50/50 today

I'm not really sure how I feel today. I woke up early this morning to go to the food bank, and realized as I was getting ready that the rent I thought I'd turned in on saturday was still sitting on my mantle. I cried, had a mini panic attack, etc. Got alex ready to go and went to the office, where the lady was super nice and didn't charge me a late fee, she said "Think of it as a Merry Christmas, and don't let it happen again." So that was nice.

Last night I talked to a friend I haven't talked to much lately and I told him about my issues I've been having more of lately a bit. I pointed out to my boyfriend that in my last blog I admitted I've been purging again since sometime I think in october. Not much, but any is too much and I know that. The boyfriend made me promise not to do it anymore, which makes me feel super pressured and makes me feel like I'm going to fail. Not that I want to fail. I want to get better, be healthier, stop being so super focused on food, stop all this CRAP. It is just that I have this fear of failing, and I just think if I don't start doing something then I can't really fail. If I don't make a promise, I can't fail to keep it. If I don't do the homework, then I didn't really fail the class because I never actually tried not to. I know, flawed logic.... Anyway, then I fell asleep while I was talking to him, I'd only had about 5 hours of sleep and alex was taking a nap next to me and I guess I just fell asleep.

So far today I've had a blueberry toaster waffle, a can of chilli, and a bunch of sweet potato fries with ketchup. I've estimated that to being about 1300 calories, which isn't the greatest, but it's a heck of a lot closer to the 1500 minimum that Leslie thinks I should be eating every day than I normally get. And I haven't felt super gross, I felt icky after I ate the chilli, but not SUPER gross... Which is a major improvement since actually the last time I purged was after I ate chilli last time...

And I went off on a post on the forum today. Someone said their dad's eating grossed them out because he ate like 650-750 calories for breakfast. I told them that if he's an adult male eating a MINIMUM of 2000 calories a day, divided by 3 meals, 650 calories is actually about perfect. I went on to say my eating habits are shit and I don't abide by that, but they said that it was an eggplant thing and some pasta. Veggies and pasta are healthy. It's not like he was eating a double quarter pounder with cheese meal large size with a coke for breakfast...

And while I've had about 1300 calories so far, I'm also not going to bed immediately, so I could easily tip the number up a tad... If I don't convince myself that the tons of fries I just ate, while sweet potatos, were awful and I don't need to eat ANYTHING else.... Which would be typical of me...

I told myself I wasn't going to step on the scale today either, I did yesterday, and I was going to do it friday, only on friday. Not before then. I have this habit of getting all super addicted to stepping on the scale. Which can be bad when I'm super focused on "I want to be thin" and often times stepping on the scale daily does not reflect positively every day. And when I go down I feel on top of the world, and when I go up... even just half a pound.... oh I feel awful. Which is why it was super stupid of me to step on it today since I went down again. You would think it would be the opposite. Going down in weight should be a good thing. But it's not because in my mind it means that everything I have been doing, even though not meeting what goals I really should be, is "good" in my mind. It's "working"..... until I weigh in again (hopefully friday and not tomorrow) and I go back up a tiny bit...

And actually I'm putting off making an actual eating plan because I know once I do that I'll have no excuses not to follow it other than the stupid ones I make up in my head, because it's right there laid out and easy to follow. "easy" to follow. Everything related to food and eating and exercise is hard for me. I don't know why my brain is just unable to see things for what they really are. Food is good. Food can be healthy or unhealthy. You can eat too much of anything just the same way you can eat too little of anything, and either way is bad and unhealthy, even if you are eating healthy foods. And even as I type that and know that the facts are there, I still can't look at it and see it that way. I'm reminded of the phrase "Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip"