I'm Whispering

I'm whispering
I do not want this
This obsession
This slowly drifting
This destruction
I do not want this
The scale
The mirror
The pants size
I'm whispering
Like the voice inside
I do not want this
The loathing voice
It lies
I know it lies
But it never
Ever
Shuts up
Keeps going and going
Until the voice
The sweet voice
The cruel sweet voice
It convinces me
Convinces me it's true
Truth
Not lies
I'm whispering
Logic doesn't fit
It's a number game
But logic and pounds
Logic and calories
They do not fit
They do not mix
If they did I would be thin
I'm whispering
Disordered eating
Eating disorders
Anorexic
Bulimic
Over-eater
Binger
Where do I fit?
Where do I fit?
E.D.N.O.S.
Eating
Disorder
Not
Otherwise
Specified
E.D.N.O.S.
Eating
Disorder
ofteN
Overlooked
Systematically
E.D.N.O.S.
Eating
Disorder
Not
Often
Seen
E.D.N.O.S.
Eating
Disorder
Neglectfully
Over
Simplified
I'm whispering
Too fat for ana
Not quite mia
Never just B.E.D.
Just right for confusing everyone
E.D.N.O.S.
We confuse people
We confuse ourselves
I'm whispering
The world sees fat me
They do not see
Counting
Restrictions
Binges
Purges
This obsession
My secret
Until I share
They look at me
Look me over
Skeptical
And why not?
Why wouldn't they be?
Fat girls don't look like they don't eat
I'm whispering
I'm falling apart
Tearing at the seams
Breaking
Crumbling inside
Where nobody sees
And outside
I'm whispering
Those who know
Get worried
Get annoyed
Get frustrated
Those who don't
Don't see
Don't hear
Don't know
Say hurtful comments
Unintentionally
They don't know
I'm whispering
They don't know
They say things
The comments
I feel hurt
They don't know
I feel acknowledgment
I feel pain
Confirmation of the voice
The cruel sweet voice
They don't know
Even the ones who know don't know
They don't know the compulsion
Don't know the upset
The painful words
They belittle
Unintentionally
They don't understand
They've never known what it's like
I hope and pray
Oh how I do
That they never know
Never go through this
Never know my struggle firsthand
I would not wish this hell on my worst enemy
I'm whispering
Not enough
Not thin enough
Not good enough
Not smart enough
Not pretty enough
Never enough
Not even disordered enough
Not if nobody sees
"You have an eating disorder?"
Yes
Yes, I do
Can't you see it?
Through my fat girl exterior?
See how pretty and thin I want to be?
See how desperate it makes me?
See the damage?
Physical damage?
Psychological damage?
Can't you see it?
No? No.
Didn't think so.
So I'm not even good enough for that
I'm whispering
Not enough
Never enough
Never ever enough
And your words cut to the bone
I'm whispering
I want to get better
I want to lose weight
I want to be healthy
I want to be thin
I want to be beautiful
I'm whispering
I want to be healthy
But oh so much I want to be thin
Whatever it takes
Thin thin thin
Not Bony, just thin
But you think I like this?
You think I want this?
Think I don't want to be healthy?
Think I don't want to get better?
I want both
I want to be thin
And free from obsession
I want
Health
Beauty
Confidence
I want
Food
No fear
No binges
I want
Thin
No purges
No obsessions
I want
No counting
No scales
No put downs
I want
No worrying others
No annoying others
No frustrating others
None of my disorder
I want none of my disorder
I want no disorder
I want none of it
I'm whispering
Still
I don't know what to do
I'm trying
I'm eating
But I'm counting
I'm weighing
Less often
I'm obsessing
A lot
But I'm trying
I'm really trying
I'm making small strides
Baby steps
I'm whispering
Is it enough?
No, never enough
So what do I do?
What should I do?
What can I do?
What can I do but try?
What can I do more?
There's more I could do
Always is
Talk about it
Talk talk talk
Talk to people who might help
Professional people
Maybe get help
A doctor
What doctor?
I don't have a doctor
I get anxious
I don't like doctors
I don't want to talk
Not to a doctor
Especially not one I don't know
Anxious
Anxious just considering it
They poke
They prod
With fingers
Instruments
Questions
Anxiety rising
Maybe want to see your body
Anxiety rising more
I can feel the panic just thinking about it
No, not a doctor
But I should
Oh I should
And I could
But what can I do?
Conquer my anxiety?
Conquer my fears?
Maybe
Maybe later
But for now
What can I do but keep whispering?
Still not enough
Never enough
Never ever enough
So still
I'm whispering
As my whisper becomes a scream