I feel like all I ever blog about anymore is food and eating and weight and that it's all just this sick chronicle that I'm recording for myself to look back on and say "yup, I'm pathetic" later on. But it's what seems to be on my mind a lot when I sit down and start to blog.
Earlier today I wrote down some stuff and then I was in the breakroom on my lunch, and I said something about farmville, yes, I play. My manager/friend was sitting next to me with his girlfriend and he said something like "well that's sad. First off, you forgot you planted crops, and second, you're playing farmville" and I replied something like "there are far more pathetic things in my life then farmville, such as this" and held out the piece of paper, on which I had written most of my last blog.... Don't ask me why I did it, I have no clue. Anyway, we got into a lovely conversation that wasn't excessively in depth, but was a little more personal than I'd have liked to have had while I was attempting to consume my bagel with cheese, and my soup. Which in case anyone wondered, other than my cup of coffee and a small bit of cake alex fed me, was all I ate today.
What I'm realizing, however, is the more I talk about my eating issues here, and on the forum that I joined, the less... closeted I'm being about all of it. Today just showed me that I'm at least capable of telling someone who is somewhat close to me about it. I don't know who reads my blog, but I'm telling all of you all about it too. And I know it needs to change. I know people worry about me and want me to be healthy and etc. But I also read something interesting tonight on the forum.
I need people who care to support me. Not support my ED, me. I am not my disorder.
And the thing I'm wondering about right now? What is the real difference between ednos and ana/mia? What defines someone as being ana/mia that doesn't define ednos? And since every ana/mia must have started out as ednos, why don't more places and people recognize ednos as equally bad? Like people are saying that sometimes a clinic will turn someone with ednos away saying that they don't need help as badly as someone else because they have a normal bmi or don't purge often enough, but they are seeking help just the same. Isn't it better to seek help before you go from ednos to full blown ana/mia?
And here I am, the pathetic fat cow restricter who binges every once in a while and purges even less then that and doesn't lose any weight but steps on the scale about a minimum of once a day up to 3 times a day, just to check. You know, just in case. Fucking pathetic. Most days, it's just easier to look in the mirror and hate everything I see then to try to find a single thing worth appreciating.
I like my feet.... gah..... I'm so self loathing I'm hating myself for it.... oh the irony......