My Weight Loss Tracker

21 August 2010

Turn off, Brain

I wish I could command my brain to turn off, to take a break, just until the rest of me could figure out what I want. I just woke up about half an hour ago and my brain is already making insane thoughts. Rational Brain has turned into horrible likely irrational downward spiral. But that's another thing I have in common with this afore mentioned friend. We both have this whole rational brain thing going on. We like to sit and think, to analyze the facets of things, to see what's going on behind or at last speculate at what could be going on.

This has ruined good things for me before. I destroyed a good relationship once a while back simply because i convinced myself that if he wasn't cheating on me he could be and possibly should be. Weird thing to think, I know.

But I know if I'm thinking all these things he probably is too. And I know he might be thinking about that stupid thing I said too. Even tho we are friends and played together all the time and he's an amazing person, he's his own person, I had to say that stupid thought in the back of my mind.
You're my best friend's little brother.

He seemed so... hurt when I said that. I instantly corrected that saying that only PART of me thinks that way. And it's true, part of me is really into him and the other part of me is like "that's her little brother" and it's this conflict. He even said during our conversation, "I have the sudden urge to say ' don't tell my sister about this'" and it was funny. I don't know how she would react. That's a big deterrent factor too.

Part of me is screaming "Go for it!" while the other part is like "no, too many reasons not to" I'm just screwy. I like him, so I do weird things. Like try to convince him he can do better than a single mom who is a little broken. Or maybe his not logging in all day yesterday means he blocked me or doesn't want to talk to me. And then my brain thinks maybe all it was is just how we haven't talked in forever and that I'm a natural flirt and just flattered him. And then he realized that. And then under that being pleased of flattery he doesn't see anything more. And this is what my brain does, going in thought circles. Like he said sometimes you go to sleep and don't wake up. Like die in your sleep. What if that happened to him and I didn't know? What if his overanalyzing and mine ruin everything and I could have prevented it by not logging out like i had. Maybe he'll realize he doesn't really want to be with someone who already has a kid. I could understand that. It sucks but that's reality. People don't want someone else's kid sometimes.

Ugh... Why am I letting myself do this? Why am I getting so worked up over whether or not he likes me back still? It's stupid.

Ok, I promise promise promise this will be my last blog post solely about this before I talk to him again.
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