eat a good meal with you today, I probably will restrict myself later and/or beat myself up for it at some point.

And the reality is that I should be eating at least 3 times a day and I usually only eat once a day. I should be eating about 2000 calories and I eat -maybe- half that most days. I usually eat about 700 calories. Today I ate a michelina's frozen beans and rice, a bag of frozen mixed veggies, and a strawberry banana yogurt. The frozen meal had 300 calories, the mixed veggies was 4 servings of 60 calories each, and the yogurt was 80 calories. If you did the math, that was 620 calories. That's all I ate today. And yet 8 hours later I'm feeling no need to go eat anything. Yea, that's normal... (not)

I need to change. I know I need to change. I know it's not that difficult to just open my mouth and insert food and chew it and swallow it. So why don't I just do it? Mentally, I can't. Food is a necessary evil, in my mind. It's something I have to have for fuel. Necessary. It's calories that never seem to go away. Evil.

The thing is, every time I try to sit down to make up some sort of actual eating plan I find points where I'm like "this can't work, see, I can't fit all the (insert food group) into one day according to this plan" or "I could never eat ALL THAT in one day" or "(insert excuse)" and ultimately that is what they all really are. It's all excuses to feed my years of bad unhealthy poor eating habits and shitty relationship with food. And I know it's all excuses. And yet I still make them. WHY???

gah..... I'm messed up..... I basically had an argument last night about calories and food and everything with Leslie, then again continued the same argument to the point at which both of us were pretty much fed up with me. Only until he reads that here I'm sure he doesn't realize that I'm fed up with me too. I am. I really truly am SICK of this. But I seem to be completely unable to just slap myself and say "hey, stop, change" which is just idiotic. and more excuses. In fact, I'm pretty sure this blog is just an excuse. A massive excuse to justify that I am capable of telling everyone who reads my blog just how messed up I am and just how I can't deal with it to justify that I can indeed talk about it and ramble on and on and on about a bunch of bullshit.

I'm done... hope you had fun reading...

The end of another baseball season

Well, we attended the last game of the Seattle Mariners baseball season tonight and I can't believe we didn't even score a single run the entire game. I mean, come on guys! The least you can do is give the fans something to look at and be "well, at least we didn't lose with NO SCORE!" but alas, we failed.

I had fun anyway. After a kind of mad scramble trying to find someone to go to the game with I wound up going with my friend Jessica and her boyfriend. I had originally bought these tickets for my brother's birthday but things didn't work out quite according to plan there. He moved to southern california and I had 3 extra tickets to try to pawn off on someone. It was ok, alex used the 4th ticket even though he's not 2 yet and didn't need one.

All in all it was an ok season this year. It wasn't spectacular but we did win some good games and Alex had fun going. I got to take Leslie to his first american baseball game back in july. As always, the grounder's garlic fries were delicious. And the yankees did NOT make the playoffs!

Can't wait til next year. :-) (cause you know, we're all gonna die next year, mayan calendar and all =P)

No longer harboring an illegal

After a long and somewhat disastrous escapade of Leslie trying to get home, we finally located his passport and got him onto a flight today back to london. As far as how I'm doing... that's still out for the jury.... Alex came in tonight and looked around and keeps playing with his toys then going "mama, mama, leslie?" which just makes me want to cry cause I knew it was going to happen, then he goes back to playing again. I don't know, it's going to be a little bit before things go back to "normal" again. I dunno... At least I'm glad Leslie found his passport and is going home, but it doesn't make "goodbye" any easier.

I'm harboring an illegal?

I don't really know if I should even have that as my post title. It seems a bit... shady. Anyway, for those of you who didn't know, I've had a summer guest in the form of my now boyfriend Leslie who is visiting from London. He came on June 21st and was supposed to get on a plane at 9am on the 19th of September. We've hit a little snag in that plan...

On the night of the 18th we both didn't get a lot of sleep. He stayed up to watch Alex so I could get some extra shut eye as I worked the next night and his flight was early. He figured he could sleep on the plane, I could get some sleep for work. Anyway, we both were up super early the morning of the 19th (well in reality we were up most of the night too) and we all piled into the car and headed for the airport. Checking in was a breeze, albeit a nice short but kind of slow (in my opinion) line. We migrated over to the security area and with a lot of tears on my side, we parted ways. Myself and Alex going back to the car, Leslie on his way to the terminal to catch his flight home.

I rushed back to the car hoping to catch it before I had to pay another $3 for parking as it turned over my being there 1 hour, successfully did that. Before I left the garage I sent Leslie a message saying I hoped he had a safe flight and that I wanted him to let me know when he arrived in london. More tears, started the drive home. Partway home I get a message from Leslie.... "I lost my passport" Uh........ what??? Does that mean he's stuck in the airport? What's going on? etc. etc. million thoughts going through my head. Basically  had he boarded the plane at Seatac he would have been stuck in Detroit unable to get home. So now we're trying to figure out what's going on.

As of yesterday morning Seatac Lost and Found still didn't have his passport turned in. We need to contact Delta and make sure his checked baggage either gets returned to seatac or passed along to London. He tried to call the embassy? consulate? whatever it's called in seattle but it says the number is disconnected. He called an "emergency" number that told him he'd have to go in person all the way to san francisco which is the nearest location. basically this whole thing is a massive mess over a lost passport and since he was on a 90 day non-visa visit and his last day he could be in the country on that was the 19th I'm officially harboring an illegal. Also he won't be able to use the non-visa thing again as he's violated it. Unintentionally, but still violated it.

He had flight insurance of some kind but we're not sure if it'll help anything. It says it covers lost passports, but not missed departures. So I think that means they will help him with the lost passport but he's fucked when it comes to his flight. Which sucks. If I got anything wrong on here, Leslie, feel free to correct it in the comments :)

The Blank Page

For a writer, a blank page is both a blessing and a curse. It's a place to lay out everything and anything you could possibly imagine, or it's a place where your worst case of writer's block may occur. Or even worse, you might discover you can't write anything because you can't think of anything you want to write.

This is an interesting concept as I write a blog about dealing with the blank page. A blog is a blank page in and of itself but usually before you open up something to blog you have that idea in your head. You don't just open up a blog page usually and just stare at it like "what do I want to blog about.....?" But instead you already have that idea. Maybe your coworker really ticked you off or someone told you a really funny story that day and you just need to get it off your chest.

It's really easy to find the writer's voice in a blog also, while some writing is stilted and boring. I always like to try and find the writer's voice amongst their stories. There is always some particular thing that makes certain authors the ones you like more than others. Maybe it's the characters they created. Maybe it's their way or writing dialogue. Maybe it's the genre. But one thing I've always been taught in writing classes and workshops is that a writer needs to know their own voice in their writing. A blog is a prime location to fine that because most people blog like they would talk.

I chat like I would talk. That annoys some of my friends too. I'll be on msn messenger and I'll type out something like "I had cheese and broccoli soup today but it was really... watery? I mean... it wasn't really cheesy and yummy but more... runny than I think it should have been." with the "..." meaning that is where I would normally pause while talking to someone in normal conversation. But because it isn't "properly written" (like anyone properly writes texts and blogs and comments and forum posts anymore but that's a whole different paragraph and a whole different blog rant alltogether)

I think I'm bored with this blog now..... *posts*