I'm sitting here telling myself "It's wednesday, it's wednesday, I gave myself permission to weigh myself ONLY on friday. And I'm staring at the edge of the scale, in case I didn't mention before, on top of my kitchen cupboards. I'm just.. freaking out, but why? Because I WANT to know if eating more has made me gain weight. I feel like I ate like a pig today and I still need to eat dinner. And all I had was some ham, potatoes, green beans, baked beans, a roll with some butter, and a tiny sliver of pumpkin pie, some popcorn (like a handful or 2) and about 3/4 of a large pepperoni pizza. Which isn't bad and probably balances out perfectly averagely for the whole week I've been eating. But I can't even calculate out the calories and I'm trying to tell myself it's ok that I can't.
Normal people don't try to calculate and count every single calorie they put into their mouth making overestimates by 5+ calories for the non-exact amounts. Normal people just eat when they are hungry. And is it really necessary to weigh myself? What happens if the scale says I gained weight? Is that going to send me back into the old ways? Maybe, or maybe not. Maybe I'd just be like "eh, gotta kick it up a little bit here" or maybe I'd be like "SEE!!! I GAINED WEIGHT!!!!" and freak out. And if I lost weight would it really reinforce the eating habits? Or would it just tell me something I want to see to be more... weird about eating more?
The reality is that it both matters and doesn't matter what the scale says. I don't like eating right now. I feel sick to my stomach after I eat anything substantial. I feel like every time I burp after I've eaten a decent amount it's going to come back up involuntarily. And apparently that should get better with time. I want to know if I've lost weight or gained weight. I'm so worried that I'm over 200 again now. But at the same time, I don't want to be controlled by what I weigh. But also I want to be skinnier. I don't want to be anorexic, I've never once in my life thought that ribs and hip bones were pretty, but I do think that having my colarbone at least identifiable as to it's location without simple "knowing it's there" or poking at it to figure out what is it and what is the rest of my shoulder might be nice... Not like... anorexic-ish tho... If that makes sense?
The thing is that whether the scale is there or not, whether I know the number or not, the way I behave about all of this is off, and taking away the scale and the number on it isn't going to change anything. Someone on the forum said in a post I saw that their therapist said that they should judge their size by the way their clothes are fitting, not by the number on the scale. But for me, the number on the scale is needing to go down before I can gauge my size by my clothes fitting right or not. I know that seems odd, but it's like whether I have the scale or not, I know what pants size I wear and I don't like that. I don't like my current size and I feel like all of it, including my weight, is bringing me down. I feel like while I need to be healthy about all of this, I still need to lose weight, but I also need to do it the right way. And that does mean that I need the scale.
Why do I need the scale? I know, I just said that the scale can't rule me. And I know that the way the scale can't rule me is by using it in a healthy manor to gauge how I am doing, and to have the self-control not to weigh myself any more than I allow myself to. I haven't weighed myself since friday morning, right before I put it up. And I only weighed myself then so that I would have a reference point to remember to weigh myself this friday. I promise promise promise that whatever the scale says on friday will NOT make me eat less than 1500 calories a day. I won't let it. The scale will not rule me.