No New Year's Resolutions Here

I'm not really sure why but today was really difficult for me. I guess New Years always brings about mixed feelings when it comes to making resolutions and reading other people's resolutions that they have made abd everything else that goes along with that. I think the biggest thing I struggle with is all the people saying they are going to go on a diet, eat better, exercise more, lose weight or gain weight, etc. Not that they shouldn't be allowed to make their own goals along those lines. But more so that I personally struggle with reading about them on facebook and hearing about them at work and everything else because I worry about what it means is going on in their heads in relation to food. I wouldn't ever want anyone to feel like I do about food. And speaking of food.....

Food-wise, today I think I did decent.

Breakfast was 1 egg and 1 egg white cooked in olive oil, 1/2 a banana, and a slice of toast with almond butter and flax seeds sprinkled on it. And I grabbed a coffee from starbucks on my first break at work.

Lunch was 1/2 a sandwich with turkey, tomato, and mustard. A low carb yogurt, some frozen mixed veggies, and a hershey's dark chocolate with almonds.

Dinner was 1/2 a salmon filet with pepper, dill, and garlic wine vinegar, 1 orange, 2 servings of  "fiesta" mix veggies, and pasta with the last of the pesto in the jar.

Overall added up it was about 1750 calories. Give or take a few.

Emotionally, I'm just... dying here. I don't want to do this any more. I don't like this. I don't want to eat 3 meals a day. I don't want to eat 1500+ calories every day. I don't want to. And I just feel like it's so pointless. Even when a friend who I hadn't seen for a while said today that I looked really good, I don't know if it's because of this or what. But this eating thing is just going to break me. I know it. I also know I'm really probably making this more difficult than it needs to be, but I can't get my stupid brain to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Anyway.... why else does it feel pointless? I stepped on the scale saturday morning and weighed exactly the same amount as I did christmas morning. Which I guess in and of itself is good considering all the sweets I've eaten and christmas meal itself and everything, but I'm still 2 pounds up from 2 weeks ago. I haven't lost anything. I haven't gained anything. It's good I haven't gained but it's BEYOND frustrating that I haven't lost anything at all. I'm pathetic....

I bought a bottle of water, a tomato, and the chocolate bar on my lunch, and the girl who checked me out said "what kind of a lunch is that?" and I was like "I have other food upstairs" but like... I know I'm sure she has no idea what is going on with me, but that is a really trigger inducing comment. And then people in the break room "Oh, you're eating healthy now?" "is that your new year's resolution?" I just want to scream and rip out my hair and I know they have no idea what they are doing to me.

NO, I have no new year's resolution because I shouldn't have one!!!

Why? Why shouldn't I have a new year's resolution? Because I obsess. I get super focused on things. I let things eat at me, a lot, really bad, frequently, often. I dwell on put-downs and I dismiss praises. I know, I'm fucked up!!!

Also, to anyone who decided to investigate my comment on the work website's blog, which I assume some of you did since I got 5 hits from the Google Search page for "amazon626" (if you ever come back, and to those who may or may not visit in the near future) HELLO!!!!! And for anyone who is confused by that sentence, remember my post previously that said that I was annoyed with comments being rejected from the blog on the work website? Well I got a comment approved in which I revealed my google friendly username in the form of a riddle, albeit an easy riddle, but a riddle none the less. So maybe you'll stick around for the ride? Who knows, maybe you'll like my blog. Or maybe it'll just confirm EVERYTHING you always thought about your little Anonymous Kiosk Dweller. Well, either way, thanks for visiting :)